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September 30, 2007

washing my hands of black men

That's a strong statement, isn't it? I wrote this about a 8/11/07 ago, with the following opening sentence:

I haven't written about my lovelife in a while, because there hasn't been a reason to. It's been pretty much non-existent.

I sat on this post for a while, as I tried to regain my train of thought on the matter. Why did I write this? And why am I revisiting it.

why I wrote it? My lovelife over the last 8-ish years has been a series of unfortunate events. Lots of first and second dates, followed by heavy-handed attempts at my goodies, which inevitably triggers my frustration and eventual dismissal of the applicant in question. Hm, no surprises there. And I've considered throwing in the towel on dating on many occasions. Matter of fact, I have thrown in the towel on a few of those. But I've never completely thrown in the towel on my brethren. So why now? What triggered my frustration to the point where I want to say F*ck the entire lot of them?

*thinking outloud* Hm, it couldn't have been that relationship I ended, because we're still friends. My cyber boyfriends have been treating me decent. There was that one needy brother that called me rude and ignorant, because I was too busy to answer his phone calls - but that shouldn't have been enough to warrant barring brothers completely.

Most of my exes or potential dates end up being friends. Not true anymore...I just had a friendship go down in huge flames this weekend. And he was as rude, ignorant and controlling as the other guy accused me of being.

But now that I think about it, what's my role in this whole equation? I mean, there are a whole LOT of frogs out there, but the problem's not always them. It could be me. I could be the princess sleeping wrong on the pea, yanno? Let's do a lil self-examination to see what I'm contributing to these unfortunate events.

My problem? Well - there's a list:

Let me just say, before you start refuting my short list, that I know my self-worth. I'm a realist, and an MBA after all - so I know that my value proposition has merit. My value prop (and the answer as to why I'm "washing my hands") is after the jump.

What I'm bringing to the table:: My proverbial value proposition:

  • I'm intelligent, and savvy (street smart)
  • I'm honest and open-minded
  • I'm supportive - I have all my friend's backs (even though that list right now is pretty short)
  • I'm sexy and sensual, and know the difference
  • I'm content and very balanced...I like to live my life stress-lite.
  • I'm beautiful
  • I'm humble

    Yeah, I'm bringing a lot of things that men want, and some bonus things (a lil financial stability, some book-knowlege, and some very ambitious goals that I'd like to achieve) as well. So...is the problem just me? Or them? Or both.

    mrRight:: I remember now - it was the "Perfect" guy. The proverbial one that got away. He was the jump off as to why I wanted to throw in the towel. See, I met this guy...and he fulfilled every requirement on the mental list of requirements I keep and use to look for in a potential mate. Not just the ones that would make a date decent, but the ones that make for a potential life partner. Smart, funny, educated, intelligent, ambitious, goal-oriented, compassionate......and he wasn't interested in me at all. Well, a lil - but not enough to get to date #2.

    I wasn't so much discouraged after this, as I was focused on getting myself together in preparation for meeting Mr. Right, part deaux. Because I wasn't ready for mrRight, and if I came across another guy like him...I wanted to be ready.

    andNow:: Now I am discouraged. I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. I'm bitter. I'm jaded. And I'm disgusted. Both at myself for allowing certain men to treat me badly, but also at those men for being rude, disrespectful, demanding, controlling, and just...angry. Angry at me for every thing I've accomplished..pissed about my degrees, pissed at me about my job, and just trying their damnedest to minimize me, to turn down my shine, so that they could take advantage of me. Yes, this pissed me the *F* off. I love black men, don't get me wrong. But I'm really f*cking tired of searching for reasons to like them.

    I'm done. F*ck them. I've been out here like Diogenes, searching for an honest man. But F*ck it, I'm done.

    *licks thumb and fingers, and puts the light out*

    ETA: more random thoughts on the matter......

    The most common denominator is me, of course. But other than that - these men have issues with women and control, and issues with women who are independent. It's funny, because that seems to cut across education, intellect, background, regional differences, career, etc. There are exceptions, of course - but the one thing I'm finding most common is that they feel threatened/rejected/frustrated by black women who have their shyt together, and threatened/rejected/frustrated by the overall culture in which we all dwell. I hear them complain about marriage being a form of financial bondage, or that women in general are all confused by their financial independence and won't let a man "take his proper place as the head of the household", or that black women undermine men, or are always beating black men up, or are too busy for a "real" relationship or to be supportive to his goals, or ....they're just not interested in commitment, because there are "too many single women out here to just settle down with one". I think that sums up most of the generalities.

    myExpectations:: I don't expect anything up front, other than to hang out and have a good time, and get treated with respect. But in a lot of cases, I get disrespect. Completely stood up, or attacked about my schedule and finishing school, accused of cheating (? I'm not in a committed relationship, so I don't even know how that's possible?) or lying about studying, attacked for being too headstrong / independent....etc. I've even argued (heatedly discussed) whether it's feasible for a woman "like me" (black, over 40, never married, with kids) to expect to get married, given the "statistics" about the number of black men in jail, on the DL, already married, etc.

