January 2010 Archives

author's note: even as I did this, I noted to myself that this was either pretty brave, or really stupid. Jury's still out on which...

I hate this question. I really do. I mean, we all ask it - but what purpose does it serve, really? Do we think the person being asked is going to really be honest about their character flaws, or why their relationships ended?

But I, like many people, try to formulate a response that's both honest and flattering. That reveals enough of who we are, to gain the asker's interest. An answer like: "I wasn't ready to settle down...I haven't met the right person...." or something along those lines. Marginally honest, but ultimately generic enough to not be unflattering.

And then I thought to myself, do I even know the real answer? Would my "exes" agree? And really - isn't it more important that I know why and that my answer is honest with me, than me deluding myself with that same marginally honest answer?

So, I asked them directly. Their responses? Let's go to the tape...

Ex #1::You're going for it (a relationship) from a whole 'nother view - from an MBA position..and that's not a good look....you like to be in charge of the situation, men are not going to allow that. That's not gonna happen. No man wants to feel like a bitch, and if they do - they're settling. Eventually, they'll be Tiger Woods-ing it. A man needs a woman, he doesn't need a man. And he wants a woman that will play her position. You're a Taurus and you're stubborn, you have a bad temper, and when things get thick, you want to leave. And you leave. A man wants to be the protector, and when you pull out a shank to protect him, he ain't feeling it.

author's note: he really revelled in giving it to me straight, didn't he? Ouch. Okaay...let's press on, shall we....next....

Ex #2:: Well are u pushing peeps away? U did that with me. U said things that went to u not wanting a relationship...U said I didn't really love u....It made me say f*ck it.....Dude fa real I wanted u all to me.....u gotta stop....U may miss ya shit

author's note: yeah, I did do that....next....

Ex #3:: 'cause u want to be...

author's note: don't u hate an extra short response? Like dude - seriously? So, I asked him to go in....and he says....

Ex #3:: You are a person that is smart, attractive, well educated, good lover....it's just you. Your personality. You want a man to be every dayum bit of a man when he steps to you...you don't want a quarter of a man, he can't be a half a man...you want a man be a whole man. In Georgia, women spoil men, and take care of them so good, men are spoiled.....men aren't trying to be that old-skool, back in the day man....times have changed, and you aren't going to meet the types of men your mama met. Women tend to look for a man like their dad...and a lot of brothers now can't live up to that. And it's easier to deal with a woman who will settle. You have to take a man where he is. But you? You take one look at a man's potential....and if he doesn't live up to your standards? You fire them so fast, and so hard...he doesn't even know what hit him.....

author's note: ...and the last response from my exes.

Ex #4:: By choice....Better to be alone than in bad company.

So, there you have it. My thoughts weren't THAT far off....but I definitely learned a lil something...something.

My standards are high. I've known this for years, but - Ex #3 put that into perspective. My high standards alone aren't necessarily the hindrance, but combine them with dating in a market where demand is extremely high (lots of single women) and supply is iffy (quality men are in short supply)...and the idea that some of those single women are not only willing to settle, but also willing to spoil, nurture, or cater to a single man in ways that...well...I just haven't been equipped to....and my single-ness is not only completely explainable, but no longer surprising.

As for the other responses: Yes, as per Ex #1- I go hard (my nickname is Brooklyn) - and men don't find that attractive. Not surprising, duly noted - and I'm working on that. And as for Ex #2's comment, yes - I'm also a runner. Also working on that.

I'm a work in progress, obviously. I'm also painfully aware that if I want to end my single status - I CANNOT keep doing the same thing I've been doing for years (because doing the same thing and expecting different results is idiocy, isn't it?).

This was, definitely, enlightening. If any of my other exes respond...I'll post it accordingly.

author's note: I really should take a break from discussion boards, because they color my vision of dating, relationships and men, greatly. But I like debate - hence my absence. But I digress...

Numerous postings, debates, discussions later....and I'm feeling like my already suppressed libido is dissipating in the wind, like smoke.

I don't know how to put this one eloquently or succinctly, so I'll just ramble along. Bear with me.

I want a man that wants me. Period.

So much of what I read finds me (as in me, the black woman) lacking. I'm too stubborn, too expressive, too aggressive, too shallow, too materialistic, too strong, too vocal about my strengths, too independent, too vocal about my independence, too big, too black focused, too ambitious, too manipulative, to the detriment of black men....yeah, I've said it before, here - It's not my fault and I'm not the enemy. But...all I keep hearing, reading, and the feedback I'm getting is....

Black men aren't feeling me (a black woman) exactly as I am.

What I'm hearing is: my standards are too high. I focus on materialistic things instead of the content of a man's character. I fire men for the slightest, most trivial infraction. I mean, I could go on. I need to change if I want to get the relationship I deserve.

What I'm not hearing is that black men actually want, me.

I get no brownie points for anything. Not my character, because this is deemed lacking (I'm shallow). Not my appearance, because there are always more attractive women in the world, since beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not for my accomplishments, because men claim they don't care about anything I've accomplished. So what am I left with? I should appear to be "fun" and "happy" and then maybe - a black man will want me?

