sagaciously is...

Yeah, I'm bringing a lot of things that men want, and some bonus things (a lil financial stability, some book-knowlege, and some very ambitious goals that I'd like to achieve) as well. So...is the problem just me? Or them? Or both.

mrRight:: I remember now - it was the "Perfect" guy. The proverbial one that got away. He was the jump off as to why I wanted to throw in the towel. See, I met this guy...and he fulfilled every requirement on the mental list of requirements I keep and use to look for in a potential mate. Not just the ones that would make a date decent, but the ones that make for a potential life partner. Smart, funny, educated, intelligent, ambitious, goal-oriented, compassionate......and he wasn't interested in me at all. Well, a lil - but not enough to get to date #2.

I wasn't so much discouraged after this, as I was focused on getting myself together in preparation for meeting Mr. Right, part deaux. Because I wasn't ready for mrRight, and if I came across another guy like him...I wanted to be ready.

andNow:: Now I am discouraged. I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. I'm bitter. I'm jaded. And I'm disgusted. Both at myself for allowing certain men to treat me badly, but also at those men for being rude, disrespectful, demanding, controlling, and just...angry. Angry at me for every thing I've accomplished..pissed about my degrees, pissed at me about my job, and just trying their damnedest to minimize me, to turn down my shine, so that they could take advantage of me. Yes, this pissed me the *F* off. I love black men, don't get me wrong. But I'm really f*cking tired of searching for reasons to like them.

I'm done. F*ck them. I've been out here like Diogenes, searching for an honest man. But F*ck it, I'm done.

*licks thumb and fingers, and puts the light out*

ETA: more random thoughts on the matter......

The most common denominator is me, of course. But other than that - these men have issues with women and control, and issues with women who are independent. It's funny, because that seems to cut across education, intellect, background, regional differences, career, etc. There are exceptions, of course - but the one thing I'm finding most common is that they feel threatened/rejected/frustrated by black women who have their shyt together, and threatened/rejected/frustrated by the overall culture in which we all dwell. I hear them complain about marriage being a form of financial bondage, or that women in general are all confused by their financial independence and won't let a man "take his proper place as the head of the household", or that black women undermine men, or are always beating black men up, or are too busy for a "real" relationship or to be supportive to his goals, or ....they're just not interested in commitment, because there are "too many single women out here to just settle down with one". I think that sums up most of the generalities.

myExpectations:: I don't expect anything up front, other than to hang out and have a good time, and get treated with respect. But in a lot of cases, I get disrespect. Completely stood up, or attacked about my schedule and finishing school, accused of cheating (? I'm not in a committed relationship, so I don't even know how that's possible?) or lying about studying, attacked for being too headstrong / independent....etc. I've even argued (heatedly discussed) whether it's feasible for a woman "like me" (black, over 40, never married, with kids) to expect to get married, given the "statistics" about the number of black men in jail, on the DL, already married, etc.

I keep meeting men with ISSUES - gigantic, Louis Vuitton footlocker baggage, and their entire goal seems to be to meet women, denigrate them, then use their exposed insecurities to manipulate them. And when I call these men on their BS - I'm a bytch who will never find someone who lives up to my expectations.

Dating just isn't fun anymore. I don't have any desire to "cross over to the other side"....So - I'm taking some time off, before my frustration becomes a healthy dislike for the object of my affection - namely the black man.

Posted by saga_30311 at 01:28 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

July 25, 2007

Knowing when to let go....

It's hard sometimes, I know - but sometimes you just have to throw in the towel...

Ok, no - this is not about me ending the blog. Although, I've been so busy lately the thought has crossed my mind. But no - this isn't necessarily about me, although it applies. It just seems like we (as people) hold on to things/lovers/friends/family/connections much longer than we should. And sometimes we (as women) hold on even longer because we're nurturers. And beyond that we (as black women) stick around even beyond reason, because when faced with all the hardships that being a black woman presents to us in this world, holding on to 'something', even when that 'something' is toxic, provides the only sense of stability in an otherwise crazy world. So we keep things waaaay past their expiration date.

