sagaciously is...

The backstory: sadat_x was the rebound guy from my first fiance. the fiance cheated, and sadat_x stepped in while I decided whether it was just temporarily or finally over with the fiance. And sadat_x got blessed with every special thing I learned from living with the fiance. sadat_x got: fragranced baths with rose petals & floating candles, hot meals waiting for him when he came over, every sexually deviate trick that my newly adult girlfriends & I could come up with to make our men stay put. And we had some next shyt, let me tell you...

But the fiance came clean, and vowed to get his act together. So sadat_x also got rudely kicked to the curb, outta the rose petal bathtub, into the cold street. A 19 yr old maybe coulda handled it. But sadat_x was not 19.

sadat_x: so I'm scarred for life. the rose petals, the specially made dinners - you spoiled the shyt outta me
me: and I'm supposed to hook you up with a booty call, because of that?
sadat_x: and the sex - man. you used to come home and rub your stuff in my face...
me: <laughing> and that was a bad thing?
sadat_x: I'm just saying...you were like janet jacme, and I didn't know how to handle it...

Several years later, I came to visit sadat_x in Atlanta, and I fell in love, again. sadat_x introduced me to his southern friends as his "girl", and I wanted to try again. So I moved, and we did, and it didn't work. That didn't stop us from being friends, and living together. We figured we could handle both.

We couldn't. The "friend" thing didn't stop us both from sneaking into each other's rooms at 3am, sneaking not just some darkened shower a$$, but the comfort of each other's arms. That didn't stop us from confiding in each other, and it didn't stop us from being brutally honest with each other. It didn't stop us from loving each other. Even if neither one of us was ready to commit. And our lack of commitment tore each other up. I'd cringe, and leave the house when he brought females home. He'd rant & rave to his friends when I disappeared for more then 12 hours, without knowing where I was.

sadat_x: and the thing with you & Trax...
me: oh man...
sadat_x: I could've gone to jail that night
me: sadat...
sadat_x: I had that thang on me that night...

It all went to shyt with Trax. Trax was a mutual friend. Trax was a homeboy. Trax, was...well...FINE. And I'd been pining for sadat_x for a coupla months, while he was out doing his thing. I SWEAR, Trax wasn't revenge, but worse - even though I knew that he & Trax were friends, I no longer gave a dayum. We never slept together, not in the biblical sense. But he spent one night in my room, with sadat_x not sleeping across the hall, and we talked. And there was some semi-nakedness. And what seemed (at the time) innocent & sweet (he talked about his girlfriend, and I whined about sadat_x) all came to a head when sadat_x broke into my room, and saw the semi-nakedness and lack of shame. That broke his heart, for the second time.

sadat_x: so, I know I have issues, and a lot of them have to do with the things we went thru
me: < me, laughing > ok, I'll grant you that. but I hardly see how a booty-call will help that shyt.
sadat_x: stop laughing, man - I'm being completely serious. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. baby-steps...
me: that's a step backward. I already hooked you up with one booty call...

my friend, fee-fee. She also has commitment issues, and when I introduced them, they were feeling each other. I figured, sadat_x & I were ancient history, and despite my attempt post-Trax to get at him, he wasn't having it. I'd burned 2 strikes, and wasn't getting a 3rd.

sadat_x: she doesn't count. I hit that too often - more than booty-call parameters define.

note: yes, there are booty call parameters. and yes, he said that.

sadat_x: so, are you gonna help me?
me: I gotta marinate on this. I want to, lawd knows you need it. But I hardly believe a booty-call will help.
sadat_x: you're my friend...
me: and you're dysfunctional as hell. Lemme sleep on it.

why am I even entertaining this? sadat_x and I are really good friends, and I know he's emotionally scarred, and I know I had a lot to do with it. What I don't know is what I can possbily do to fix that. It's been 11 years since the incident with Trax, and even though we have, er - diddled since then, it's been a good 6-7 years since even that. He's more than a good friend, he's like family. Like an ex-husband that I'm still really cool with. And although I do feel partly responsible - how in the world can I help him fix that?