August 2006 Archives

Sometimes I ramble on in the codeified language that only exists in my head for my personal use, to someone else; then wonder whether that someone else understands what the hell I'm rambling on about. Like a joke, with a long fuse, it takes a minute to "get" it. And maybe it never actually detonates. My references to "them" may be one of those jokes...

If we make sweeping generalizations about "us" and "them", my guess is we should know exactly who we're referring to, right? So I went into detail about "us", but I kinda skimmed over talking about "them". Well, this being the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and all, let's talk about "them", what "they're" doing, and what we should expect of "them", shall we?

"THEM":: growing up black in a white suburb, with black relatives scattered to the four winds, and from all socio-economic levels ('cept rich ;-), I heard a lot about "them". "Them" being "the man", "the system" and "the government"; "them" being designed to hold black men (at the time, the leaders of our community) down, and prevent people of color (in general, brown, yellow and red) from gaining any type of success in "their" environments (work, school, etc.). Forgive the verbiage, but it was the 70's y'all, and I was taught that an ingrained level of distrust was essential for my survival in their environments. "They" made it that way. "They" would keep our neck pressed to the ground, as long as "we" let "them".

"They" looked out for "themselves" (those other selves, being others that looked like "them") and made sure "they" were presented with opportunities to achieve...whatever "they" wanted. As a collective being "they" took care of "their" own. And anyone else was left to their own devices, proverbially hung out to dry. In the case of Katrina, this analogy may be used, literally (more on that later).

Hung out to Dry? - Institutions, revisited:: I watched "When the Levees Broke", and made a comment about "them". An offhand, un-politically correct comment. And I really didn't expect much of a stir behind it. But them I watched it again, and listened to radio stations here in Atlanta discuss the movie, and listened as people called in to talk about it, and as they got upset about it all over again, I got upset about it all over again. Because there was repetitive comments (and a consensus) about "them leaving "us" hanging. The government not intervening sooner, the recovery efforts taking too long, the nomadic experience, etc. Those "institutions" failing "us" once again.

And because the shyt that I don't get, is why people still expect those "institutions" to help "us". **ok, f*ck it, I'm being PC again, here's the way I really reacted:** I literally screamed at the radio "WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU REALLY EXPECT "THEM" TO DO? THEY ALREADY SHOWED YOU THEY DON'T GIVE A F*CK ABOUT YOU?! NOW WHAT?!

[aside:] one of "them" gave me a side-eye right about then. I was stuck in rush hour traffic at the time. I'm sure the words "dramatic cunt" came to their mind. Shouts to crunktastical for allowing me to borrow some verbiage. [/aside:]

To Quote Spike:: Wake up people, for real. WAKE UUUUUUUUP! The day that you stop expecting shyt from "them", is the day you become truly free.

I see that people are rebuilding their homes, their dayum selves. They're rebuilding their lives, by their dayum selves. "Us" ain't waiting for "them" to rescue them, just as a whole lot of "us" didn't during the initial disaster. And that's as it should be. And as for the rest of "us", do we really have time to waste pointing fingers, and laying blame? F*ck "them".

* kicks dust bunnies * I really need to clean up the dust around here....

Sorry I've been MIA y'all...between the pseudo-"new" gig, school, family, etc. I've been completely hemmed up mentally. When my brain gets busy, the thoughts get negative, and I've been trying to be the "kinder, gentler" saga. Yanno, the one who thinks "if I have nothing nice to write, I won't write anything at all"? Yeah, her. I started to drop a Top 10 list of things that are irritating me, but it was repetitive. I need a kick start, so bear with me as I get my bloggin' groove back. It'll take a sec, and may be a lil bumpy....

So did y'all catch the Primetime Special last night on AIDS in the Black Community?
You can See the Video here
or Read the Overview here

I caught the beginning, and tail end (being 40 has its drawbacks, like falling asleep when you're idle more than 2 seconds). I have a question before I share my thoughts. Did most folks hear/know about this before it aired? See, I'm not much of an ABC viewer, being a Project Runway, House of Boateng, obsessed with everything fashion/design-related geek chick. Matter of fact, I read about it on Crunktastical, at the 25th hour (after 9PM). I hope ABC did as good a job promoting it, as they did their medical mysteries series, but frankly I don't believe it. (I'm also a GMA addict, and [unsurprisingly] I haven't seen any ads).