    I keep meeting men with ISSUES - gigantic, Louis Vuitton footlocker baggage, and their entire goal seems to be to meet women, denigrate them, then use their exposed insecurities to manipulate them. And when I call these men on their BS - I'm a bytch who will never find someone who lives up to my expectations.

    Dating just isn't fun anymore. I don't have any desire to "cross over to the other side"....So - I'm taking some time off, before my frustration becomes a healthy dislike for the object of my affection - namely the black man.

    Posted by saga_30311 at 01:28 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

    September 29, 2007

    the 101 tasks in 1001 days finale

    Start date: January 1, 2005.
    End date: September 29, 2007.

    The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

    The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (i.e. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (i.e. represent some amount of work on my part).


    1. lose 10.1 lbs by Feb 1 2005 * updated 2/6/05 and lose 101 lbs by the end of the 1001 days.

    2. drink a gallon of water a day.
      3. * updated 9/29/07 I can/have done this, but this is an ongoing WIP.
    3. get at least 6 hours of sleep a night, every night for 30 days* updated 4/8/05

    4. get my belly pierced
      5. This one just doesn't need to happen. Ever. LOL.
    5. get my GPA above 3.5.
      6. * updated 9/29/07 Yeah, it's there for good ;-)
    6. exercise, 3X/week. for 2 months.
      7. This hasn't happened, although it REALLY needs to. New target = post graduation (Dec '07)
    7. take a vacation, sans resident vagrants
      8. * updated 9/29/07 You did see the posts about Rio, right?
    8. get a passport, and a stamp in it
      9. * updated 9/29/07 See above.
    9. practice punctuality for 30 days* updated 10/11/05

    10. practice celibacy until I get into a serious relationship.* updated 4/8/05

    11. foster & forge relationships with normal women* updated 10/11/05

    12. buy a house
      13. * updated 9/29/07 done Dec '05. And I love my house...lol.
    13. buy a dog. after i buy the house.
      14. Not gonna happen. My house is already like having another mouth to feed...lol.
    14. host a clothes swap* updated 10/11/05

    15. take my new, tagged clothes to the consignment shop* updated 10/11/05

    16. get my own personal closet space down to 1 walk-in closet, incl. shoes
      17. Whew, this isn't going to happen either...lol.
    17. get everyone else's shyt out of my house.
      18. * updated 9/29/07 And can I just say it felt good as SHYT to accomplish this one?
    18. get Hammy into a better after-school program
      19. I opted to try and make the after-school program better. It's a WIP.
    19. workout some kind of visitation schedule with Hammy's sperm donor.* updated 10/11/05

    20. go fishing on a fishing boat
      21. Pass - I think the helicopter ride trumped this though.
    21. end this JC business once and for all.
      22. * updated 9/29/07 Done. More on this in the next post.
    22. send thank you's to: all my godmothers: real, fake & spiritual
      23. I still need to do this.
    23. design AND sew myself one fabulous, to die for outfit
      24. No time. Again, post-graduation.
    24. re-learn to knit & crochet. make one wearable item for someone else
      25. See above.
    25. get porcelain veneers for my front teeth. and some whitening. and caps.
      26. See above.
    26. emote my inner diva with: full makeup, "done" hair, and fake eyelashes.
      27. * updated 9/29/07 Done, and it was Nice...
    27. contribute to my 401K plan * updated 2/6/05

    28. take advantage of the company discounted stock purchase plan * updated 2/6/05

    29. diversify my portfolio
      30. Not done. I'm opting for an exit strategy instead.
    30. create a budget every month - and stick to it
      31. WIP
    31. plan all my purchases, even the so-called 'impulse' buys
      32. I could lie, but this needs work. Badly.
    32. brownbag my lunch for 30 days straight * updated 2/6/05

    33. take a trip to NY
      34. * updated 9/29/07 This has been done a few times. I love & miss NY.
    34. mend the ties that bind my family to the sperm donor's family * updated 2/6/05

