sagaciously is...

Frankly, I've been a hopeful romantic for years. A love-conquers-all, fanatic of Eros style love romantic. In the past, I've been a big believer in the idea that opposites attract, and that "chemistry" is some undefinable "X" factor that just happens.

Then I grew up, and learned that all of that is BS. Love is a choice, and we choose who to love.

Ok, okay - yes, the milkman can marry the lawyer - that's not what I'm talking about. I guess I need to define what I think equally yoked means.

what doesn't equally yoked mean?:: most discussions about being equally yoked that I've come across or have been involved in, reference religious beliefs and Christianity. They reference 2 Corinthians 6:14, which follows:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

I can't speak to the theological implications (me being a card-carrying member of Bedside Baptist and all), but I can understand the logic, even if I don't agree with it. If you're a holy-rolling bible-thumper, chance are you will have major issues with an atheist. If you're strict Muslim, you're probably gonna have issues with a Jainist.

But this assumes that religious beliefs are the deal-breaker, and I don't necessarily agree with that. In love, as in life, everyone has priorities. Religion may not be #1 on that list. But what is on that list? And what is #1 on that list? How do you decide? I just find the religious definition restrictive, since it doesn't address priorities.

morals, values and cultural mores - oh my?!:: Opposites attract? Hm...it's easy to look at an artist and a scientist and think they're diametrically opposed. She's creative, he's analytical; she's free-spirited, and he's anal-retentive. Stereotypically. But is that accurate? Is that even important?

I took an African-American studies class a while ago, and it helped me examine what's important in building a healthy relationship. One of the principles we discussed was looking beyond the superficial reasons people typically get together, such as appearance, money, sexual attraction, and shared religious practices (ooooooo!). The idea was to focus on things that were more deeply ingrained in our personalities, that influence the life decisions we make: our morals, our values, our cultural mores and character traits.

An example: I have a friend who's in an industry that demands that he be very social. Networking is key to his business, so he interacts with a lot of people, and a lot of those people happen to be female. It's not necessarily part of his moral fiber, but it is part of the industry he chose to be in, so he does it - and does it very well. For a time, he was involved with a woman who was insecure. Very insecure. So much so that his job became a topic of ongoing arguments. He didn't have to be so social....he didn't have to allegedly flirt with every woman he meets at work. I had to have a heart-to-heart with him, and tell him - she's not the chick that's going to help you get where you're trying to go, no matter how much you love other things about her. They just weren't equally yoked.

The point here is that this is very subjective, and completely defined by the individuals involved. His job was important to him, and the socializing was a part of who he was. Her insecurities were diametrically opposed to this. So in this case - opposites repel. They broke up for other reasons, but IMHO - they just weren't on the same page.

equally yoked:: So...you have to really know "who you are", and what's important to you - in order to find someone that you want to spend time with. Your morals, your values, the cultural mores/norms that influence you and the way you live - all make up your personality. These, IMHO, are what's important, and what cannot conflict in a relationship. An ambitious person won't mesh well with someone who lacks ambition. Someone who's compassionate won't connect with someone who's aloof. This is what it means to be equally yoked. It doesn't guarantee a conflict-free relationship - I don't think such a thing exists. But these are things that are deal-breakers, so when we're making our list - these are the things that should be at the top.

my "list"::I've had the opportunity to interact with some really interesting men. Educated and street-educated, intelligent, honest, culturally aware - as well as followers of pop culture. And I've engaged in really interesting conversations that have ranged from music and the merits of a pop-music Amerie vs. a neo-soul Erykah Badu, to furniture design and where to find a good Eames chair, to Friedman, Stiglitz and whether most economic theorists have their head up their a$$. I like hanging out with people who think Will Ferrell is hilarious, but can also laugh at Dave Chappelle as well as Steve Carrell & Romany Malco. Or Adult Swim. Who choose to vote for Obama because of his platform on issues, not just because he's black and they're not feeling Hilary. Who think that owning their own business is vital to long-term wealth building, and won't rely on government bail-outs (that are few and far between) but will wholeheartedly exploit every possible government subsidy and program that exists to help them start and run their own businesses. And who feel a solid set of foreign and trade policies are as important to the US coming out of our recession as domestic economic policies.

You see, I understand what's important to me. My list includes intelligence, ambition, open-mindedness, a strong sense of self (confidence/self-assurance), witty, fashionable, a passion for learning, culturally aware, sensual, spiritual, financially "making moves", social, politically knowledgeable and possessing not only a vision that includes both L-T and S-T goals, but also has a real plan to get them from point A to point B (and beyond). Oh, and possesses a passport. ;)

Does that make me elitist? Maybe - but it neither negates my parents' working class with no HS diplomas backgrounds, nor my 3 degrees. A college education (from a pedigreed school) isn't a deal-breaker, but snarky comments regarding my education is - since my education is important to me.

Does this sound like a rant? It partially is - after a less-than-amicable encounter with a potential dater that I wasn't feeling, and a nastygram from a few other brothas telling me that I'm way too "picky" or that I, like a lot of other "black women" am a "bitch, who thinks that they're as good as white women, but in reality is just a nigger".

If me declaring what I want in a potential mate is my being a "bitch" then so be it - I'll be that. I know who I am, and what I'm worth, and subsequently am not willing to settle for anything less than someone deserving of a woman as special as me. And if my declaration somehow emasculates you, or incenses you to the point that you feel the overwhelming need to denigrate me - then we're definitely not equally yoked.