sagaciously is...

Did I ever share with y'all the real reason I went back to school at aged 33? Well, along with my overwhelming need to gather myself (life was one-hot-ghetto-mess at the time), I had an ulterior motive.

I wanted a decent husband.

And since most of my married (or formerly married) friends met their hubbies in/around/right after college, I figured it was a semi-decent first step. Now, I won't say "boy, was I wrong...", but I will say that it made me incredibly analytical about what I'm looking for in a man, and what the whole nine yards really means to me...

making a list:: 3 years of celibacy gives you plenty of time for soul-searching, and analysis. (sidenote: giving up celibacy is a tricky matter, and can send you down a slippery slope, but that's another post). So, having done both, I made a checklist of the top 10 qualities that I desired in Mr. Right: honest, educated (intelligent, or both) witty, stylish, passionate, ambitious, financially stable, strong, attractive, liberated. Sound familiar, right? yeah, that pretty much sums up what most women say they're looking for. At the time, I had a few materialistic things in mind: a type of Car, a type of House, and a level of salary. Oh yeah, ya girl had a whole lotta gold-digga in her.

WIIFT: yeah you're wondering, exactly what's in it for them? Well, that was definitely the question. As a college drop kick-out, with 2 babies and 2 different baby-daddy's, I couldn't claim a lot of those qualities. So, back to school I went, to work on a few of those. I was a gold-digga with a dream, and my theory was: "ain't no way I'd meet a lawyer, and the lawyer would actually entertain dating my broke-no_degree-apartment-living-a$$..." Needless to say, I managed to accomplish a few of those things (2 degrees, working on #3 now), and a few are still questionable (stylish? witty? depends on the day of the week, and who you're asking). But I knew, to get a "package" deal - I had to offer the "package" deal, and that I managed to do...

...'cept the wrapping, which I while I understand is trés importanté since men are visual creatures, I'm not done fixin' yet. With everything on my plate, it's low on my list of priorities. Digressing again...my point is, that my value-prop (and the goal) was to meet my equal. Not my soulmate, or someone to complete me, but someone who is...

equally yoked:: but what does that mean? Not being one to quote scripture (my Bible has been gathering dust in lieu of the cult-of-the-corporate-whore's required WSJ readings), I can however summarize my pastor's interpretation. It means that you share values, and common goals. It means that opposites, while attracting, don't necessarily manage to remain together. It means that your lifestyles should be similar. It means that when you imagine the rest-of-your-life with someone, and the things you want to do during the dash, that the other person, frankly fits. And fits well. Like a pair of Earnest Sewn jeans.

A funny thing happened on my way to degree #2. I took an African studies class on Male-Female relationships; and I got a decent-paying gig, that afforded me the things I'd had in mind: the type of Car, the type of house, and the level of salary. Got an A, and learned in the process, that the car & house mattered a hell of a lot less than true compatibility (and not that e.Harmony bullshyt either - even though I am a member, lol). But the thing that stood out most in the class, is that the self-analysis part - where we as individuals look at what we bring to the table, and then decide what we deserve (not desire) based on that? Yeah that - it doesn't happen a whole lot in my community. Particularly not on the female side of the equation. My gold-diggin friends (still have a couple, who remain single) notwithstanding, I overstand exactly that my preternatual single-ness is at my own hands. I should've been more analytical much earlier. We all should've. Oh yeah, I also learned that while the marriage rate in my community is declining, the divorce rate is level, and has been ever since it peaked in the 80's. But anywayz - about that guy...

Mr. Right:: I'm still trying to connect the dots in a lot of respects, but I've got a pretty vivid/vague description of what Mr. Right-for-Me is like:
yes, he is a renaissance man. And he's probably pretty complicated. He has his own circle of friends, and his own social habits. And sometimes, they will definitely (hopefully) exclude me. He has kids, and doesn't want any more. He's highly intelligent, educated (streets or academe - doesn't matter). He's well read, and knowledgeable about a whole lot of topics. He enjoys a healthy debate. He's competitive, while keeping his "Type-A-ness" at a minimum. He's confident and secure, without being arrogant. He knows the difference between Via Spiga and Montego Bay Club. He's honest to a fault, and forthright - almost to his own detriment. He's a closet "freak" - but that closet door only swings one-way. He loves the arts, music and anything considered "cultural": knows the latest plays, movies, hottest poets, etc. He has had a love affair with hip-hop, that may/may-not be over. He's masculine, without being overtly steroidal. And he's strong/secure enough, to embrace his feminine side, while not being threatened by my masculinity. Because he knows the short path to my vulnerability. He used to read comic books, still eats cereal late at night, and is comfortable telling me his deep, dark secret ______, since he trusts that since he knows that I _____, that I'll never tell.

Yeah, Mr. Right is clear as fog. However, defining Mr. Right helped me to find me, so I'm okay with that foggy definition. I'm not done growing yet. And not that the list is completely blown - it's just that I can now see the forest through the sleaze. Even when a guy doesn't exactly meet the Top 10, I appreciate his beauty as an individual tree regardless. Which is probably why I have so many single, male friends...

Mr. Right-Now:: I bitch & moan a lot about this dude, too much even. To the point where I almost don't want to write about him anymore. Here's the thing though: I've gotten to the point where if I know he's missing something key (like the education, or the honesty), I put him down like an unclaimed Pit Bull on day 2.5 in the shelter. He may be right for someone, but it just ain't me. He gets kicked to the curb, or perpetual "friend status". There is no "Mr. Right Now" for me anymore.

So, it seems like I'm on an endless array of first dates. And I rarely get to date 2. Date 3 is an impossibility. The celibacy has gotten easy to maintain. I can't fathom just dealing with someone on a strictly physical level anymore. Yeah, sex has its merits, but in my quest for intimacy and "the whole nine", I've raised my standards and gotten really spoiled.

I simply want more. And as De La once said "Stakes is High...."