sagaciously is...

If you're unfamiliar with what an Angry Black Woman is (or what she's perceived to be) you can read one characterization here: The Angry Black Woman

And my original response here: The Myth of the Angry Black Woman

Caught up? Already familiar? Good, let's move along.

I'll put it up-front - I'm not changing my stance, but I have a newfound understanding of this whole thing.

what happened?:: I spent some time with some black women. Online time, offline time, work time, school time, play time. No formal polls, no surveys, no solicited responses. I just listened for a while, to these women directly, as well as indirectly - by talking to my homeboys about their relationships, etc.

Guess what?

We can be f*cking brutal.

Not brutal in the sense of intentional cruelty - which is why I have such a problem with most men's articulation of the ABW syndrome. Most of the men I come across that speak publicly on the subject tend to lump ABW's in with the Romans, sending the Black Man into the Lion's Den. I mean brutal in the sense that Black women can be impossible to be around. Seriously. An example: one of my homeboys, a relatively innocent homeboy, got laid out by his girlfriend for an inappropriate relationship with a coworker. Laid out, publicly - neck rolling, loud voiced, cursing him out in front of his people laid out , ya feel me? Turns out this homeboy was completely innocent. Do you think that got him off the hook, though? No, his girl never truly apologized - her reasoning was that if he'd never put himself in the situation to be accused, she wouldn't have accused him. What the f*ck?!!!

Alright, I'm rambling. Let me give you some other examples.

getting ethnic:: BTW, that's a Jennifer Lewis line from a movie, but I'll be damned if I can remember which one (homegirl works her a$$ off). But here's the stereotype: it's the whole, eye & neck rolling, attitudinal, verbal dissection of an individual who is perceived to be wrong. Think Gabrielle Union in Deliver Us from Eva as well as Vivica Fox in Two Can Play That Game. The perception is that if you cross an ABW, there will be hell to pay.

The reality is that if you cross an ABW, there will be hell to pay. I've observed sisters, demure, well-intentioned sisters, blow the proverbial gasket, when they got pissed off. Over the slightest infraction. Dressing on the salad, instead of the side - they want to talk to the franchise founder. Negative feedback from their boss at work, they want to get physical with the boss (or let their brother handle it). Meeting goes off the agenda, or someone raises an issue that involves them, and they take it as a personal attack. Someone cuts them off in traffic, they want to run a *B* ova (oops, that would be me...).

And don't let a brother approach them talking out of the side of his neck - he will straight get sliced. I know. I've done it.

the Competition Continues:: between all women, and between black women in particular. I took an undergrad class a while back, "African-American Male/Female Relationships". One of the topics we tackled was the hyper-competition amongst all women, and black women in particular. In theory, our over-sexualized society objectifies us (women). In order to carve out our own identities (and to attract a suitable male), particularly as black women, we tend to become highly competitive(consciously/sub-consciously). This can/is expressed in many forms - a whole lot of which you can see when you turn on the TV. Think Rosie fighting Elizabeth on The View as well as Krystle and Alexis .

In reality, how often do you hear black women say "I don't have many female friends". Waaaay too often. I say it myself, sometimes proudly. But there's something inherently wrong with that. The hypocrisy, the phoniness, the back-biting, the crabs-in-a-barrel mentality, the "I'll take your man", the ultimately "mmph, giiirll"-ness of black women can be a whole lot to swallow.

Why are we so judgemental? Why are we so self-righteous? Why do we engage in 'racial fundamentalism' (thank you, Dr. Dyson for familiarizing me with that term)? Collectivism in and of itself isn't a bad thing. But we (ABW's) use it to not only instill strict moral values on ourselves and our collective community, but also as the barometer to which we measure our own, and each other's self worth. And we aren't all designed to measure up.

An example: I have another homeboy whose wife shares the same profession. Same credentials. Same education (even the same school). Same position at different organizations. Similar money. Similar background, traditional gender roles in a close-knit family. Problem is, wifey isn't having that - and she lets him know every chance she gets. She won't be the stay-at-home mom. Okay. She ain't cooking everyday. Okay. She has no interest in cleaning house after a long hard day at work. Fine. All those things can be managed as a couple, without impacting her career or their marriage. But homeboy is TRADITIONAL, as was she until she started making the $$$. They agreed on the life they wanted before her career, and now her career is impeding their ability to achieve that life. But he loves her, and supports her career. The line doesn't get drawn in the sand with her stances. The line gets drawn at her attitude. They're both pounding the corporate pavement, so how is it that he can leave that type A dude at work, but she can't? And if she can't - how long do you think homeboy will endure being the brunt of it when she gets home? She's demanding, and he...he's thinking about greener pastures. He simply doesn' t have any desire to compete with her in their own house.

thePerspective:: to give all this perspective, the thing is, given a choice - I don't know that I would date a black woman. I know some decent ones, some pretty ones, some fly ones, some down-to-earth ones. I gotta be honest - you don't actually want me to pay to get beat the f*ck up on a date, do you? And that's the barometer (real or perceived) from which some men (in general), and some black men (in particular) are operating. They just want to live, man - and to live/breathe/thrive without a whole bunch of drama.

I can understand that. Yes, I am one of them SBW's (strong black women) that happens to occasionally be an ABW. And yes, I tend to run on all 8 cylinders all the time (see the Cult of Type A post). And yes, it's hard as hell to go from 60mph (or 80mph) to 0 in 0.00000025 seconds. So, yes I am aggressive and yes, it is hard to switch. But that doesn't necessarily mean that any brother will stick around while I struggle to put on the brakes. And yes, that means when a brother says to me "I'mma need you to put away ya dyck...and ya balls" that along with giggling (that shyt still kills me it caught me so off-guard) I may not get offended, because I know exactly what he means.

I'm not saying the characterization (or caricature) of the ABW/Sapphire is correct. I'm just saying that I do get some of it. And on a personal level, I'm making the SBW and the need to be an ABW, less of a priority.