My thoughts: I was slightly surprised by some things (spread of AIDS in the prison population, and how former inmates are bringing AIDS home when they're release) and unsurprised by others (infection rates in black women ages 18-44, the lack of government response). From what I saw, the emphasis was less on the DL, and more on promiscuity and ignorance (lack of AIDS education). And while I'm glad they covered it, with the infection rates being so HIGH in the black community, I wish it was at 8PM, not 10PM, with coverage on all three stations, and national print ads, radio spots, etc. It's an epidemic in our community, and even ABC admitted it hasn't warranted any media coverage. Props to them for showing it, but it seemed like an aside. Can I get the media to ACT like it's an epidemic? Oh, and no I haven't smoked anything this morning.

the pixie on my shoulder made me do it....

• if I'm on a flight, and anyone starts clowning (peeing on the floor, speaking in tongues, denouncing the fascist American oppressors, etc.) I'mma claw their heart out with my acrylic fingernails my dayum self. F*ck an Air Marshall, and the law. I got babies, and I'd rather they see their momma in jail, than taking a dirt nap. I'm jes saying...
• Somehow, the dominatrix in me came out after I turned 40. Suddenly, I have several new pairs of Stilletto's, and I'm loving old 40's suits all of a sudden. Pencil skirts and palazzo pants suits. Real butch, in an "I'll wear red lipstick and walk on your back" kind of way. Hmph.
• If the N'ation of I'slam decides to commit Jihad by putting liquid explosive in bean pies, I'm f*cked.
• Yes, I know that was horrible, and factually inaccurate. But I'm eating a slice of bean pie now, and this thought briefly troubled me.
• Lawd, forgive me for disrespecting the dead, but I'm blaming the Ramseys for putting JonBenet in a position where a grown man would look at her at 6 years old, and fall in love. Obviously he's got serious issues, but in those photos, she looks like a tart.
• *briefly wonders how many children have been molested since this story broke? children whose stories got no airtime, as we dissected John Karr*
• **then wonders if the nation is obsessed because a beautiful child was killed, or because that child was dressed like a tart**
• While watching 'When the Levees Broke': Who is "they", and why do we still expect "them" to do a m*tha f*ckin thing?

*sighs & winces* Cynthia McKinney's in the news, again. Apparently she's not conceding her defeat, and she's challenging the election results, suggesting fraud. She's also cleaned house, firing her media staff at her Georgia office, and letting other staffers go both here and in Washington. Not really surprising, considering the recent media coverage associated with both her, and her campaign (see clip below):

*shakes head* Fox News coverage aside (we now which side butters their bread, right?) this is decidely unwise. Now, to be fair, these gentleman are volunteers, not paid McKinney staffers. Volunteers who are also members of the New Black Panther Party, and are familiar with the spotlight, as well as controversy. And the fired communications director said he advised her to "do some things" (such as distancing herself from some individuals perhaps?) and avoid some others...and she didn't take all of his advice.

HOWS-N-EVER, there is a point at which Ms. McKinney's rebelliousness (note: I did not say revolutionary-ness) has crossed the line of effectiveness. It was probably right after the security guard scuffle, but the actions afterward just keep pushing her further and further toward ineffective. I can't imagine how she'd get anything possibly done, while handling all these media "scandals", "attacks" or whatever she's calling them this week. I don't live in the 4th district, so I'm not directly affected by her defeat. But I somehow find myself cringing every time her name is mentioned in the news...thinking, "oh dayum, what now?!"

As a black women, allegedly conscious, politically aware, and sensitive to issues involving racism, and the machinations of politricks....based on her recent publicity, both her actions with the security guard on capitol hill, her response to those charges, the actions of her staff and physical altercations with the press, her attributing all of this to the "plight of the political black everywoman" and then, on top of everything else - her Non-conceding concession speech (where she spends more time attacking her opponents & George Bush, than actually supporting the new Democratic candidate), then this latest ...I really want McKinney to go sit down. Seriously. For a while. And think about how any of this serves her district (vs. being very self-serving).

In this instance, a political time-out is long overdue.

* in best Puffy impression* This is the re-post...I thought I told you that we won't stop....ok, yeah, corny, but this is closely related to being a hustla. You may want to revisit those posts.

Aight, so I inadvertently vamped again. Some combo of work, school ending, mentoring, daily grind, etc. Well, honestly, for the most part it's been work, and I'll elaborate.

A Brief History of Paranoia:: I'm a Yankee at heart. Not a Big Apple Yankee, but a New York Yankee nevertheless. And I will admit: I am more than a little paranoid. Let me 'splain: I don't always look over my shoulder, because I don't have to. I already know what's there.