and why are we friends, again?:: I had this friend, let's call her Faith. Faith and I became friends because we had a common enemy: Drama. We confided in each other, talked about said Drama, and became each other's shoulder to cry on. When Faith needed help, I had her back. I kept her secrets, and she kept mine. Seems functional, yes? No. The problem was the only thing Faith and I had in common WAS Drama. Our values were different, and so were are backgrounds, our morals - the most important parts of our character were dramatically different. Faith was Yin and I was Yang, and it balanced....for a while. But after a while, her Yin started working my nerves, and my Yang started pissing her off, and we had disagreements about silly little things - silly little things that alluded to much bigger issues. Secrets not really kept. Reciprocity. A friendship that suddenly appeared to be a lot less valuable than it actually was. We finally had a blow out fight, and I told Faith what she could do with her Yin. But really...we both knew that our friendship was tenuous at best, and the fight was unnecessary. We should've moved on long before that....

theFamilyAffair:: I am so NOT the person to subscribe to the whole "but they're family" adage, but I'll try. We should expect our families to look out for one another. We should expect our morals, values and backgrounds to be similar. We should reasonally expect to be able to get along, and when we don't, we should reasonably expect to be able to resolve our differences without violence, and without creating family rifts. But - if you steal from me and my kids, all bets are off. If you're "on that stuff" and lying to me regularly - I'll holla at you when you work that out. I'm more than willing to give my family more leverage, to do some crazy shyt, but there's always a point where you have to draw the line, and then not cross it. I have a nephew that I grew up with, that I love DEARLY, and would love to see as we speak. However, his crack problem ended his relationship with his mom, and therefore - ended his relationship with his family. We'd welcome him with open arms when he recovers, but until then....you feel me.

theGig:: or what should be more commonly referred to as theDeadEndJob. This is the job that you HATE going to everyday, the one that makes you cringe/sneer/consider violent behavior on the way in to work; and the one that makes you drink/do drugs on the way home. Even if it pays, here again - it's not worth it if it makes you miserable. I should know. Hint, hint. But *ahem* back to the subject at hand, always have an exit strategy, and if you hate it - Just Bounce. And bounce with a plan, don't just bounce to the next DeadEndJob. I have too many friends to name that let their immediacy (need for $) dictate their long-term career goals. Yes, we all need to eat in the short-term, but meanwhile - we all need to also consider the long-term when working on the exit strategy. Don't make the job that you hate your career.

Mr. Wrong:: chile, why do we give the men in our lives more leverage than ANYBODY? If a friend lies to us, we bless them out. If a family member steals, we stop speaking to them. But if our MAN doggs us out, we may curse them out, throw things at them, even put them out of the house...all with the idea in mind that at some point, we will forgive them and move on. Why? Isn't the most important relationship we need to preserve (after the one with G'd) between us and our integrity? Why would we put some guy before that?

Kick that sorry brother completely to the curb. No "let's be friends" afterwards, no entertaining sorry excuses or dealing with post-breakup drama. If you're sure the relationship is over - then let it be over and leave it at that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm the weakest link as far as this is concerned. But I'm vowing to do/be better about this.

a postscript:: Black men think that black women are ridiculously hard on them, and that their standards are too high. You should already know my feelings about this, but let me say it again - it's because we want them to do better. So yes, dump the sorry dude, and maybe he'll learn a lesson and improve. Or maybe not. But it's not worth your love, health, sanity, children's lives, your life, your heart, your soul - to fix a broken spirit. That's G'd's work.

a postscript on family:: it's hard for me to talk subjectively about family, because not only am I the black sheep, but I'm perfectly fine with it. Let's just say we're estranged (my family and me). Maybe I should talk about that one day....