This brother, this generic black man, who (by their own definition/description) cannot live up to my "unreasonable" standards, isn't attractive. There's nothing remotely noble, or desirable about a male who, instead of striving to rise above their current circumstances or past experiences - chooses to, consistently and rather vocally, ask his mate to lower her expectations. These brothers find themselves, wanting. Then because of their self-analysis, self-reflection and their perception of my standards, they feel that they are "lacking" - and thus attack me and use their analysis to move on to a woman who has no standards. If my dream is to build a relationship foundation,by choosing a mate that is a reflection of those qualities that I value most about myself, who is this black man that's basically taking a dump on my dream? And why would I want that black man?

There's this study that was mentioned in a NY Times article, regarding women's sexual desires and the things that stimulate women. It's a long read,, but a good one. According to the article, one doctor in the field goes so far as to hook the nether region up to instruments that measure moistness (o_O) and genital responses, then gauges the effect certain stimuli has on a woman's arousal. One of the (somewhat) surprising findings? Women respond to being desired. Even in watching porn, when the act portrays the woman as desirable, or strongly attractive to the man in the movie, so that he acts as though he wants the woman strongly - women watching this become aroused.

And this explains why I'm feeling like my mojo has left the building. Who wants to be constantly bombarded, particularly by the object of your desire specifically, with the message that they're not desirable? Insufficient? Defective? Damaged? Given all that I've read, debated, discussed, etc - I'm more than a little surprised that I'm not trying to date interractially. Because I don't see THEM throwing me under the bus on a regular basis.

I want a man who is appreciative of more than my bigg butt and my smile. I want a man who can express that he admires all of me: my complexity, my intelligence, my strength, my ambition, my sex appeal, my resiliance, my passion, my accomplishments, my compassion, my spirituality, my morals, and my values. And everything about me that he has yet to know, but actually wants to discover.

I want a black man, but more importantly - a man that desires me. All of me.

Yeah, I've been MIA - but I've been busy, and that's a good thing ;)

So, my friends decided that they were coming to visit Atlanta for the holidays, and wanted to go on New Year's eve. Now, I haven't been out on NYE since the early 90's, so I wanted to look fabu and have a fabu time - cause it may be the last NYE that I'll be going out on the town.

So the question of the day for me was - what to wear? And the first answer that popped in my mind was that YSL Lurex jumpsuit that I talked about in the plus sized trend shopping post in November.

However, not only did I not have $1,690 laying around for an outfit, but to my knowledge, YSL doesn't make clothes for women my size. So what's a fashionista on a budget to do? Bust out that Singer (or in my case, Baby Lock), hit up the fabric store - and Tim Gunn it.

And just in case you all have a desire to DIY it, I'm providing details ;)

Patterns:: First, let's talk about finding the pattern. I stalk Butterick & Vogue Patterns' websites regularly, and I sorta doubted I'd find the exact jumpsuit I wanted, which was true. What I did end up finding (via Google) is a host of Vintage pattern and craft sites like Lanetzliving, along with Ebay and Ecrater. So, I ordered 2 jumpsuit patterns initially, both with sleeveless looks, but back variations. However, I really wanted a halter-back jumpsuit, so after hitting up all my previous sites, I found a vintage pattern on eBay, Butterick 3934:

Note that the pattern was NOT my size - it was actually a few sizes too small. So, although I really liked the style, I knew alterations were in my future. But I love a challenge!

Fabrics:: This actually took a LOT more effort than the pattern. As any seamstress, designer, or reality tv show will tell you - fabric selection is e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I could list all the websites and brick & mortar fabric stores I visited, and it would take up most of this post. So, the main point is, there are a ton of online fabric shops that have good selections in typical fabrics, like Denver Fabrics, Vogue Fabric Stores, and even exceptional, one-of-a-kind fabrics such as Emma One Sock. But they only came close, and I needed the fabric to be dead on.

So, we finally hit up local brick & mortar stores. My good friend Chelle pointed me to Peachtree Fabrics, but unfortunately although the selection is amazing, the only carry decorator fabrics. After hitting up a couple of other stores and asking tons of questions, the lovely ladies at Forsyth Fabrics (down to earth Jersey girls like Chelle) sent me to Gail K.

Cue the aww-AWW music, and let a gold halo shine on this store, m'kay?! The selection was amazing, I mean the store was overrun with stuff: sequins, prints, jacquards, lurex, organza, wools, heavyweight tweeds, etc. In other stores, when I said Lurex, the staff gave me that Scooby-doo "hunh" look. In Gail K, when I said Lurex, the staff pointed to a whole rack of bolts of fabric. Sweet!

Alterations:: As I said, the pattern was several sizes too small. So, I had to consult several sources to figure out how to resize it. I came across several techniques, including the splitter techique and the pivot & slide technique. However, I found a book that details the pivot & slide technique:

...except I made the pattern about 4 sizes too big. What to do?!

Tim Gunn-ing in this piece:: the interesting thing about committing to something is that, under the gun, when the resources are depleted (read: you're broke) and time is short...you will MAKE IT WORK. Which is what I did. I mean, I was clipping, resewing, trimming, reclipping, trying on, starting over....I think a person with less patience would have given up. But this chick was c.o.m.m.i.t.t.e.d. I kept at it, until it started looking like the picture in my head, and like a sculpture, it eventually, with more whittling and slicing, started looking like I wanted it to....and eventually:

Not bad, hm? I'm rather proud of myself....it might not be an exact replica, but I think it's pretty good for a first (after a long non-sewing hiatus) attempt.

Aight, gotta go...I have a ton of back-in-the-day fabrics/projects to now tackle. Project Saga continues....lol