I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to post a comment myself, and it took me a few minutes...lol.
Comments are still subject to approval (I've received 6 junk comments in the last 4 minutes - damn those spiders). Meanwhile - feel free to leave me love! :-D
d'ya think Joan of Ark had a boyfriend? Yanno, before she got burned alive at 19 yrs old?
I want you to repeat after me, and say this out loud: "Me, first."
Not "me, too' or "me, eventually." Say it again: "Me, first."
Yes, I take my own advice:: Now let me just preface this by saying that some of these posts are directed squarely back at me...lol. I stay busy. I/m the proverbial type-A-er, with too much on my plate, and always running 100mph. Cup overfloweth, plate stays full. But I've learned, by trial and error, to put myself first. Despite my child's special needs, the demanding job, the non-profit work, my grown child's request, the friend's demands, and the random stuff that pops up in everyday life. Even as I'm making moves, I still remember that I come first.
motherhood != selflessness:: (wow that was the geek version, for laymen motherhood does not equal selflessness)...even though a lot of us come with that kind of baggage. I used to be that kind of mom....that thought they only way I could be a good mom was to continuously sacrifice, and basically always put my child first, no matter what. But no child should be subjected to thinking that motherhood runs on guilt/angst alone. And that's exactly what I was teaching my child. I mean really - selflessness does incur a lot of debt in the person/people you're sacrificing for (unless they're really heartless). It's a heavy burden to bear. A better lesson is to teach a child about balance and to understand that they're truly loved, without martyring (yes, that is a word now) yourself as a parent.....
speaking of martyrs:: isn't this sorta the anti-sexy? I mean really - let's think about them for a second. Was Ghandi married? Did Joan have a suitor? Did Mother Theresa have a secret admirer we weren't aware of? Yes, I know that's shallow (and marginally disrespectful - sorry) - but the point has to be made. If you're dating, and you're constantly putting EVERYTHING ahead of you, martyr-syndrome may be affecting you. Perception is everything, and if you make yourself appear selfless and low-priority, then anyone interested in you will follow suit.
Wondering why you got stood up? Or why that guy isn't asking you out? Well - you appear to be sacrificing yourself and everything that's important to you, to be with this person. Is that even remotely appealing?
a concrete example: when I was involved with the drama with FL, I sacrificed EVERYTHING to try and make things work. Friends, family, social circle, activities. Everything. And the more selfless I became, the more he walked all over me. And when I hit bottom, when I was literally LACKING self, he resented me.
Me, first:: Isn't just about putting yourself first, though. That is a start. But you also have to take care of yourself, first. You have to know who you are, first. You have to get yourself together (inside and out) first. To truly find endless love and eternal happiness (or even a Sunday morning love, and fleeting happiness) - you have to be very VERY comfortable with you, first.
I looked at a picture of a colleague of mine, and she just beams, yanno? Highbeams constantly. She glows, not just because she's beautiful (she is) but also because she is cool with herself. (note to self: i really should tell her that. no homo.)
So, yes. Have-it-all, and do-it-all. Be Superwomen/Supermen. Save the earth, cure cancer, be a role model for your children and the best parents you can be. Do all those things that improve your schools, your community, and your lives. Leave your mark on the world. But don't forget.....
Take care of yourself, first. And that One (if they truly are the one) will love and appreciate you all the more for it.
If u weren't aware, Hitch is one of my favorite movies. Against my will, I am a fan of romantic comedies - particularly since my dating life provides so much comedic fodder. So if I reference some obscure Hitch-ism you're unfamiliar with, take a look at movies quotes from Hitch.
cool: \ˈkül\ - marked by steady dispassionate calmness and self-control; marked by restrained emotion and the frequent use of counterpoint; very good, excellent, fashionable, hip.
Sometimes we as women just want to jump in, face first.
I mean, honestly - the dating situation can be challenging. And depending on which magazines you read, or media BS you buy into, dating times are hard, and the situation is well-f@#ked. So really - who can blame a chick for being a little, er - frantic? But let's not all wild out here and act desperate.
I cannot tell you how many of my guy friends complain about women getting too into them too early in the dating game. One great date, one excellent conversation, or a random orgasm between friends, and they're registering at Target. Or, more often, getting VERY demanding about time spent together, other women, or full disclosure.
Here's some tough love - one great date only equals one great date.