Posted by saga_30311 at 01:56 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 18, 2007

The Value in Devalue

Yes, we've been on this topic before, but let me succinctly revisit it with a twist. But first a question - why do brothas so often try to devalue me?

myValue:: Here I am in a nutshell: 41 years old single mom of 2 kids. I have 2 degrees, and I'm working on a third. The MBA is rare in my community. Along with that, I'm a homeowner, with a decent job, financial stability and career potential. I'm attractive, intelligent, witty, passionate, and can write a lil sumthin' sumthin'. I can also cook, clean, sew and change a tire. I dress my behind off, have pretty good taste in music. I can carry a conversation, am comfortable in any environment, and am a sex-tigress in the bedroom. I'm a nurturer, supportive, a cheerleader/motivator and loyal to a fault.

theDeValue:: if I point our to a brother that he can't meet me as an equal (see the cut list of characteristics above), then the reaction is to get defensive. And come out swinging. I got indicted today as a matter of fact, for focusing too much on material things, because I decided I wanted to end one of my casual friendship. But here's the tale of the tape:

I don't really have to go on. What I couldn't make dude understand, is that he's not offering me a damn thing. There was so much lack there, that nothing's appealing. When I tried to explain this to the guy - I got called out as superficial, judgemental, and materialistic - like so many other black people "like me". Whatever.

No, all my material things don't hold me and keep me warm at night. No, the little cheese I have doesn't make me happy. My happiness lies elsewhere. However, I have worked hard for my job, to raise my kids, for my education, career, house, car, etc - and I'm not about to minimize that so that a brotha can feel his own shine, just so he'll step to me. I'm not diminishing myself, or lowering my standards, to empower a man. I need a man who's already empowered to step to me.

theMoral:: of this short story is: if you have to devalue me to get you & I to be at the same level, the problem isn't me. It's you.

Posted by saga_30311 at 10:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 02, 2007

the anti-devaluation rant

You know who it is...it's me, bitches!

LMAO - yes, I'm back. I want to drop a quick thank you to all those folks that emailed me, and checked on me - 'cause I really appreciate the support. I'm gonna thank y'all properly later, along with catch-up on what I've been up to, but first I've gotta get something off my formidable chest.

I've been reading a lot, to overcome some writer's block, and to find some inspiration. Normally, my hiatuses are for one of two reasons: I'm too busy to post, or I'm too overwhelmed with stuff to come up with something decent to post about. So, when the blogger's block hits, I tend to read - anything I can come across. This hiatus, I've been overwhelmed and uninspired, so I figured I'd read about some things I'm passionate about: fashion and relationships. No books...well, there was The Pocket Stylist, which does come in handy...but mostly message boards, popular articles, Blackplanet's forums, etc. I've also been swallowing a whole lot of bullshyt at work and in dating, which relates to my rant topic as well.

about this whole, black women are too _______, thing:: I know, I've probably belabored this topic, but I just don't understand this one, so I really need someone to break this down for me like I'm 5 years old, and it's the first day of school. The premise is that Black men are complaining that black women are too: independent, stanch, aggressive, bossy, demanding, self-sufficient, stubborn, argumentative, adamant, challenging, assertive, forceful, unyielding, domineering, smart-for-their-own-good, ________ (fill-in-the-blank with whatever adjective you can come up with to describe the stereotypical Sapphire black woman). And subsequently, emasculating. And so, because the black woman is just TOO, some of them (not all, by far) are turning to Becky. Or Kim Lee. Or Micaela. Or Mali. You get the idea.

The part I don't get is, when did _______ become a bad thing? I'll admit up front, that stubborn, argumentative, unyielding and domineering, ain't exactly sexy. Hows-n-ever, black women in America have historically been valued by their assertiveness, their tenacity, their aggressiveness, their self-sufficiency, their strength. When did that strength become a bad word? When the dollars showed up alongside it? No doubt imbalance is problematic in all people, regardless of color, race, religion, sexual orientation or gender. But there's an underlying assumption in this situation that if a black woman possesses any typically Sapphire traits, that the imbalance is present (based on the brother's past experiences, or whatever), and he proceeds/behaves accordingly. Whether that imbalance it truly present is kind of an aside.

You're stupid, therefore I'm smart:: Auuugh, I run into this one at work, and at school. As I told a good friend of mine who thinks I'm a Mensa candidate, smart is relative (just like speed, but ah - another post). I love that I'm semi-intelligent. Love it, so please do not get that twisted. But I'm also (as my graying hairs like to scream) old and wise enough to know, that I really don't know shyt. Really doe. In the grand scheme of knowledge, knowledge is much like the ocean, deep and endlessly expansive, evolving dynamically and sometimes overwhelming. And I'm just one lil miniscule atom of water (not even a whole drop) in that ocean. I really ain't all that friggin smart, ya dig?