When you grow up, peeping out the situation, having to slide through, watchin your back, your front, and your sides too, you tend to note what's there. So yeah, duplicated footsteps too close to me, will cause me to stop and fake a shoe tie, to let that person pass. Someone brushing past me inherently causes me to adjust my purse, and make sure it's still zipped, wallet inside. I may not remember what a Louie's Hot Dog tastes like, but I do know how to avoid being an easy target. Some things you never forget.

the paranoid routine::Being a semi-reformed Yankee has served me well, living in a city that I'm unfamiliar with, or even while traveling, on many occasions. I'll give you an example: Several women close to me have gotten "got". Mugged, robbed, car-jacked, chain's snatched, etc. Friends, coworkers, colleagues, etc. Now, I don't want to increase my statistical probability by speaking on this, but it seems there are a few simple things you can do to avoid making yourself an easy target:

• watch your surroundings:: a girlfriend of mine got car-jacked at a gas station about a mile from her apartment. She was on her cellphone, next to a dark alley, and didn't see the guy walk out of the alley, until he was already up on her. And my head said "yo, I saw that one coming". She had a habit of becoming engrossed in her convo's and ignoring everything from traffic (women & cellphones, ugh) to her surroundings. And subsequently got "got".


• never take kindness for weakness:: I'm amazed that people fall for old-school tricks. 5 dudes that smoke, walk up on you, and none of them has a light? Someone asks me for something at the bottom of my purse, that forces me to rummage through it, while I've got cash in my hands? You want me to help you carry your bags? Or invade my personal space, allegedly being nice? Not the kid, I don't care what anyone thinks - I'll help you out, on my own terms. Maybe. Maybe not. Depends on how obvious you are about trying to "get" at me.


• watch the people around you:: yes, I almost got "got" myself, yesterday. I'm parked at a gas station, waiting for a call (for directions). Meanwhile, this guy in a cadillac pulls into the same gas station, stops, and stares at me, until I notice him, then pulls off. 3 minutes later, he pulls back in, at my passenger side door. He gets out, and walks over to the next parking lot (?), at Mrs. Winners. Then, another car pulls directly in front of me, so close that I can no longer pull straight out. I notice I'm now blocked in on 3 sides: driver's side is next to the station, car in front, and cadillac guy on passenger side. Cadillac guy walks back with a sweet tea (no food). Oh HELLS naw. I hurry up and back out, and pull out of the parking lot, then onto the interstate. Yes, paranoid, but paranoid and safe.


• if it smells like bullshyt:: it's probably not a rose. No matter what Outkast (or anyone else says). My best friend in High School lost her school ring during a game of 3-card Monty (if you don't know what this is, email me) that I refused to play. 'Cause it sounded too easy. But I'm not immune to this. I once gave a homeless pregnant chick $5 to stay in a shelter, only to watch her hop in a car, and give my $5 to her man. I pray he didn't let her hit the rock that they bought with it.


• pick your battles:: ok, so you got caught slippin', and now you gotta figure a way out, minimizing the damage. 5 guys wanting a light is definitely not the situation where you want to make your stand. Neither is when someone pulls a knife on you while you rummage through your purse. But, if someone does invade your space, quicken your step. Maybe even run. Or at least knee the n*gga in the balls, I'm jes saying. You have to know when to hold'em....you know the rest.

Now, I know I have complained about work, some complaints warranted, some...well....like my colleagues say, it's typical corporate BullShyt. Yes, employees here are subject to joining the corporate Witness Protection Program (they get missing fast, and the spiel is they were seeking "better opportunities" but we know they didn't ALL quit. Not even our COO was immune to this.) I know where I work, the environment in which I operate, and I also know that a healthy dose of paranoia is a good thing. Key words: healthy dose. Good Thing.

How do these basic principles relate? An example: a colleague and I work on the same team, same type of project, started around the same time frame. So, she was expressing her concerns (complaining) about one of our projects, and the lack of support from our leads and Project Manager. So, I tried to instill a healthy dose of paranoia:

• watch your surroundings:: our team is mostly women, mostly black. Our boss is a black woman. Our lead is black. We've got people all around us looking for our team to fail, for many reasons that mostly boil down to our apparently lack of diversity. Said boss and leads are covering their asses, and covering our collective asses, in that order. They don't have time to provide support.


• never take kindness for weakness:: One of the stakeholders on my current project flies private airplanes as a hobby, and offered to take a couple of us to see his private airstrip he's building in NC. A really mild-mannered nice Project Manager, he makes it a point to facilitate our relationship with his employees, and network with the other managers. Oh, until you piss him off that is. Then he's liable to tell you what you're saying is absolute "horse-shyt" on a conference call, and refuse to participate in meetings. And then hang up. And refuse to take your calls. Until you make nice. Seriously. I gotta admit, he gained a lot more respect with his bad behavior, than the offer of plane rides, trust.


