washing my hands of black men
That's a strong statement, isn't it? I wrote this about a 8/11/07 ago, with the following opening sentence:
I haven't written about my lovelife in a while, because there hasn't been a reason to. It's been pretty much non-existent.
I sat on this post for a while, as I tried to regain my train of thought on the matter. Why did I write this? And why am I revisiting it.
why I wrote it? My lovelife over the last 8-ish years has been a series of unfortunate events. Lots of first and second dates, followed by heavy-handed attempts at my goodies, which inevitably triggers my frustration and eventual dismissal of the applicant in question. Hm, no surprises there. And I've considered throwing in the towel on dating on many occasions. Matter of fact, I have thrown in the towel on a few of those. But I've never completely thrown in the towel on my brethren. So why now? What triggered my frustration to the point where I want to say F*ck the entire lot of them?
*thinking outloud* Hm, it couldn't have been that relationship I ended, because we're still friends. My cyber boyfriends have been treating me decent. There was that one needy brother that called me rude and ignorant, because I was too busy to answer his phone calls - but that shouldn't have been enough to warrant barring brothers completely.
Most of my exes or potential dates end up being friends. Not true anymore...I just had a friendship go down in huge flames this weekend. And he was as rude, ignorant and controlling as the other guy accused me of being.
But now that I think about it, what's my role in this whole equation? I mean, there are a whole LOT of frogs out there, but the problem's not always them. It could be me. I could be the princess sleeping wrong on the pea, yanno? Let's do a lil self-examination to see what I'm contributing to these unfortunate events.
My problem? Well - there's a list:
- my high standards - is it unrealistic for my educated (multi-degreed), ambitious, intelligent, beautiful behind to demand my equal?
- my weight/health - I need to work out, eat better and lose weight. To the tune of 100 lbs.
- my schedule - what brother's going to fight my unending list of roles for my attention?
- my insecurities - I fluctuate between complete diva and candidate for "Can't get a date" which seems a little schizo
Let me just say, before you start refuting my short list, that I know my self-worth. I'm a realist, and an MBA after all - so I know that my value proposition has merit. My value prop (and the answer as to why I'm "washing my hands") is after the jump.
What I'm bringing to the table:: My proverbial value proposition:
Yeah, I'm bringing a lot of things that men want, and some bonus things (a lil financial stability, some book-knowlege, and some very ambitious goals that I'd like to achieve) as well. So...is the problem just me? Or them? Or both.
mrRight:: I remember now - it was the "Perfect" guy. The proverbial one that got away. He was the jump off as to why I wanted to throw in the towel. See, I met this guy...and he fulfilled every requirement on the mental list of requirements I keep and use to look for in a potential mate. Not just the ones that would make a date decent, but the ones that make for a potential life partner. Smart, funny, educated, intelligent, ambitious, goal-oriented, compassionate......and he wasn't interested in me at all. Well, a lil - but not enough to get to date #2.
I wasn't so much discouraged after this, as I was focused on getting myself together in preparation for meeting Mr. Right, part deaux. Because I wasn't ready for mrRight, and if I came across another guy like him...I wanted to be ready.
andNow:: Now I am discouraged. I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. I'm bitter. I'm jaded. And I'm disgusted. Both at myself for allowing certain men to treat me badly, but also at those men for being rude, disrespectful, demanding, controlling, and just...angry. Angry at me for every thing I've accomplished..pissed about my degrees, pissed at me about my job, and just trying their damnedest to minimize me, to turn down my shine, so that they could take advantage of me. Yes, this pissed me the *F* off. I love black men, don't get me wrong. But I'm really f*cking tired of searching for reasons to like them.
I'm done. F*ck them. I've been out here like Diogenes, searching for an honest man. But F*ck it, I'm done.
*licks thumb and fingers, and puts the light out*
ETA: more random thoughts on the matter......
The most common denominator is me, of course. But other than that - these men have issues with women and control, and issues with women who are independent. It's funny, because that seems to cut across education, intellect, background, regional differences, career, etc. There are exceptions, of course - but the one thing I'm finding most common is that they feel threatened/rejected/frustrated by black women who have their shyt together, and threatened/rejected/frustrated by the overall culture in which we all dwell. I hear them complain about marriage being a form of financial bondage, or that women in general are all confused by their financial independence and won't let a man "take his proper place as the head of the household", or that black women undermine men, or are always beating black men up, or are too busy for a "real" relationship or to be supportive to his goals, or ....they're just not interested in commitment, because there are "too many single women out here to just settle down with one". I think that sums up most of the generalities.
myExpectations:: I don't expect anything up front, other than to hang out and have a good time, and get treated with respect. But in a lot of cases, I get disrespect. Completely stood up, or attacked about my schedule and finishing school, accused of cheating (? I'm not in a committed relationship, so I don't even know how that's possible?) or lying about studying, attacked for being too headstrong / independent....etc. I've even argued (heatedly discussed) whether it's feasible for a woman "like me" (black, over 40, never married, with kids) to expect to get married, given the "statistics" about the number of black men in jail, on the DL, already married, etc.
I keep meeting men with ISSUES - gigantic, Louis Vuitton footlocker baggage, and their entire goal seems to be to meet women, denigrate them, then use their exposed insecurities to manipulate them. And when I call these men on their BS - I'm a bytch who will never find someone who lives up to my expectations.
Dating just isn't fun anymore. I don't have any desire to "cross over to the other side"....So - I'm taking some time off, before my frustration becomes a healthy dislike for the object of my affection - namely the black man.
Comments
I'm not sure who this is - but you can holla at me if you want to discuss it. My contact info is posted on the main page.
If this is just a generic blanket statement - I'm sorry you feel that way. My intent wasn't to attack anyone's character or denigrate anyone. My point was (and is) that if being that ideal woman means that I have to sacrifice my value in order to fulfill someone else's dream or validate someone's self-worth (yes, that is an intentional oxymoron) than I'm better off chilling by myself. I won't be devalued just to level the proverbial playing field, so that the person that is interested in me feels worthy of my attention.
Posted by: saga | March 11, 2008 09:58 AM
You know i've thought long and hard and to tell the truth when I needed you to be a positive never ending ear you opted out to be the complete diva and almost MBA grad. I didn't need you to tell me how to conduct my business I just need you to lend a slight helping hand on a small developemental phase of my dream. But you opted out and thus lost me left me confused and frustrated and at that time I didn't need either of those. I just needed you to be a small part of something bigger. You get in your own way.
Posted by: TheManWorks | March 6, 2008 01:18 AM
I've read this once. I will come back and read it again....
Posted by: Morena | October 6, 2007 08:03 PM
u r strong sis.. i got to a point where i realised that, 'the object of my affection' just doesn't appreciate me as his white counterpart. he is always trying to make me over, i do not have the right hair, shape. i go to opera and ballet, that just ain't black enough. on holidays i visit churches...i have heard it all, and been termed not black enough... and i got to a point where i couldn't care less. the white man has appreciated me for so long, and i have denied myself a chance to be treated with respect, just cause i want my own brothas.. f#ck them... i'm done running after them... all i have ver done is love them with all my might and for what...
Posted by: Coolbabe | October 2, 2007 03:12 AM