But damnit, that doesn't stop my smart-ass colleagues, classmates, compatriots, coworkers, and collaborators en masse from trying to humiliate each other (and subsequently themselves) in order to make themselves appear smarter. In meetings, in one-on-one conversations, in class, in casual conversation, people love to expound on some shyt they think they know a thing or two about (bloggers too...as I'm doing rightch now). That part isn't the problem. The problem is that when these folks are challenged (or sometimes just to make themselves look smarter), they've got to enter "ChallengeLand", and pull out all the stops to mentally vanquish their perceived "opponent", to win the argument, prove their point, and subsequently prove themselves smart. Well, damn. I've been labeled "smart" for a while, so I've seen this happen for a while, but my "anti-smart-people" epiphany was in a Psych101 class, in watching a fellow student, a B+ student at that, literally murmer "under her breath", loud enough so that anyone else could hear, how "stupid" another classmate was for asking a question. Silly B+ student, isn't that why we're all there? And didn't you just make yourself a Psych101 example? (motivation: self-gratification, acceptance and validation. Now hand me my A+).

in all their ghetto-fabulous glory:: which may be a misnomer, but let's work with it for a bit. I live in the SWATS (South West Atlanta), the burbs of the SWATS (hallelujah, holla back - I LOVE John Brown), but the SWATS nevertheless. Ghetto Revival, y'all! (Ok, I'm back from my White Rapper moment). Anty-ways, regardless of me being in the burbs, I'm surrounded by my colored folks, which IMHO is as it should be. But my colored folks in my 'burbian hood, are er - semi-affluent. They got a lil sumthin', sumthin'. And some of them, look down at some of us, look down at some of them other ghetto-folks, who look down at the most fabulous of them, in all their ghetto-fabulous glory. (shouts to Hotghettomess.com for ghetto-inspiration).

But add on to all that, the NFATS (North Fulton Atliens), trying to divorce the SWATS. And Sandy Springs, Milton, Johns Creek et. al. trying to divorce Fulton County. And US Citizens trying to divorce immigrants, as well as terrorists, and racists trying to divorce anyone that's different, and it all begins to be just a bit much...

I know you're thinking: WTF does black men saying black women are emasculating have to do with N. Fulton kicking the SWATS to the curb, or smart people for that matter. Stay with me now, there is a common thread....and here it is....

devaluing me doesn't prove your value...:: ...or validate your value, or prove your worth, or (better yet) make you worthier. This is not a 0-sum game people. If I, a black woman, am aggressive as hell, and you, as a black man, state that isn't desirable, or that I'm less desirable as a result - that doesn't make you more desirable. So for the life of me, I can't figure out how me being aggressive is emasculating? How does making me more (or different) make you less? And how can I, as a US Citizen, (ultimately somewhere in my bloodline) borne of immigrants, say that Joe Immigrant is less, so therefore I deserve more, and he less? If I say you're dumb, that doesn't make me smart. If I say you're classless (or broke, or g-hetto), that doesn't make me sophisticated, rich or classy. Etc....etc...ad nauseum.

for now, the brethren:: LMAO - I had a little, er - incident with a brother lately. We went out, things were cool, I got busy, stopped returning his calls, he got a lil PO'ed, etc. Par for the course. Where things really went south, was the ending. I blew him off (he was a little indecisive and passive for me) without explanation, he left me a tart voicemail, I responded with a tart email. Which should've been the end of story - us agreeing to disagree.

But no, homeboy subsequently responded with some 8th grade BS. He literally went from age 48 to age 11 in 0.06 seconds - via an email laced with vulgarities which was really over-the-top insulting. I can take a punch, but he tried to f*ck me with no vaseline, and that just ain't happening. So I told the principle (adminstrators for the site where his email address was registered - the abuse line). What I needed him, and those brethren of his ilk to understand, is that saying we're too ___________ or less _________ doesn't make you look shiny and new, so that the next chick will line up to get at you. You're really playing yourself, and any chick worth her salt knows that, no matter what color she is.

Posted by saga_30311 at 05:44 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

November 20, 2006

the swagger paradox

Hi. My name is saga, and I'm a swagger addict.