Be cool...just relax....let it marinate for a second.
Dating is a process, much like getting a job. If your ultimate goal is to find someone special, then it should be just as painful, and more lengthy,than finding a really great job....
Now, I'm not saying the timeline should necessarily be long - some folks get to number 9 quicker than others. But I am suggesting that skipping a few steps could lead to you being stuck in a dead-end job that's going nowhere or working with someone who is unbearable.
To quote Steve Harvey, women should really date like men. (In my best Steve Harvey voice) "Spend time gettting to know this person. Figure out if this person even wants a relationship. Find out if this person really even likes you and not just your cookies. Women will spend countless hours doing investigative work to determine whether there's some other chick on the side, but then they won't spend any time figurin' out if they're compatible with the person they're dating. Women kill me with that..."
Yeah Steve - they kill me too. But we should really embrace this Hitch-ism right here: Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away. We should really take some time to enjoy those moments when they come.
My lil anecdote:: I've been having some Hitch-like dates/days. So, I met a guy (#1), and he is great. On paper, the resume is tight. In person, he's intelligent and charming. Hows-n-ever, we're just hanging out, so it's SO not serious and I refuse to fast track this dude against his will, yanno?
So - I'm seeing other people. I went out with Guy #2, and we had a good time. He's a decent guy. But on the way home, I stopped by a local bistro/club to hang out a bit. Some wine, some music, some conversations with guys I'm not dating...and who did I run into there? .....Yes, Guy #1. And much as I wanted to plant one on him in the middle of the club when he hugged me....
Be cool.
...I hugged him back. Engaged his brothers charmingly. And exited gracefully when I noticed his eye lingering on another chick in the club. Far be it from me to undermine my own elegance by calling him on it.
Classic. It couldn't have been any more Hitch-y if I had written it. And I'm patting myself on the back (a lil) for being cool.
Note To E: much love. You know why ;).
I might have to put my lust for Keith Olbermann aside temporarily - so I can cheat on him with John Stewart. I <3 this dude....
....egg-friggin-zactly!
Well, not your actual vote. That's probably illegal - somewhere ;)
But you can post that you've already Voted!
Given the voter registration issues that have already been raised, and the issues everyone's anticipating - early voting shouldn't just be an option for some of us. It should be mandatory for all of us. We need to ensure that we don't ALL wait until November 4th, just to find out a lot of us aren't eligible because of registration flubs. Vote now and find out now!
I voted yesterday. It took me 90 minutes, was orderly and quiet. No tempers flared, people were excited about the election. That's what the voting process should look like.
Vote NOW! Check http://www.earlyvoting.net to find out whether/not your state offers early voting, or contact the Secretary of State's office in your state. Or Google "early voting" along with your state, and chances are the first link will be the instructions for your state.
Yes, I live in Georgia, and Georgia's information can be found here: Georgia Early Voting Instructions.
Encourage your friends to do the same. If you've VOTED?: BLOG IT! TXT IT! TWIT IT! POST IT! and pass the word on!
I got the graphic from the London Times website, while reading their election coverage. More cartoons (a particularly sharp one showing W. sniffing the arse of the British Prime minister and his rescue plan) can be found here.
It's hard for me to avoid the subject of the financial crisis, the US' $700B+ bailout and the state of the economy. I'd vowed a while ago to leave the political/economic analytical blogging to wiser heads, but ....I cannot avoid it. It's constantly on everyone's hearts and minds, and the news media is covering it ad infinitum. However, I got a fresh perspective the other day by tuning in to PBS.
Let me preface this by saying I'm not a longtime fan of PBS, but it's almost impossible to get unbiased US news without editorializing anymore. Democratic or Republican, conservative or liberal, capitalist, socialist of communist - I think we'd have to all agree that network news (let alone cable news) is about as fair & balanced as a seesaw with one rider. MNC's (multinational corporations) own mainstream media, and they have their own interests (profit) to serve. Hence me tuning out, and tuning in to PBS.
Some stories:
- the $2 trillion dollars that the EU is pledging to shore up their financial markets. This, along with Britain's banking Nationalization plan (it preceded the story about the US' plan by a day or so...)
