Dating PSA #10 - Me First

d'ya think Joan of Ark had a boyfriend? Yanno, before she got burned alive at 19 yrs old?

I want you to repeat after me, and say this out loud: "Me, first."

Not "me, too' or "me, eventually." Say it again: "Me, first."

Yes, I take my own advice:: Now let me just preface this by saying that some of these posts are directed squarely back at me...lol. I stay busy. I/m the proverbial type-A-er, with too much on my plate, and always running 100mph. Cup overfloweth, plate stays full. But I've learned, by trial and error, to put myself first. Despite my child's special needs, the demanding job, the non-profit work, my grown child's request, the friend's demands, and the random stuff that pops up in everyday life. Even as I'm making moves, I still remember that I come first.

motherhood != selflessness:: (wow that was the geek version, for laymen motherhood does not equal selflessness)...even though a lot of us come with that kind of baggage. I used to be that kind of mom....that thought they only way I could be a good mom was to continuously sacrifice, and basically always put my child first, no matter what. But no child should be subjected to thinking that motherhood runs on guilt/angst alone. And that's exactly what I was teaching my child. I mean really - selflessness does incur a lot of debt in the person/people you're sacrificing for (unless they're really heartless). It's a heavy burden to bear. A better lesson is to teach a child about balance and to understand that they're truly loved, without martyring (yes, that is a word now) yourself as a parent.....

speaking of martyrs:: isn't this sorta the anti-sexy? I mean really - let's think about them for a second. Was Ghandi married? Did Joan have a suitor? Did Mother Theresa have a secret admirer we weren't aware of? Yes, I know that's shallow (and marginally disrespectful - sorry) - but the point has to be made. If you're dating, and you're constantly putting EVERYTHING ahead of you, martyr-syndrome may be affecting you. Perception is everything, and if you make yourself appear selfless and low-priority, then anyone interested in you will follow suit.

Wondering why you got stood up? Or why that guy isn't asking you out? Well - you appear to be sacrificing yourself and everything that's important to you, to be with this person. Is that even remotely appealing?

a concrete example: when I was involved with the drama with FL, I sacrificed EVERYTHING to try and make things work. Friends, family, social circle, activities. Everything. And the more selfless I became, the more he walked all over me. And when I hit bottom, when I was literally LACKING self, he resented me.

Me, first:: Isn't just about putting yourself first, though. That is a start. But you also have to take care of yourself, first. You have to know who you are, first. You have to get yourself together (inside and out) first. To truly find endless love and eternal happiness (or even a Sunday morning love, and fleeting happiness) - you have to be very VERY comfortable with you, first.

I looked at a picture of a colleague of mine, and she just beams, yanno? Highbeams constantly. She glows, not just because she's beautiful (she is) but also because she is cool with herself. (note to self: i really should tell her that. no homo.)

So, yes. Have-it-all, and do-it-all. Be Superwomen/Supermen. Save the earth, cure cancer, be a role model for your children and the best parents you can be. Do all those things that improve your schools, your community, and your lives. Leave your mark on the world. But don't forget.....

Take care of yourself, first. And that One (if they truly are the one) will love and appreciate you all the more for it.