*crowd responds in unison* Hi, saga!

I've known for a long time that I had a problem with swagger, but I worked hard to handle it on my own. I've remade myself, donning a professional image. I've made it a point to stop hanging out with my gold-diggin, thug-loving friends. I've gone out of my way to meet, date and embrace "nice-guys". But the inner ride-or-die chick is still strong within me. Even though I'm completely over the whole "thug-love" paradigm, she still whispers in my ear, softly: "Let the swagger be with you".

swagger: (Pronunciation: 'swa-g&r) Etymology: perhaps of Scandinavian origin; akin to Norwegian svagga to sway (although Norwegian swagger is definitely wrong on so many levels), or rock; akin to Middle Low German swacken to rock - intransitive verb.
1. How one presents him or her self to the world. Swagger is shown from how the person handles a situation. It can also be shown in the person's walk. An appearance of self-confidence.
2. Prideful, Arrogant walk or stride.

I've always known I loved men with swagger. I've had a thing for too many street hustlas to not acknowledge it. Anyone from Ghostface (my next baby-daddy), to Method Man, to Antoine Fuqua, to to Dame Dash (yes, I said it) to Allen Rossum. Given a choice, I'm definitely picking Russell 'Stringer' Bell over Idris Elba, Alonzo over Denzel Washington, and Kareem Akbar over Christopher Williams. But I really though I'd gotten past it. Focused on "admirable" qualities, like ambition, honesty, integrity, ability to commit, and gotten past the whole "they gotta have some street hustla in them" stage. I'd made up my mind to get past "thug-love" to try to find a reformed hustla, who could appreciate the hustla in me.

Yo, I should've known when they started running Jay-Z's HP commercials, that the swagger addiction was still very strong. See, I have never been a huge Jay-Z fan. Truth be told, I always felt like his steez was Biggie's, borrowed while Big was with us, and completely jacked when Biggie passed on. Yeah, I liked his music, but I wasn't gonna co-sign the "he's kinda cute" bandwagon on some 'ole swagger addicted shyt. Not even as homie blew up completely, clothing line, baggin' Beyonce, and the whole nine. Just no. The Joe Camel analogy is just too close to home for adoration comfort. Besides, I'm obviously way too old for old dude. But when that cufflink-with-French-cuffs wearing headless body starts talking about his investments and stock portfolio in that Brooklyn accent, I'm just done. And don't even get me started about that new song. I ain't gone just blow homie up on some ole' "he's sexy as shyt" type BS, but on any given Sunday - he could get it. For real.

Yes, I'm addicted - not to thug love, but to swagger. And I ain't even sure I want to work on it.

It was pointed out to me again recently, as I ran a comparison of two "hook-ups" that my friends are trying to put together for me. Two different friends, who know me really well, and given my qualities, personality, values, etc. - who are trying to find a "decent" guy for me. I met both guys, both are "nice", but my gut chose one distinct winner, based primarily on the swagger. Yeah, I know that's so wrong. So, I did a side by side comparison. Now, I ain't saying that I'm perfect (lawd knows, I don't know how I'd measure up in this type of comparison), but I gotta be real - my time is limited, and I ain't willing to 'waste' it on someone I know I'm not compatible with. The comparison is below. You decide.

+++++++++++++++ SWAGGER COMPARISON REMOVED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY - AND MY POTENTIAL TO CONTINUE TO DATE EITHER DUDE. BOTH HAD ISSUES, SOUTHERN GUY #1 WITH COMMITMENT AND NORTHEASTERN GUY #2 WITH FINANCES. YOU'D THINK I'D PICK THE COMMITMENT PHOBE TO WORK WITH, BUT THE DUDE WITH THE NORTHEASTERN SWAGGER WON +++++++++++++

Now, given the above tale-of-the-tape, I should put my own 'stats' up, right? Ok, I will (I ain't scared). And I ain't even putting up my own. Here are 10 things from a few friends that know me way too well.