    35. reestablish relationships with the:PR Princess, orig. Nerd & G-hetto family
      36. Not done. I'm opting not to do it.
    36. spend < 1 hr daily farting around on the web, outside of work & school related stuff.* updated 10/11/05

    37. register my own friggin domain * updated 2/6/05

    38. quit the safe, stable full-time gig, and do some risky, yet more profitable consulting work
      39. WIP
    39. routinely volunteer 8 hrs/month to various worthy causes
      40. * updated 9/29/07 and this was well worth the lack of sleep, etc. I learned that being socially conscious is very important to me.
    40. get a tribal tattoo. from my tribe. and know exactly what it means.
      41. Pass. Too old for this.
    41. figure out what tribe I'm from, if I even have one.
      42. the human tribe. Next.
    42. have semi-regular (bimonthly) dinner parties, and invite my closest friends
      43. Whew, I blew this one big-time. I've gotten rid of most of the closest friends I was referring to. Don't feel bad though...it was a good thing.
    43. buy some real dinnerware & flatware that I like
      44. * updated 9/29/07 Done.
    44. take a series of colonics & cleanse my colon (I know, TMI)
      45. Still need-to-do.
    45. purge myself of my sugar & chocolate addictions* updated 10/11/05

    46. take up a healthy vice, like social drinking
      47. * updated 9/29/07 and I think it's travel.. Me likee to travel much.
    47. make a hair commitment, either nappy or non-nappy, and stick with it. * updated 2/6/05

    48. get in touch with the brother that I don't know
      49. Pass.
    49. visit the remnants of family I have left
      50. Pass.
    50. fulfill my romantic ballgown, chignon & waltzing in moonlight fantasy.
      51. definitely PASS.
    51. raise my performance eval. score at the current gig by at least 10% w/in 1 year.* updated 10/11/05

    52. familiarize myself with wines & their proper use
      53. WIP.
    53. practice diversity at work
      54. * updated 9/29/07 Done, but I prefer being k-solo. I'd rather remain an enigma.
    54. learn the art of networking from either EJ or E (the masters)
      55. Pass.
    55. obtain a big screen tv (notice I didn't say buy...)
      56. Pass.
    56. wear a 2-piece swimsuit
      57. HA! Definitely pass.
    57. pay off 1 department store charge, and 1 credit card* udpated 4/8/05

    58. get the other cards below 40% of their available credit limit* udpated 4/8/05

    59. go 7 days without any road rage incidents: no tailgating, flashing my brights, cutting people off, or driving > 80MPH. And get rid of the traffic-induced Turrette's syndrome - I'm inadvertently teaching Hammy how to curse
      60. * updated 9/29/07 Music soothes the savage beast.
    60. teach Hammy to ride a bike
      61. WIP
    61. get Hammy out of any form of Pull-up, Goodnight or training pants
      62. * updated 9/29/07 this was a beautimous thing.
    62. practice random acts of kindness routinely
      63. WIP
    63. be more forthrightly honest - I must either keep phonies outta the inner circle, or keep it real.* udpated 4/8/05

    64. purge the evil bytch from my heart. Yes, this is measurable and defined.* udpated 4/8/05

    65. have my apartment repainted.

