sagaciously is...

Wait. I'm pre-empting this B12, in favor of some b-ground info on Saga & Her Family. And some minor-league drama.

The basics: 3 brothers, one half & two whole. All from previous marriages. My parents married each other after disastrous first marriages for both of them. Mom had me at 43, and swore I was the early onset of menopause. It became a blessing in disguise for her. My brother, the youngest of the 3, was killed while on his motorcycle, December 24th, 1965. I was born May of the following year. It was a rough year.

The not-so-obvious stuff: My brothers were all GROWN when I was born, and out of the house. From what I've gathered over the years, the oldest one joined the military at 16, and traveled the world for a bit. He never actually came home, but settled on the West Coast. My middle brother, the half-brother, was bitter about his parents divorce. My father never had a relationship with him afterward, so I never knew he existed until MUCH later.

The dirt: My father drowned when I was just turning 12, in a freak fishing accident, leaving me devastated, and my mother distraught. He was also a bit of a womanizer. So, my half-brother showed up at the funeral, and my mom appeared further traumatized by his apperance. I was clueless. My mom was further humiliated by my cousin-in-law (female cousin by marriage) calling my mother during the after-wake dinner at our house, to inform my mom that she was having an affair with my father. Then, my grandmother (dad's mom) decided she'd had enough of my father's second marriage after the funeral, and proceeded to remove some pictures of herself, and my father, from our house.

The result: I lost that entire side of my family: Uncles, Aunts, cousins, etc. for the most part, over the course of about 3 weeks, immediately after my father died. And yes, it was largely because of the after-funeral drama. My mom, in her mourning, had little support from them, largely because of her tiff with my grandma. So, in the process, I was cut off by both sides, from my dad's side of the family.

Now I thought about shedding some additional light on the whole family thing, like my mom's family drama, but I think this is enuff to illustrate the tenuous definition of family that I currently have. I have more horror stories. Heck, we probably all do. Suffice it to say that I don't associate traditional feelings of comfort, loyalty, support and family bonds with my family in general. I'm a black sheep (for many reasons, most of which are in my 100 things about me), and not exactly ashamed of it.

So, when my cousin tracked me down on Zabasearch.com, I was frankly, shocked and nervous. I'd pretty much put this side of my family out of my mind, and since I've been in Atlanta for some years, I assumed that I'd never find them. So I was pleased yes - but wary. I'm the black sheep, so unless their expectations of me are really low, I've always assumed that distance was a good thing.

We all went out for a pre-family reunion get together this weekend, my Zaba-searching cousin, some other cousins, my children and I; and it turns out I'm not as black a sheep as I think I am. They all had stories about Granddaddy, who was a hellcat and raised his family with an iron fist. And Grandma, who got sick of the fist, fled 900+ miles from him, and remarried with a questionable at best divorce. This split breaking the family in half, and preventing me from knowing cousins that literally have lived within 10 miles of me, here and back home. Cousin X killed a man in XX, then fled to XX, changing his name and starting a whole new family, leaving his old family behind with no means of support. The stories were as colorful as the book my Zaba-searching cousin shared with me, documenting my family tree. A thousand pages thick, with pictures of family members I've never met, going back to the 1820's. My slave ancestor...and the brood her selling papers documented. It was overwhelming.

So I left feeling this connection to a family that I've never really known.

If only I could've kept that warm, fuzzy familial connection a bit longer. And if only I hadn't had that blow out with the fruit of my loins...

...to be continued....