sagaciously is...

Another tentative date, another incident of being stood up. And, may I add - I looked way too cute to sit home. Instead of moping, I decide to go to the club, and headed to a local "Ole Skool" watering whole, to avoid hanging out with theChaos' co-horts (gen Z'ers? dang, do they even have a classification yet?). Either way, I ain't NEVA partying with my daughter, ok? Meanwhile, I head to the club solo. Clubs are an endess source of amusement for me, because of the characters:

the club "pimp"
I'm sitting at my bar, and over saunters "Larry". And yes, He's a Cancer. And yes, his lines are that tired. However, he was 6'4", decently dressed, and over 30...so I was willing to entertain the tired lines. Well, at least until another woman dressed in head-to-toe camouflage came and sat next to Larry on his other side...

Larry: You're so young...I shouldn't even be talking to you.
me: Why is that?
Larry: Shoot girl, I'm about to get my AARP card.
me: laughs...

....not even 3 minutes later, I hear
Larry: You're probably way too young for me...
Camouflage Girl: Oh really? How old are you?
Larry: Shoot girl, I'm about to get my AARP card.
me(thinking): da hell? did he just recycle his game while I'm still in earshot?

Aside: the bartender was listening, and busted out laughing when I gave Larry the Scooby-Doo-"ruh-roh"-face. She told me later that all his lines are standard, and she quoted several, including: "I've traveled the world, because I used to play pro-ball, and I'm also former military", "I know the owner, we used to be business partners in _____ venture together" and "It usually takes me about 2 drinks to oil the knees up properly to dance - basketball injuries. So far I've had 3, so I think I'm good...".

Another aside: yes, I was offended that he was spitting that same tired game at a girl dressed completely in camouflage. I mean dayum, the outfit was very 1997, and it wouldn't have been all that cute back then, ok?

the nasty man
Am I the only one that gets all these old dudes with fetishes? This guy asks me to dance, and then starts telling me how surprised he is that I'm here alone. "Are you single" - yes. "Do you have a man" - no. "That is so surprising because you seem like a good woman" - yea, right. I've heard these lines so many times, that it sounds like that Charlie Brown's teacher mess: wa wa-wa wa-wa...wa, wa, wa wah. But then..

nastyman: You are a whole lotta woman. I love the way you look...I could really do some things with you.
me(feigning naivéte, because I think I know where he's headed): what do you mean?
nastyman: you have some really thick hair.
me: thanks
nastyman: are you hairy like that all over? I mean, I don't see any hair on your arms and legs...but I would like to find out for myself.
me: da hell? oh see - you need to go on somewhere with that....

Ok, c'mon now...a fetish for pubes? If that isn't the friggin' nastiest...that's worse than feet...ugh!

the "one-move" man
I am so mean for this one, but y'all know what I'm talking about. Dude with that one dance move, and he's working out all-night-long, to whichever song comes on. Classic R& B = one move. Uptempo R& B = same move. House song = same move. Reggae song = same move. Hip hop song = same move. Slow song = same move. Line Dance song (electric slide, cha-cha slide, etc) = same move. If they played an arena rock song, I believe dude would have used the same move.

Now, if the move was the two-step, it wouldn't be so noticeable. I mean, everyone kind of expects older heads to two-step, yanno? But the move was so extraordinary. It was a cross between the "Carlton dance" from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and the "Jerk" from the Steve Martin movie of the same name. The fact that this kid did it for about 4 hours straight was pretty amazing, considering how painful it was to watch. My neck still hurts from watching him.

the hoodrat drop
I don't know which of my elitist guy friends said this one, but here's the direct quote: "here's how you can tell a real hoodrat/ghetto girl - if they hear a song with that "drop" in it...yanno that Kilo Ali 'Nasty Dancer' drop? and no matter where they are, they start popping that thang? yeah - she's a hoodrat". Now, granted - we are in a club, so popping that thang is kinda expected. What I don't expect, is for them to do that a) while wearing a dress, b) while they are pregnant, c) with one hand on a building joist (sweetie, that is not a stripper pole, ok) or d) if they are over 30, 35, 40...aw hell, I ain't raising that age limit no dayum more! and let's not even talk about e) all of the above...

aside:: that line above is a QUOTE. I did not say that...I'm just co-signing it. Direct your hate mail elsewhere...lol.

the meeting in the ladies room
This one is a public service to the brothas. If you ever want to know the level of women that you're really dealing with in da club, peek into the ladies room. Seriously. I've been in too many clubs to name, but I can tell you - the ladies room is the nastiest place on earth, bar none. And, in some of the well-known popular clubs that are known to pack in some of the finest women in Atlanta? Chile - them chicks will take a dump in the sink, ok? At the end of the night, the ladies bathroom will end up looking like the Wild Boyz did a tampon commmercial. And to think...you probably took one of them drunk, nasty-a$$ hooches home afterward...lol.

aside: ladies, if you gave the ladies room attendant a $20 for a slice of gum - you didn't pay her enough, ok? Ain't no way I could do what she does with the skanches she does it for. And them skanches don't tip. dayum.

Last one...

the club husband
You know this one fa sho. He bought you a drink, and you're tied for life - or at least the rest of the night. This kid follows you everywhere - bathroom, dance floor, outside, back inside...all in the hopes that you will take him home. I guess. Frankly, after I get the drink, I will ask for his digits and tell him I'll talk to him soon. If he isn't out of the area soon, I will confirm to him that I will lose his number if I don't get some air. This particular night, he beat it, but then ran out after me as I was getting in my car. And then couldn't get back in the club (no Ins and Outs). Poor thing...