stripping the perm from the mind
My coworker is losing her hair. It's been a slow process, but some combination of thinning, breakage, the fine-ness of her hair, and her hair routine has resulted in hair loss. Substantial enough to be noticeable for anyone who is really looking, albeit not enough to be apparent to those who are not. Some hairline alopecia + some mid-range baldness = visibly thinning hair.
I've watched & listened to her struggle with this over the last few months. I've seen her go from roller sets, to body waves, to sewn-in weaves. She's tried various products, from hair volumizing shampoos to scalp stimulating hair grease. She's changed salons at least 6 times, and is now consulting a "Hair Doctor" to assist in stemming the loss.
aside: unless the stylist as a PhD in Hairology, why do people actually buy into these bullshyt a$$ titles? But, I digress.
I want to be as supportive as possible from a sista-girl standpoint, but I'm also a realist. I had to tell her. You need to let go of the lye. But no matter how many examples I give her, now matter how much I try to convince her, no matter how many sisters I show her, that we both know, that have stopped "perming" their hair and whose hair has recovered, she can't let go of the idea of perming.
I've heard this argument from friends, family members, colleagues and coworkers. That I have "good" hair, and their hair is "nappy" (meaning not good). That natural hair won't look "right" on them. That natural hair is too much work, that it's unprofessional, that it's messy, that it's unmanageable. I've tried to subtly, gently and civilly encourage them, without sounding preachy, sanctimonius or self-righteous.
I'm not trying to save the entire world from Alberto-Culver, one head at a time. I just want African American women to use some common sense when it comes to using products on our hair. And the only way to do that, IMHO, is to strip the perm from their minds.
We all know we're bombarded with negative images that damage our self-perception. What we don't all necessarily know is how pervasive these images are. Turn on any show on the "black" stations (UPN, Fox on certain nights, BET, TVOne, etc.), or a show on any station that features a primarily black cast and you'll be bombarded with commercials for black hair products. These commercials are stocked with women with A) long, B) relaxed, C) unnatural (meaning they're probably wearing a weave, fall, wig or some other additions) hair. Even the commercials targeting women with "natural" hair may feature women with fake locs, wigs or hair extensions, women that are overly "coiffed", no hairs astray, whose stylist is waiting on standby during the taping, ready to fix curl # 1,287 if it falls slightly, or looks dull. These same hair models are featured in black publications, as well as billboards and signage in urban areas, and the same products are in radio drops across the country. We're hard pressed to escape it.
So, it's completely unsurprising that we, as African American people, women in particular, would hate the natural state of our hair so much. We're conditioned to think it's wrong, that it needs to be fixed, and that it can only be presentable when altered. It's almost like a degenerative disease, that takes us over as small children, and just stays with us until we die, or don a wig, forever. Take a peek at the mother board of your local church, or talk to your grandmother's peer group. Do any of them have any of their own hair left?
How do you fight this? I don't know that I have an easy answer for that. For me, it was a process. But I can list some of the steps that helped me.
Visualize the timeframe in which your hair was its healthiest. And I'm not talking about when you went to that expensive stylist for that "fly" cut. Cute does not equal healthy. I'm talking about the period of time when you experienced the least breakage, the most softness, good moisturization, the most growth, and your hair appeared to be well take care of. For me, it was between the ages of 10-14 years old. I maybe got my hair pressed once a month, but most of the time my mom kept my hair braided. Even though I was swimming routinely, she rinsed & conditioned my hair regularly, and kept heat & alcohol-based products away from it. I had long, soft hair, that needed very little trimming and very little maintenance. That's the point I wanted to get to.
Understand the nature of the products you're putting on your hair. Sodium Hydroxide, Calcium Hydroxide, Silcone-based chemicals, Alchol-based chemicals, etc. All induce dryness, and can possibly alter the chemical structure of the hair shaft itself. Yes, I know - this is the whole reason for relaxing in the first place. But, if your hair is thin, and you're using products that strip the outer layers of the hair shaft from the hair, your hair will become even thinner. And if your hair is dry, using products that absorb or repel moisture, like Silicone and Alcohol, will make your hair dryer. And then once your hair is dry, and thin, breakage is the natural evolution of this combo...