And yes, I take both of those as compliments. To my Friends - thank you! Both lists are incredibly accurate. Honestly I'd have been way harder on myself than any of my friends, so I just have to thank God for them having my back, and indulging my (occasional) self-centered-ness. And I know that some of those things are questionably positive/negative (the blunt thing tends to get me into hot water). But yeah, that's me. So given my Line-Up, there are some qualities that damnit, I just ain't f*ckin' budging about, and the swagger thing is one of them. I got my own damn swagger, thank you very much - and my swagger knows exactly what it's attracted to.

So, you wondering what the draw is, right? What's attractive about that Northern swagger? Just like a brother wants a lady in the streets, mama in the kitchen, freak in the sheets - a woman wants a man who can be corporate in the boardroom, and blow her back out in the bedroom. But that just ain't it though. It's that rough Bronx whisper, saying sweet things in my ear. Telling me in that eternally nasal (from XX years of cold, wet winters) voice that say, "yeah, it's gonna be ok. I got you." And you know he means it. She also wants that brother that will mash shyt up if things ever get hectic, as they inevitably do. Who'll go hard after that $$$, knock some heads up for disrespecting her, or just hold her down if things get rough for her. Hustlas (at the end of the day) are leaders by nature, and that is naturally attractive.

So yeah, I'm a swagger addict. And I'm not ready to put my addiction behind me. Not Quite Yet.

Posted by saga_30311 at 02:56 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

October 05, 2006

SoulMate - film at 11

A friend of mine forwarded this movie trailer to me. Aside: I'm definitely not trying to promote the film, but I have some thoughts. Here's a basic synopsis:

Wiley’s fourth documentary, “Soulmate,” explores the personal challenges faced by African-American women experiencing prolonged singleness. The film looks at the national phenomenon, which has rendered 42.3% of all African-American women single according to recent United States Census Bureau figures, and reveals how many of these highly accomplished professional women have found both joy and purpose in their lives.

http://soulmatefilm.com/thetrailer.htm

my thoughts:: I know I easily qualify to fall into the category of women she's describing above (well, 'cept I don't attend their church, where it appears a lot of these women were assembled). And yeah, it's rough out here - and yeah - brothers need to gather.

I dunno. I'm truly torn.

Part of me feels their pain. Literally. Like the sista who says she's devastated coming home to an empty house - 'cause I've felt that too. Literally. And the sista who is 52, unmarried (and, btw - gorgeous, not that that matters, I'm jes sayin') - who talks about being single & satisfied being a process - oh how I understand that one as well.

*sighs* Hows-n-ever....the DL thang, the Gay thing, the statistical %'s quoted, etc. - all seem very sensationalized.

And let me qualify that by saying that I've looked at the numbers as well (unmarried, divorce rates, etc in US black communities) census data, not the manipulated numbers published in some media outlets (note: you can see it too, just go to census.gov, and you can create your own queries to pull out the numbers you want to see). Ok yes, black women lag white women in getting married, across age ranges. And yes, black women also lag in getting married as they get older, this is true. And yes, these numbers have been increasing over the last few years. And yes, it is a problem. But, Black women have always lagged white women in marriage rates...and this has always increased as women get older (less likely to marry, etc.)

These phrases: "record numbers"? "Dramatically increasing"? Combine that with the soundtrack, the references to the DL, and you've got yourself a topic worthy of an Essence article: "How to find satisfaction in your singleness". Less documentary, more gospel play. Alls I'm saying is, I'm taking this as more for entertainment purposes, or to pull out some positive emotional responses to being an unmarried, older black woman, etc. All that drama embedded in this - I just pray (truly pray - don't take that one lightly, because I'm sincere in this) that my sistren don't take the "dramaticized" portions of this as facts, focus on the negative - and use this as another topic to throw at our men, and continue to write our men off.

I heard someone discussing this, and (as usual) the convo turned to their being "no good men out here" and "crossing the color line". Hmph - that's exactly what old boy was referring to. Now, I can't even blame him for ranting...

Posted by saga_30311 at 11:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

October 04, 2006

Dating PSA #6 - The Declaration of InterDependence

aside about that title:: I know that's a loaded title, but I'm feeling a creative plug rightch about now, so that's the closest title I could come up with to get this subject out of my system.

Warning: there's a little piece of this post that's Rated R for mature language.

So I've been dating again. No particular person, so it's nothing serious. Just a few guys, and a few giggles, with no strings attached. And no sex - but that's a whole other post.