- Food rationing in Cuba has become even more challenging, as a result of Hurricanes Gustav & Ike, and (again) loosely linked to the US economic crisis
- Bombings in Guadalajara and , Mexico - are loosely linked to the economic crisis
- Chinese companies are investing heavily in Africa, particularly Rwanda - resulting in both an influx of jobs as well as Chinese exports
Overall - if there was one underlying theme - it's that the US' economic policies aren't all we've made them out to be...it's that those policies will ultimately be our downfall. Our overwhelming desire for unbridled capitalistic industrialization - without being tempered by a cultural social consciousness - will be the noose with which we ultimately hang. Those are the Strings that are Attached.
If I haven't blogged about the BRIC's yet - I need to. Because they, collectively and individually, are going to teach us a lesson about how capitalism needs a conscience. it's alluded to in the posts under Economics, but I'll expound later. The 30-second speech is: Brazil, Russia, India and China are amongst the world's fastest growing economies, and their cultural mores embrace collectivism and social conscience. So, they're growing with an eye on the world in which they grow. We could take a lesson from them.
Strings. Nooses. Keep watching the stories from the G7/8 countries, and how they fare in this fiasco.
Although I'm as wary as the next person about the interwebs...this story still has me jazzed, almost two weeks after I found out about it. Jazzed enough to give you TMI about where I live.
So, the economic crisis is hitting everyone at home, and I do realize that I and my neighbors shouldn't be an exception. How-s-neva, when reporting on crime in my area, I really expect that the "news media" will not report the story like a How-To-video. You can see the Fox 5 Atlanta story here
Now, please note from this graphic - I live in the very lowest left-hand corner of that map. So yes, there have been crimes committed in my area - but from this Google map - crimes are going on all across Atlanta - not just in my lil corner of the world.
Here are my issues:
- they identified the subdivision and its location
- they explained how (at one point) large-ticket freebies were given away to (some) residents
- they detailed how criminals were both casing the subdivision, and locating said high-ticket items
- they detailed how the criminals come back to steal them
- they also detailed how understaffed and overwhelmed the Atlanta Police department was in addressing these issues.
In essence - they created a how-to video. So...why not just create a Google Map, with the words "STEAL FLAT SCREEN TV'S HERE" emblazoned across it with an arrow pointing to our neck of the woods?
I'm glad that I wasn't fortunate enough to have been a recipient of a not-so-free flat-screen. Wonder how much those homeowners are now paying to replace them? Is this responsible journalism?
I hate that I cannot embed that video, but it's there on their website. Meanwhile, I have a letter to write to the station.
aside: the .5 percentile might've been a smidge lofty. This one, not so much....I'll get back to lofty highbrow topics in a bit.
I called E, and the following conversation ensued:
me:: I'm beginning to understand it.
E:: ..understand wha?
me:: star & al?
E:: things cannot have possibly gotten that bad....
me:: no listen - I have an event to attend, sorta important, and I need a date....but they have to be qualified. Not the regular guys I toss back in the water. Its gonna sound elitist, but he's got to be event-worthy....
E:: AHHH, I gotcha...you need the make equivalent of a beard.
me, laughing:: Yeah, but not a merkin...
E:: a who? WTH?
...the conversation ensued. Back to Al & Star - I'm beginning to understand why Star chose Al, and Terri dealt with Jonathan, and so many sistas deal not just with men whose sexuality is in question, but who may be less than ideal. It's not about eye-candy, or money, or even hot sex on a platter. It's about companionship. It's not just about who's going to mow the lawn, or pick the kids up from school, or split the bills. It's about who will support me both in my finest and darkest hours? It's about who will take me to the 1,399th charity function? Who will withstand the level of attention and battery of gossip that I've been dealing with for __ years, and still want to be by my side, just because? Not saying I'm anywhere near the level of Star, or Terri....or Halle...or Oprah, but I do understand it....at my own level. it's hard enough finding someone you're interested in, then add all that additional scrutiny, or the need to avoid it, and it doesn't get any easier.
me:: ....so yeah, I need lipstick.
E:: But not just any old lipstick. You need MAC lipglass.
me:: I'm very upset that you're straight, and yet you know what MAC lipglass is.
E:: Beside the point. The point is that you cannot show up with some Sally Beauty supply lipgloss.
me:: True.
E:: Not only do you need lipstick, but it's also got to be the right shade, and consistency.
