sagaciously is...

yeah, I qualify:: on many counts, not the least of which is my self-reliance or willingness to declare the sweeping generalization to anyone that listens an opinion which restates the obvious: black men have issues. Now, having said that, let me drop a huge caveat here: that opinion doesn't exempt anyone else (black, white, other, man, woman, other) from also having the aforementioned issues/opinions. So, I'm guessing that white women, and black men are also Angry Black Women (as well as Kathy Griffin). But those of you who read this site regularly know that I have made that statement before, so I'd be foolish to deny it.

so, what now?:: ugh, it's this: I'm running across these intellectually "strong black men" and they're finding me to be, er - too much of a "challenge". Or too "complicated". Or too "masculine". Or too "aggressive". Or not ___ enough. And no, it's not just me, it's my cohorts, my contemporaries, my sisterfriends both online and offline. We're having encounters with brothas who basically find us to be "too" much or not enough, and are moving on to easier conquests or suitable mates. Or something along those lines.

It's almost as if, this Myth was just that at the time of it's re-emergence: a myth. A re-invention of the Sapphire stereotype, retooled to "fit" into a modern context, and promoted as a viable answer to the many questions of why black women and men cannot "get along". HOWS-N-EVER, it has now seeped surreptitiously into popular consciousness, so intrinsic that those that toss out the stereotype don't even realize what the original sterotype referred to. It's easy to chalk up a woman's contrary opinions to her 'negativity" and dismiss her as one of "those" chicks, the black b*tch, a certified member of the She-Woman Man Haterz club. So now, folks just toss it out there, and it seemingly sticks.

breakin' it down, so it can forever and consistently be broke:: DP put me on to this article, by an author who apparently has written a book related to this very subject. The original incensifier (fyi - I know that's not a word, it's a joke). Now, let me break down my problem with this article, and others similar to this:

• the Esteemed Authors references - it pains me when writers just throw out the name of someone "esteemed" to legitimize their opinion. I'm guessing that Zora Neale Hurston probably would've been characterized (unfairly) as an angry black woman, had she been born into this generation.


• the proverbial breakin' me down, first - is it necessary to insult my achievements, in order for us to have a conversation? I'll give the author some credit, the statements toward the end about self-examination and the need for love have merit. But you can't insult me, then expect me to hear much of what you're saying. Not without first responding to the insult.


• critical = angry? - if I'm critical (in general) about black men, based upon my experiences with them (dating, work, family, et. al.) does that equate to negativity? If so, does that then equate to anger? Or is it in the message receiver's colored perception?


• communication stategies - yes, I know messages are to be coded so that the receiver "gets it" but I also know that culturally this is just different in our community. Anyone versed in the "deep-seated pathologies" that plague our community will know that black women are much more critical about each other, than they are about black men. We're forward/honest. And we'd rather take our criticism to its source. Essence articles aside.


• about Essence and its ilk - theres a body of intellectual women who consciously forgo Essence, because like its white counterparts (glamour, cosmo, mademoiselle) it sells sensationalism. Not underestimating the sheeplike tendencies that may pervade women's collective thoughts, but just because Essence screams repeatedly "Men Are XXX", doesn't mean that ABW's collectively go "yeah, that's true!"


• the sisterfriend social club - despite this characterization in popular media (Something New, Stella Gets Her Groove, Mad Black Woman, etc.) this doesn't happen nearly as often, or as intensely as it's been reported. Although there is such a thing as the "sorry a$$ brotha" call.


• ABW advice - tied directly to the social club, women are NOT advising one another to cross social boundaries, and date interracially, or "extra"-sexually (lesbiaism, anyone?). My best girlfriends make it a point to tell me to relax my standards, give a brother a break, and 'get some' more often than not.


• the implied rejection - this characterization is dismissive, is it any wonder that a dialogue is impossible? So black men aren't trying to hear ABW's criticism, and ABW's are allegedly either forcing them away, or turning to greener grass. Meanwhile, the stereotype persists.

more on rejection:: see, it's almost as if there's a bevy of ABW's out here, calling brothers sorry, and turning their backs on them. Refusing to deal with them, angrily sitting in front of the computer (am I telling on myself?), lashing back out, shouting with their actions, their high-paid/high-profile jobs, incomes and lifestyles:

WE DON'T NEED YOU! WE CAN DO FINE BY OURSELVES!

*giggles* That's definitely not what's happening though. What's happening is brothers are using this stereotype as an excuse to engage in unmanly, uncivil, disrespectful, infantile and non-nurturing behaviors. And sisters are becoming more accepting of them, because - newsflash - the black community is in shambles, and black men have issues. Sisters are buying into this, and helping to perpetuate the ABW myth. So they go out of their way to prove they're not an ABW, and accept brothers that are "sorry". It's an updated case of the victim being blamed, and accepting responsibility for being victimized, yes. But it's also an updated case of long-held stereotypes being perpetuated. Alls I'm saying is, be concious of what you bring to life. If you go into a situation prepared for a sister to be "negative" and she shares her experience, and that experience is negative, it's pretty easy to make the leap that she's an ABW. It's so much harder to say, "you know, your concerns are legitimate, but that's not me" - and then prove it. Which is why I disliked Diary of a Mad Black Woman (and its ilk) so much, because it was so farfetched. Most brothers, given a perceived ABW (even if she was legitimately angry) would cut tail and run in the other direction.

some real-life dating examples: I'm dating er, a few different people. Not sexing, just dating, trying to get to know them better. In the last 2 weeks:
~ a first-dater suggested that he wanted to see me naked. Right then.
~ a dater "interviewed" me, and suggested I was a challenge, but he figured I was "tameable"
~ a dater no-showed (no call, nothing)
~ a dater lied about his current state of employment

I've love to say these are exceptions, but they're not. My sisterfriends share similar stories with me. So if a sister comes at you outta pocket (as I know many women do) don't just dismiss her, but at least ponder the reasons why.

I love black men. Love them like I love my left arm, because frankly, I couldn't do much without it. And when I (and my sistren) are critical, it's because I/we still care. But fellas, for real, y'all got to do better. And when you do, only then will we become less "angry". Not that I'm admitting we are.