• watch the people around you:: there's an enemy amongst us, that looks like us, talks like us, wants to be "down". But is supremely unhappy with her current career situation. She's the proverbial snake on the plan, doesn't care who she bites, if she's backed in the corner. Not the one you want to cover for, or depend on.


• if it smells like bullshyt:: You cannot collect unemployment for quitting a job in an at-will state, no matter how much your boss tells you "he's got your back". If you can't get promoted because you can't spell, and you're not a writer, there's definitely a bigger problem. If your boss writes you up for a infraction that happened offsite, after work hours, and when you dispute this, changes the date/time so that it falls in scope of your gig and HR approves this, it's time to talk to your lawyer. And if you're a programmer, and your boss suggests that you're probably "not all that technical" you need to refute that. Prove him wrong. Or seek more gainful employment. Even corporate roses smell like boo-boo.


• pick your battles:: I'm working on a project I'm overqualified for. For no-pay-raise. With more hours. And inherently limiting my opportunities in my current department. Sounds dope-fiend, right? Why would I do this? Well, it increases my opportunities outside my current department (mind you: the same department that refuses to promote me) as well as outside my company (the company that refuses to allow many people of my color to hold positions of power). It also aligns more closely with my MBA. I chose this position, not vice-versa. I have a long term strategy to win the war, f*ck a battle.

back to the elaboration:: I've been swamped, working my plan, not letting the BullShyt work me. Yes, I'm paranoid. But I'm also not blind to the machinations of the Corporate Culture that I fight from within. They may be trying to indoctrinate me into the Cult of the Corporate Whore, and I may know it, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna make the shyt easy. So yeah, I'm sitting at Starbuck's, cellphone, laptop, Flash drive, wallet, car keys out in plain view, easily reachable, and for the hungry thief , easily grab-able. And I've got on 4 1/2 inch stillettos. But I doubt anyone would try me. Straight hair, or not - I'm still saga, Sagacious Lee.

ok real quick - and then I gotta go to bed...

leggings are back?:: WHOSE BRIGHT F*CKING IDEA IS THIS?! Lessee, pants that make skinny chicks look anorexic, and fat chicks look lumpy. Yeah, that's the "next idea" in fashion. GTFOH.

if I were to design a ready-to-wear(R2W) collection:: today, I'd make the signature color Navy Blue, because frankly, I'm friggin sick of charcoal, black and chocolate brown suits. I'm jes saying. Navy should be the new black, and everyone should just get over gray, m'kay? Thanks!

and you're clashing, because?:: I'm not matchy-matchy by any means. Please, if you can pull it off, wear plaids and paisleys together. However, just because you friggin love your Louis Vuiton bag, and LV chose brown and tan as his signature colors, doesn't mean you get to carry that bag when you're wearing gray and black. Buy a f*cking Fendi or something, dayum.

clothes for everybody:: I'm still addicted to House of Boateng (update tomorry) and Project Runway, and I wish Vince and Bradley would just vamoose already. Even with the cheating, I'd trade both of them just to get Keith back. But even with all that, a real challenge IMHO would be to design real clothes for real bodies. How's about you design skinny jeans that flatter my gargantuan a$$. That, my friends, is a challenge!

disclaimer:: the author is not suggesting fat girls should actually wear skinny jeans. In fact, she'd warn against this, considering the impact that the friction this would cause, along with causing a rupture in the fashion-sense-aesthetic continuum. Please, dress accordingly.

...oh, the other reason behind the 'clothes for everybody' challenge, is that my hairstylist whined to me that she was afraid to get a pair of hot pants, because she has a "black girl booty" and doesn't want to look like a stank. With her size 6 a$$, and Tina legs. I'd almost hate her for being a scaredy cat, but she works with women all day, so I know of which her concerns are birthed. We can be a hateful bunch. So, I'd want to design her the perfect pair of booty enhancing, stank minimalizing, appropriate for working in a hair salon hot pants, to shut them other bytches up. 'Cept I hung up my pincushion eons ago.

wish-list:: for right now, one of my fave back-in-the-day R2W designers is hot again: Norma Kamali (don't call it a comeback - i had faith in you girl!). So, I'd want a convertible shirt/dress/skirt from Norma. A Michael Kors satchel. These Kenneth Cole pumps. And clothes of my own design (navy suit, military-inspired pieces, and work-worthy dresses/skirts), because the fall R2W previews I'm seeing, suck rocks. Who wears leggings to work, anyway??!!!

men, an fyi:: before anyone falls into the Gap, slim fit does not mean tight. It means, closer fitting than the falling-off-your-a$$-hanging-around-your-knees fit than you're probably used to. Tight is bad. VERY BAD. Just, no. Please. No.