Understand the business model underlying the hair & beauty care industry. You, in your natural state, isn't good enough. It may be ok, but then again, it's probably "ugly". Or blotchy, or reddened, or spotty, or wrinkled, or pale, or dark, or short, or unmanageable, or...nappy. The only way you can be better, is to use ___________ product(s). So, as I said previously, the $$$ isn't in the cure, it's in the treatment. They have to keep fixing you, in order to keep that $$$ rolling in. No hair grease will make hair grow faster - that's just not biologically possible. Your hair grows from below the surface of the scalp, not from the hair shaft. No conditioner will make the hair shaft fuller - it's just a mask to make it appear fuller. Stop using those products, and those same issues you originally had will crop up. The industry is selling fantasies, and pricey ones at that.
Talk to women with the kind of hair you want. I refuse to take hair advice from folks whose hair is damaged. That's like asking a fat person how to lose weight. (I'm fat, and I can tell you - that is pretty dayum foolish). Talk to elders who have healthy hair, male and female. I did, and started hearing...leave that heat alone, or avoid certain products. Modify your hair routine, to de-stress the hair, by avoiding heat, avoiding overstyling, etc. Also, they're a pretty good resource for salon or stylist advice. Chances are, they've found someone they like, that's good for styling their hair, or who's well versed in the true "care" of African-American hair.
Understand the psychology behind the nap. Not to get into a long history lesson, but at some point - We as a people weren't good enough, and the seeds of self-hate were placed in us, to make us complacent enough to be easily managed. Our hair self-hate and issues with our perception of beauty in ourselves is a huge chunk at the heart of this. We hate the nap, because we were taught to hate the nap, not because the nap is hateful or deserves our hate. This is crucial to understand before you can...
Embrace the nap. It's God-made, and nothing He makes is bad, ugly, unmanageable or imperfect. Ok, yeah - that sounds real sanctimonious coming from someone who uses curl activator to make their nappy hair curl up. My point is - the nap is not bad, and it's not inherently good. It's just a nap. Or, it's justly a nap. Love it, and it'll love you back. But it doesn't need you to validate it's existence. It just is, and the sooner you learn to work with it in its natural state, the sooner that it's natural state will be healthy.
Create/Find resources that will support you as you decide what to do with your hair. Stripping your own mind of the perm ain't easy. Stripping someone else's mind is dayum near impossible. So just like a junkie, you can't hang around your crackhead friends, and think you can stay clean. My mom was so pissed when I cut off my perm, she didn't speak to me for a while. My friends thought I'd lost my mind. So I found new friends, and online resources like Nappturality.com, that supported my decision, and that could nurture me with tough-love when I backslid. Cause we all backslide. You just have to set up a barrier to keep you from backsliding too far, and that's what your nappy network is for.
You can't rinse the perm from your mind with Apple Cider Vinegar (even if it is a really good rinse for your hair). You can't cut it out with shears, and you can't braid it up and cover it with 14" Silken Yakky. This is the real work, and it starts from within. However, stripping it will free you to sense and sensibility when it comes to your hair. Only then, can you figure out the healthiest way to accomplish what you want to do with your hair. But you'll be grounded in the knowledge that you CAN leave that creamy crack (perm) alone. Now, given all this... Are you ready?
Comments
I am your friend, and have alopcia. Im unsure of what style wont harm my hair, how to start over without cutting it bald. Im going to be in a wedding and I have no options but sew in or perm. Its Monday, the wedding is Sat and Im still unsure of my decision.
Help, what are my options.
Angel
Posted by: Angel | November 7, 2005 09:23 AM
amen Sista! go on wit yo' nappy-minded self. :-)
if our sistas saved all that money they spend on "gettin they hair did", whole groups of black families from the projects could be living in Bel Air!
Posted by: bliss | August 2, 2005 06:55 PM