Knowing when to let go....

It's hard sometimes, I know - but sometimes you just have to throw in the towel...

Ok, no - this is not about me ending the blog. Although, I've been so busy lately the thought has crossed my mind. But no - this isn't necessarily about me, although it applies. It just seems like we (as people) hold on to things/lovers/friends/family/connections much longer than we should. And sometimes we (as women) hold on even longer because we're nurturers. And beyond that we (as black women) stick around even beyond reason, because when faced with all the hardships that being a black woman presents to us in this world, holding on to 'something', even when that 'something' is toxic, provides the only sense of stability in an otherwise crazy world. So we keep things waaaay past their expiration date.

and why are we friends, again?:: I had this friend, let's call her Faith. Faith and I became friends because we had a common enemy: Drama. We confided in each other, talked about said Drama, and became each other's shoulder to cry on. When Faith needed help, I had her back. I kept her secrets, and she kept mine. Seems functional, yes? No. The problem was the only thing Faith and I had in common WAS Drama. Our values were different, and so were are backgrounds, our morals - the most important parts of our character were dramatically different. Faith was Yin and I was Yang, and it balanced....for a while. But after a while, her Yin started working my nerves, and my Yang started pissing her off, and we had disagreements about silly little things - silly little things that alluded to much bigger issues. Secrets not really kept. Reciprocity. A friendship that suddenly appeared to be a lot less valuable than it actually was. We finally had a blow out fight, and I told Faith what she could do with her Yin. But really...we both knew that our friendship was tenuous at best, and the fight was unnecessary. We should've moved on long before that....

theFamilyAffair:: I am so NOT the person to subscribe to the whole "but they're family" adage, but I'll try. We should expect our families to look out for one another. We should expect our morals, values and backgrounds to be similar. We should reasonally expect to be able to get along, and when we don't, we should reasonably expect to be able to resolve our differences without violence, and without creating family rifts. But - if you steal from me and my kids, all bets are off. If you're "on that stuff" and lying to me regularly - I'll holla at you when you work that out. I'm more than willing to give my family more leverage, to do some crazy shyt, but there's always a point where you have to draw the line, and then not cross it. I have a nephew that I grew up with, that I love DEARLY, and would love to see as we speak. However, his crack problem ended his relationship with his mom, and therefore - ended his relationship with his family. We'd welcome him with open arms when he recovers, but until then....you feel me.

theGig:: or what should be more commonly referred to as theDeadEndJob. This is the job that you HATE going to everyday, the one that makes you cringe/sneer/consider violent behavior on the way in to work; and the one that makes you drink/do drugs on the way home. Even if it pays, here again - it's not worth it if it makes you miserable. I should know. Hint, hint. But *ahem* back to the subject at hand, always have an exit strategy, and if you hate it - Just Bounce. And bounce with a plan, don't just bounce to the next DeadEndJob. I have too many friends to name that let their immediacy (need for $) dictate their long-term career goals. Yes, we all need to eat in the short-term, but meanwhile - we all need to also consider the long-term when working on the exit strategy. Don't make the job that you hate your career.

Mr. Wrong:: chile, why do we give the men in our lives more leverage than ANYBODY? If a friend lies to us, we bless them out. If a family member steals, we stop speaking to them. But if our MAN doggs us out, we may curse them out, throw things at them, even put them out of the house...all with the idea in mind that at some point, we will forgive them and move on. Why? Isn't the most important relationship we need to preserve (after the one with G'd) between us and our integrity? Why would we put some guy before that?

Kick that sorry brother completely to the curb. No "let's be friends" afterwards, no entertaining sorry excuses or dealing with post-breakup drama. If you're sure the relationship is over - then let it be over and leave it at that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm the weakest link as far as this is concerned. But I'm vowing to do/be better about this.

a postscript:: Black men think that black women are ridiculously hard on them, and that their standards are too high. You should already know my feelings about this, but let me say it again - it's because we want them to do better. So yes, dump the sorry dude, and maybe he'll learn a lesson and improve. Or maybe not. But it's not worth your love, health, sanity, children's lives, your life, your heart, your soul - to fix a broken spirit. That's G'd's work.

a postscript on family:: it's hard for me to talk subjectively about family, because not only am I the black sheep, but I'm perfectly fine with it. Let's just say we're estranged (my family and me). Maybe I should talk about that one day....