Ok, I just saw that damn Gap jeans commercial again (Skinny, slim, str8 - I walk the line). Time to go gouge my eyes out.

A real post - yippee!

getting biblical:: So, during a millisecond break between writing feverishly for work, and cramming feverishly for a final, my coworker walks over and ask me one of those benign, I-don't-want-a-real-answer, 'cause-I'm-just-being-polite questions: "How ya doin'?" And me, possessing the gift of unadulterated honesty when under the gun, answers: "I'm walking in a constant state of grace. How are you?" He clearly gave me one of those "she's about to get biblical on me" looks, before I swiftly changed the subject, allowing him a graceful exit.

And since I can't explain my statement to him, who better than to 'splain to than my captive audience: you! You can thank me for boring you later.

constant state of grace:: more than a spiritual state off mind, my idea of grace descibes my journey thru all facets of life; the soul's walk, the heart's path, the mental stride. It's about preserving your most positive essence, regardless of negative people, situations, and life's ups and downs. That "be all you can be thing", with a little background music applied.

angels:: I first learned the meaning of grace from a coworker. She had the bearings of a young Lena Horne, eternally regal. This sista trained me for 4 weeks at a new gig, during the FL period, without knowing specifically what was going on. And she talked to me, not just about work, but about her llife, and the burdens she silently, regally bore. She battled endometriosis, without losing one full day of work, and seemingly without a hair out of place, in full, perfect makeup, smiling, as elegant as I aspired to be. And I Iearned that surviving negativity isn't a sufficient way too live. To live, you have to thrive.

my happy place:: on most days, under most circumstances, and in most situations (even supremely uncomfortable ones), I seek my happy place. That state of mind where I can find my grace. It can be in me blasting Stevie Wonder's "SuperWoman" singing at the top of my lungs in my oh-so-corporate parking lot. Or it can be in the MAC Humid eyeshadow tucked in my makeup bag. It could be buried amongst the 6 pairs of shoes currently residing in the back seat of my truck. Or the background music track that plays constantly in my head (current playing: Brand New Heavies "Stay This Way. Next song: Zero 7's remix of Mos Def's "Umi Says"). It's in Hammy reading to me. It's in theChaos showing me her new car.

The pernt:: I pack my Happy Place up and take it with me wherever I go. At times, I know we all feel like we put on a mask in certain situations, to deal. But I try (not always successfully) to keep my Happy Place somewhere handy, so that if when the situation arises, I can pull it out when I need to. Coworker designing your career pitfall so they can replace you? Pull out your Happy Place, so you can counterattack - with grace. Good friend flakes out on your with no warning? Put on your Happy Place music, so you can cuss her a$$ out - with grace - and preserve your friendship. New heights of bullshyt thrown your way from all angles, so much so that you can't even take 5 minutes out to post on your website and thank your readers properly for their positive comments? Start singing Soul II Soul's "Back to Life", until grace is restored.

tangent-land:: from age 17 until about 30, the happy place was the club. Literally. I lived there, played there, and dreamed there, and thanked heaven for house music. I worked while looking forward to being there. Don't get it twisted though, none of that playing-the-wall-looking-cute crap. (for a sec...)...A bitch packed a bag and took it with her, ok? (washcloth, soap, deodorant, shirt, hair accesories). The goal was to sweat for 2 hours, freshen up, and go back out to sweat. F*ck meeting theOne, I was getting my grace back. I worked some things out in there, and this bitch could dance. Still can, don't let the fat fool you. Matter of fact, if they served likker at LA Fitness, this bitch would probably be "Steppin' In the Name of Skinny". (Oh I gotta be at least a coupla shades to the wind to actually enjoy a f*ckin' step-class, I'm jes sayin'.) But I digress...

back to the matter at hand:: I told myself about a year ago, that I wanted to cut that path through the world. I've taken on some things, let some things go, and even when it rains (and I think the rain won't end), my bones know that grace will come in the morning. Chalk it up to G'd, Yahweh, Allah, Oshun, Osiris, Jesus or whomever you may want to attribute it to. I know my grace comes from God and I thank him every chance I get for gracing me with it.

So yeah, my coworker will probably give me the proverbial 'side-eye' now, every time he looks at me. That's cool. I got my grace with me ;-)

Hey y'all!

It just occurred to me as I was working (at 10PM last nite) - that I have Airtran Miles, American Airline miles, and no place to go! (er, and I'm bri-zoke). So if anyone wants to put a sister up for a few days, and show her a good time, she SHO does needs it!

y'all think I'm playing...