sagaciously is...

It's no secret I've been struggling lately. Work has had me vexed, the lovelife sporadic, my kids have been frustrating me, and I've been lazily frustrating myself. No amount of sista-girl support, liquid courage, intentional persistent mental vegetation, homeboy handholding or musical meditation has offered me any sort of comfort. Tried to chalk it up to PMS, but Aunt Flo came & went, and I felt no better. I've been really introspective, which probably led to me being hyper-critical. And very depressed.

Not necessarily a bad thing either. Again, God sometimes breaks you down, so you can really listen. And sometimes he has to remove all the other mental stimuli (read: distractions) in order for you to really hear, for you to really feel and for you to really hear. I wasn't feeling anything.

So, I'm sitting in Starbucks, drowning my sorrows in an overpriced adult milkshake (read: frappucino), trying to focus on some pop-culture drivel (read: latest romance/self-help novel) and in walks, Her. Her, skin the color of brazil nuts, head shaven down to curly stubble. Her, in a sleeveless turtleneck and black leather circle skirt, hemline to the floor, in 90º Atlanta heat. Her, seemingly impervious to perspiration. Her, seemingly gliding 1/2 inch above the sidewalk. Her, cutting a long, lean line through the air.

She walked up to the coffee shop door, and arms scrambled to open it for her, before she could raise her outstretched arm to reach it. She smiled, and a thousand smiles reflected back on her. She walked, and a sea of people parted to let her through. She gracefully glided through the shop, and conversations paused to watch, and the participants all felt wonderful for having briefly encountered Her. Her presence was more about her inner beauty, her confidence, and the gifts that She brought to the world, than any of the visuals I'm trying to describe. She was not just "comfortable in her own skin". She was wholly, in and of herself. Centered. Aware. And that radiated from her.

Now, this whole interlude lasted no more than about 6 minutes, the time it took Her and her companions to retrieve 3 snow-capped overpriced adult hot chocolates, and leave. But she left behind an aura that somehow changed the nature of the room, for her having briefly been in it.

I want to cut that path through the world.

I am just naive (wise?) enough to believe that there are no chance encounters, and that every interaction in life has some meaning, somehow. The brief argument with a homeless dude while buying gas; the unpleasantness of a crackish encounter with my ex; the surprisingly good customer service at my local beauty supply store; the casual indifference of buying a fast food breakfast; even my self-initiated road rage incidents. They all have some impact, like the ripples after throwing a pebble in a pond.

So, I tied my hair up in bantu knots. And I, spent more time applying my makeup. And I, restarted my Java certification study group. And I, spent time mentoring a coworker. And I, wrote the outline for a book I'm considering writing. And I, retooled my wardrobe. And I, reached out and contacted some friends I haven't talked to in years. And I, spent time focused on my kids. And I, realized that cutting some people out of my life is a good thing. And I, decided that I needed to give selflessly of my time, energy and money, to empower myself. And I, embraced & threw myself at this new work project - 150%.

And I, took a long hard look in the mirror. And I gave what I saw some perspective. I told E a long time ago, that I'm friggin' stellar, no matter what some random dude (or the world for that matter) judges me to be. F&*% a dime, when you can have a $1.10, and that's what I am. And I, now, after having looked long & hard at myself in the mirror, can honestly say - most days - I like what I see.

So I, pulled myself up to my full height, straightened my spine and started walking normally again. Gracefully, again. Confidently, again.

In order to be completely, fully and as objectively aware of the path I cut through the world (well, as objective as humanly possible), I have to remain conscious of who I am, where I've been, where I want to go, and how I can get myself there.

So, here I am. I am saga. I am a writer, I am a Java-warrior-princess-in-training, I am stylishly attired, I am fabulously nappy. I am a good mother, a loyal friend, a semi-logical advisor and a trusted confidant. I am at once, big, beautiful, fragile, strong, vulnerable, smart, witty, and compassionate. And when I touch you or grace your presence, I want you to be forever changed from having met me.

Yeah, I like that idea.