So yes, the non-profit work I'm doing is opening certain doors. I have a function. It's not a gala or anything, but it is important and it would be nice to have some candy on my arm. But not just eye-candy. Dude has to be able to socialize with a certain level of sophistication, and not act like a rube. If you're wondering what that is, please look it up before I state the obvious - if you don't know what that is, surely you're probably one. (sorta like the prices not being listed on the menu, and if you have to ask...you can't afford it. but I digress...)
me:: ..hm....I have one and a possible. I hate that my dating existence strongly resembles a bad hand of Spades.
E:: guffaws with laughter
me:: it wasn't THAT funny. How about ______? (mutual gay friend).
E:: that shade of lipstick is WAY too bright. It's like bubblegum pink. You need more neutral. How about _____? (studly, yet flirtatious mutual gay friend).
me:: Er, and then I look up from an intense conversation regarding the effectiveness of letter-writing campaigns, only to find his tongue in the ear of that hot Italian water bringing hors d'oeuvres. No.
E:: MUAHAHAHAHA. Looks like Spades hand it is.
me:: shyt.
See, this is what truly finding someone who is equally yoked is about - what dating really is about. When you visualize the life the way you live it now, and intend to live it later - who fits?
I really don't want eye-candy, or lipstick, to attend this function with me. I really want to be mutually interested in someone that fits, yanno? Comfortable enough in their own skin to hang with my crazy friends (c'mon, if you've been reading this for a while or know me at all, you know they're special), deal with my type A-ness, and then sophisticated enough to both play in the dirt with me, and also carry a conversation with my colleagues.
Yep. Spades hand it is. Let's hope the other "players" renege. ;)
....and this campaign sinks further into the mud....
...the name-calling, branding Obama a terrorist because of his name, and his parent's friends when he was 6...or because of work he did decades ago....charges of treason, etc. Then this...and the fact that the folks gathered around him in line were amused....it's getting harder and harder to swallow. Issues....our country has real issues we need to address.....
...And here I am.
I know I'm completely shot out for being gone so long. I have a gazilion excuses. Almost 700 billion to be exact (pun intended), and a lot of them are legitimate. But the most accurate reason is that the blogging adrenaline (for me) comes and goes. It went for a long time. It's back for the moment. I'm hoping it has returned for a while.
Meanwhile, I am dating, and dating more successfully than I have in years. Why, you ask? Because I now understand the .5 pecentile.
everyone that's ever taken a statistics class recognizes this, but for those of you who don't - it's a normal distribution. It's the graphical representation of the probability of something occurring.
And in this case, I'm applying it to the probability that you, I or any of us single folks out here will meet "someone" we actually like, let alone that "One".
I was chatting with a friend - who happens to be someone I dated - but our date evolved into something much better. Antywho, we were talking about our rosters - dating lineups - and who's shaking out to be more than just Bachelor/Bachelorette # 2 (or in my case, 2,849).
After talking a bit, mostly sharing lil vignettes about the qualities our daters possessed that will get them beyond an initial meeting, we compared notes. And even though we're looking for different things, and dating very different people - it all boiled down to one thing. The .5 percentile, and the number in the middle.
That number in the middle - the 68% or 95% or 99.7%, represents the confidence interval - which is an estimation of a population parameter. In layman's terms - it's a guesstimation on how many people do/do not qualify to be included in the estimate of that something occurring.
Applying this to dating, it's how many people will NOT qualify to be the "One" or a special someone. In other words - it's the number of frogs you have to kiss to get to the Prince....if you decide to kiss them all. If you're not very picky, and are okay with dating frogs, then maybe 68% of folks won't qualify, and 32% may have a shot at you. Hence those larger areas at the end of the spectrum.
However, if you're picky? Yah, like me...and like my friend...lol. If you're picky, then 99.5% of the people you meet will not qualify to be that "One". Matter of fact, they won't even come close. See those teeny little areas at each end of the spectrum? Yes, that would be the .5 percentile.
That's a WHOLE lot of minnows that get thrown back into the dating pool. Depressing? No! Seriously - not at all. It just makes it easier to toss folks. Dating isn't just about finding the "one" - it's about figuring out all the 'not-the-ones' so we don't waste time on someone we're clearly not compatible with. It's really about getting to know someone, to see if you two are compatible.
Ok, so yes - I am casting my net wider and faster - and eliminating folks faster. Because most guys ain't ready for all this complexity, yanno? It might seem harsh or cold - but it's the truth, Ruth - and it's working for me.
