The Value in Devalue
Yes, we've been on this topic before, but let me succinctly revisit it with a twist. But first a question - why do brothas so often try to devalue me?
myValue:: Here I am in a nutshell: 41 years old single mom of 2 kids. I have 2 degrees, and I'm working on a third. The MBA is rare in my community. Along with that, I'm a homeowner, with a decent job, financial stability and career potential. I'm attractive, intelligent, witty, passionate, and can write a lil sumthin' sumthin'. I can also cook, clean, sew and change a tire. I dress my behind off, have pretty good taste in music. I can carry a conversation, am comfortable in any environment, and am a sex-tigress in the bedroom. I'm a nurturer, supportive, a cheerleader/motivator and loyal to a fault.
theDeValue:: if I point our to a brother that he can't meet me as an equal (see the cut list of characteristics above), then the reaction is to get defensive. And come out swinging. I got indicted today as a matter of fact, for focusing too much on material things, because I decided I wanted to end one of my casual friendship. But here's the tale of the tape:
| Me: | Dude: |
| Employed | Unemployed |
| Own Home | Apartment - losing within 30 days |
| Avoiding jail | 2 incarcerations within the last 30 days |
| Own car | Trying to get unlimited Breeze card |
| 2 ¾ degrees | GED |
I don't really have to go on. What I couldn't make dude understand, is that he's not offering me a damn thing. There was so much lack there, that nothing's appealing. When I tried to explain this to the guy - I got called out as superficial, judgemental, and materialistic - like so many other black people "like me". Whatever.
No, all my material things don't hold me and keep me warm at night. No, the little cheese I have doesn't make me happy. My happiness lies elsewhere. However, I have worked hard for my job, to raise my kids, for my education, career, house, car, etc - and I'm not about to minimize that so that a brotha can feel his own shine, just so he'll step to me. I'm not diminishing myself, or lowering my standards, to empower a man. I need a man who's already empowered to step to me.
theMoral:: of this short story is: if you have to devalue me to get you & I to be at the same level, the problem isn't me. It's you.