I'm reposting this because...well...frankly....I'm tired of men, in the guise of being pseudo-relationship experts or doling out advice to women about how to be in a relationship like to blame the women, black women in particular...without using those other four fingers of the hand to point back at themselves. And because - even 5 years later, it's still relevant, maybe even more relevant, since it seems we bought into the hype these articles started....but that's w whole 'Nother post. From August, 2005:
---------- the original post follows ----------
Disclaimer:: Despite her use of fancy-a$$ words, or socio-political/psychological context, the following IS intended to be saga's RANT. Take from it what you will.
I've been reading more articles than I care to recount, and a good amount of message board responses, to the whole "The Problem with Black Women is..." jawn. Since March 2003 (and probably before), when Newsweek graced news stands with some theories on the dysfunction in African-American relationships, recounting the divorce & marriage rate statistics, and with notable African-American women debating whether our expectations were reasonable, and whether we should "settle", this topic has been floating up to the pop-culture surface in the African-American community, like a turd that just won't flush. And then there's:
~ Jill Jones piece for the Washington Post
~ Rev. Willie Wilson's comments cited in the Washington Blade. Note: click here for a bio on Rev. Willie Wilson.
~ Blacktown.net (note: I won't even try to preface that one with an explanation).
< sigh >
I happen to be one of "those" women. The kind that makes a decent wage, is preternaturally single, and can't seem to find a decent man. Now, don't get me wrong - I will be the first one to shine a light on my emotional baggage. But can an intelligent black woman get a break?
The problem isn't that the black woman "abandoned" or subverted the structure of the African-American family with our attempts to achieve professional success or financial stability. The problem is that black women responded, as well as we could, to changes in our environment, and now we're being lambasted for it.
I, personally, was raised in a two-parent household, where both parents HAD to work in order for the household to survive. Now, who was the larger wage-earner wasn't the issue with my family. The issue was whether or not the wages being earned were enough to sustain us.
Jump to now, and I'm working within cultural constraints that prevent me from creating that same two-parent household. Misogyny has become rampant and almost acceptable as the news media has propagated the "decent black man shortage" and popular media (think: music videos & popular TV shows) has continued to propagate negative images of black women almost exponentially. There are factors on a macro-level that inhibit my ability to find a suitable mate, such as the declining economy, declining marriage rates, and the divorce rate that hit a record high plateau.
And let's talk about the DL for just a second, shall we? I've mentioned my feelings about this before in this space, but just so we're all clear - the DL is media-propaganda, designed to perpetuate paranoia, to sell more books, more videos, and more cd's. There has been a closet for years. AIDS & HIV has been around for years. Promiscuous sexual behavior has been around FOR YEARS. These issues are loosely correlated, one of these things doesn't necessarily "predict" the other, so if you address just one, it won't automatically fix the others. The paranoia related to the DL hasn't and will never correct any of these issues, so frankly I for one feel as if the topic had it's time. The DL is not why I can't find a decent man, but the paranoia related to the DL is.
I've been forced, almost against my will, to economically empower myself, in order to survive. I've been forced, much to my own chagrin, to create a more appealing package (physically, mentally, emotionally and financially) to stay competitive in the hyper-competitive market that dating within the African-American community has become. I've been forced, again without my consent, to become the Alpha-Black-Female, in response to these societal, economic & cultural pressures.
And at the end of all this, what do I get as my reward? I get to be the root of all African-American dysfunctional family evil. Great.
At the end of this post, what would I like to happen? What would I like you to take away from this? That we (yes, I'll speak briefly for the myriad black women who are catching hell right now) tried as hard as we could to keep our families together. We tried, as hard as we could, to support our black men. We tried, as hard as we could, to understand that yes - they had & have it harder than we do. We tried, as hard as we could, to not only understand that they're emasculated in the media daily, but to also strengthen them and help ease their burden. And we tried, as hard as we could, not to be hurt when they turned their backs on us.
So.
I'm taking back my right to not be dehumanized or objectified. I'm taking back my right to not settle for just any man, and my right to have Standards and Expectations. I'm restoring my right to be selective about whom I date. I'm rejecting the theory that if I didn't demand equal opportunities, the black family would still be intact. I'm refusing to let the "DL" force me to look cross-eyed at every man I meet. I've worked dayum hard to create who I am as a black woman, and I will not allow pop-culture theorists turn that into some desperate-workaholic spinster, in order to explain why my community is in shambles. ENOUGH ALREADY.
It's not my gaht dayum fault.