    66. incorporate monthly trips to bath & body works CVS (I can find decent knock offs) into the budget
      67. * updated 9/29/07
    67. buy a new hard drive
      68. WIP
    68. organize & backup all my music files
      69. WIP
    69. learn to play golf
      70. Pass.
    70. take a voice lesson, and put my inner Jill Scott to rest
      71. Temporarily pass.
    71. nurture houseplants at home, not just at work
      72. Pass - my thumb's too brown.
    72. take a dip in a jacuzzi
      73. * updated 9/29/07
    73. get over my aversion to seafood
      74. WIP
    74. give up pork completely
      75. WIP
    75. minmize other meats to once a day, then 2-3X/week, then occasionally
      76. WIP - I love Beef :-(
    76. normalize my iron & cholesterol levels thru nutrition, no supplements
      77. WIP
    77. get rid of my home phone, retaining my high-speed access & cell.
      78. WIP
    78. gather my home office space
      79. WIP
    79. listen to another genre of music foreign to me, like bluegrass, world music, country, etc.
      80. Pass - I still love hip-hop, neo-soul, reggae and R & B way too much to cheat on ...them (lol).
    80. expand my music library to really embrace hip-hop, r&b, and house.
      81. * updated 9/29/07 Thanks to Sirius, OkayPlayer, AllHipHop, SOHH, etc, etc....
    81. learn to merengue, and take my final in a lowcut salsa dress
      82. WIP, although I did a mean samba in south america.
    82. use the Twinz to solicit free drinks at Hairston's or the Tanqueray
      83. Pass - I'm over this.
    83. learn Spanish via instructional audio tapes
      84. WIP
    84. attend just 1 nat'l Blk-focused vacation event:Black Ski Summit, Essence Festival, etc.
      85. * updated 9/29/07 Does a Michael Baisden event count? Ok, how about the PhD Project conference? hm.....I'm counting it!
    85. take a continuing ed. photography class, blow up the best result & hang it in my house
      86. WIP
    86. regain my dancer's grace - take ballet lessons, again
      87. WIP
    87. find one relatively challenging but low impact home improvement project, and finish it, sans testosterone
      88. * updated 9/29/07 Now that I have a house, I've had a few, but painting was my favorite.
    88. institute self stress-relieving techniques for 30 days
      89. WIP
    89. take piano lessons
      90. WIP
    90. learn to play the guitar
      91. Pass.
    91. clip coupons & shop sales for everyday items & groceries for 3 months
      92. WIP
    92. learn to play spades confidently
      93. WIP
    93. sip mint juleps or mojitos on my porch
      94. * updated 9/29/07 But I opted for caiprnhas instead.
    94. make love on a beach at the edge of an ocean
      95. Pass.
    95. get a second job or sideline hustle
      96. WIP
    96. take a gambling trip
      97. Pass - this is so ova.
    97. figure out a way to get my domain/blog to make money* updated 10/11/05

    98. participate in the political campaign for a candidate I truly believe in
      99. Pass - I don't believe in any.
    99. attend a ball
      100. Pass.
    100. go horseback riding
      101. Have I done this? Let's make it a WIP - I'd like to do it again.
    101. learn to water ski
      102. WIP :-( I really wanted to do this one.

    43% !!!!!!!!!!!! I'm really proud that I accomplished as many tasks as I did, since I thought when I made this list that a lot of the tasks were ambitious, and some were unreachable. The cool part IMHO, is that tasks that I thought were impossible (the passport and travel) were actually very much possible.

    Funny, how writing something down and committing to it can make a task so much more achievable. Time to start a new list..but this one's for my use only ;-)

    Posted by saga_30311 at 08:11 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

    September 26, 2007

    It's Over...?

    I've fallen out of love with blogging.

    I'm sorry for the extended absence, post-trip. I'm playing catch up on my real life here at home. Work, school, you know the drill. Graduation is right around the corner - December 15th, and my classes are the most challenging I've had in my academic career. My brain is getting more than its share of exercise.

    Which brings me to my short and sweet point. it's time to make a decision: to blog, or not to blog - that is the question. Lately, I've felt like this whole site is an exercise in mental masturbation, with an audience (albeit, limited) to view it. I'm running out of things to talk about, namely because I'm focused like-a-laser-site at all things MBA. While that makes for stirring academic discussions, it's not post worthy.

    And honestly - my colleagues are getting so much better at focusing on other things. Of course, EJFlavor's music is outta control, as is ToddKelley's and HoneySoul's. Fave's holding it down on the relationship front. HumanityCritic and LynneDJohnson hold down music and culture reviews. And Crunktastical is holding down celebrity gossip and culture. I could go on, but you get the idea.

    And here I am, with a thousand things that I need to do (find a new gig, start a new biz, finish the two books I've started, raise my son, etc.) and what am I doing? Still trying to find my voice and carve out my own space with this blog.

    Hmph. I'm unimpressed with my own performance, honestly. Not on some grass is greener (I love other blogger's, so it's not really envy), but because I cannot dedicate the time and effort I need to: a) maintain the site (my design is 2 years overdue), b) post as often as I'd like and c) provide you with the content I'd like to share.

    So - on September 29th I'll update my 101 in 1001 - yanno, that list of tasks I took on 1001 days ago? I'll let you know how much I completed. And then - an indefinite hiatus. Maybe permanent. We'll see.

    Posted by saga_30311 at 11:19 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

    September 24, 2007

    my Ray of Sunshine

    ray_o_sunshine.jpgMy calendar has not been empty since I got back from Brazil, so I'm ecstatic.
    *beaming*
    It doesn't take much to make me happy, can you tell?

    Posted by saga_30311 at 11:56 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack