author's note: I really should take a break from discussion boards, because they color my vision of dating, relationships and men, greatly. But I like debate - hence my absence. But I digress...
Numerous postings, debates, discussions later....and I'm feeling like my already suppressed libido is dissipating in the wind, like smoke.
I don't know how to put this one eloquently or succinctly, so I'll just ramble along. Bear with me.
I want a man that wants me. Period.
So much of what I read finds me (as in me, the black woman) lacking. I'm too stubborn, too expressive, too aggressive, too shallow, too materialistic, too strong, too vocal about my strengths, too independent, too vocal about my independence, too big, too black focused, too ambitious, too manipulative, to the detriment of black men....yeah, I've said it before, here - It's not my fault and I'm not the enemy. But...all I keep hearing, reading, and the feedback I'm getting is....
Black men aren't feeling me (a black woman) exactly as I am.
What I'm hearing is: my standards are too high. I focus on materialistic things instead of the content of a man's character. I fire men for the slightest, most trivial infraction. I mean, I could go on. I need to change if I want to get the relationship I deserve.
What I'm not hearing is that black men actually want, me.
I get no brownie points for anything. Not my character, because this is deemed lacking (I'm shallow). Not my appearance, because there are always more attractive women in the world, since beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not for my accomplishments, because men claim they don't care about anything I've accomplished. So what am I left with? I should appear to be "fun" and "happy" and then maybe - a black man will want me?
This brother, this generic black man, who (by their own definition/description) cannot live up to my "unreasonable" standards, isn't attractive. There's nothing remotely noble, or desirable about a male who, instead of striving to rise above their current circumstances or past experiences - chooses to, consistently and rather vocally, ask his mate to lower her expectations. These brothers find themselves, wanting. Then because of their self-analysis, self-reflection and their perception of my standards, they feel that they are "lacking" - and thus attack me and use their analysis to move on to a woman who has no standards. If my dream is to build a relationship foundation,by choosing a mate that is a reflection of those qualities that I value most about myself, who is this black man that's basically taking a dump on my dream? And why would I want that black man?
There's this study that was mentioned in a NY Times article, regarding women's sexual desires and the things that stimulate women. It's a long read,, but a good one. According to the article, one doctor in the field goes so far as to hook the nether region up to instruments that measure moistness (o_O) and genital responses, then gauges the effect certain stimuli has on a woman's arousal. One of the (somewhat) surprising findings? Women respond to being desired. Even in watching porn, when the act portrays the woman as desirable, or strongly attractive to the man in the movie, so that he acts as though he wants the woman strongly - women watching this become aroused.
And this explains why I'm feeling like my mojo has left the building. Who wants to be constantly bombarded, particularly by the object of your desire specifically, with the message that they're not desirable? Insufficient? Defective? Damaged? Given all that I've read, debated, discussed, etc - I'm more than a little surprised that I'm not trying to date interractially. Because I don't see THEM throwing me under the bus on a regular basis.
I want a man who is appreciative of more than my bigg butt and my smile. I want a man who can express that he admires all of me: my complexity, my intelligence, my strength, my ambition, my sex appeal, my resiliance, my passion, my accomplishments, my compassion, my spirituality, my morals, and my values. And everything about me that he has yet to know, but actually wants to discover.
I want a black man, but more importantly - a man that desires me. All of me.
DITTO.... an awesome post Saga, and there is no reason for your to lower your standards so you can be desired by man... i like the way you put it.
most of us identify a lot with what you wrote, i for one...hear you sister, have been dealing with the same issues for years, and although i have found a partner who can match up to me pound to pound, and strives for better, the battle isn't over yet... i am too independent still!!