The theme, and the twist:: Well, there seems to be a recurring theme on all my dates of late: the "Problem with the Independent Black Woman". Ya think the brethren are trying to tell a sister something? Anywho, the summary is the same story that the media (black outlets as well as national outlets) have been saying for a while: black women are just "too" {independent/strong-willed/aggressive/smart/financially secure/educated/__________ fill in the blank with whatever else comes to mind} and they're pushing black men away. Pushing Away. More on that in a sec.

The twist is: the brothers are using this as a reason {excuse} to opt out of the race. Call it fragginackle bull if you like (which I have), but the brothers are making it a valid one, by buying into it. In other words, instead of stepping up their game - they're searching for easier/more willing targets {prey/victims/partners/_____ - again fill in the blank with your choosing}.

Scenario A - the tired guy:: I'm on the phone with one of said brethren, discussing work/school or something along those lines and how I was competing with a classmate to answer one of my professor's question. "See, that's what's wrong with y'all..." were the beginning words of a 15-minute tirade on the subject of independent black women. Wait, that's a low-estimate - for those of you familiar with Atlanta, he ranted from the Grady Curve all the way to the intersection of 85S @ 285 - about 25 miles? He ranted on everything from the Color Purple to Waiting to Exhale to Oprah to Something New. He ranted so long, I lost interest in the conversation, and used my dying cellphone as an excuse to extricate myself from the call. I haven't heard from him since.

Now, this is a college-educated, professional brother, with a couple of degrees. I'd love to say he was intimidated, but - hell, I don't know that he was. He sounded fed up. Not validating his feelings at all, but objectively - he sounded more tired than pissed off.

Scenario B - puttin' away ya dick...and ya balls:: This other guy (entrepreneur, owns several of his own businesses, etc.) is talking to me about something related to one of his businesses. He's telling me a story, and states something IT-related, some minutiae that I can't even recall now. I do, however, remember that what he said was technically incorrect. So I interrupted him to correct the minutiae, and he stops, sighs and says: "ok, I'mma need you to do something for me." What's that? "I'mma need you to put away ya dick...and ya balls." Now, being that I have a gutter sense of humor and this guy and I have traded barbs for some time now, I knew he was joking, so I fell out laughing...for two days. I literally had the giggles about that line for 48 hours.

Hows-n-ever, DP reminded me (and I love him for this, despite the sting associated with it) that that line is telling...possibly indicating a pattern of behavior, where said brethren prolly has a problem with assertive women correcting him, and that this line (funny or not) could be the tip of an iceberg - an iceberg that I don't want to run across the Titanic that is my life. 'Cause I bee's real independent/assertive rightch about now, and I prolly won't take direction well when it comes to steering that particular ship. Point well taken, noted, and acted upon, DP. Even if that is still a funny line to me.

about ma dyck...and ma balls:: Mr. Entrepreneur & I proceeded later to have a loooong conversation about that statement, which is the whole point of this post. I won't quote verbatim for you, but there were a few salient points that I think I'd like to share:

• I have them for a reason - I don't think most "independent" woman collectively just suddenly choose (or chose) to "grow" them, but they sprouted up necessarily, to let us cope in a dyck & balled environment. So really, brethren - you can stop beating us up for having them. We ain't trying to be men. We're just trying to live/work/breathe like everyone else.


• They perform vital functions - allowing me to be independent/strong-willed/aggressive/smart/financially secure/educated when required without necessarily being labelled a attitudinal bytch. Or maybe just allowing us to be assetive - we may still get labeled an AB, regardless.


• I use them most of the time - at work, at school, while driving in rush-hour traffic as other dyck & ball wearing folks of both sexes try to run me slap off the road, when negotiating car prices, or bartering for services...ok, you get the drift.


• I like being a girl - don't let the strap-on fool you. I'm not a lesbian, or have lesbian fantasies (ok, maybe I do, but again - another post - I need you to focus), I don't want to be a man, or want to emasculate men of color by "putting their business on the street". If I had a choice, I'd spend my free time sewing, painting my nails and getting my hair did, in lieu of mowing the lawn, changing my tires, and taking the garbage out. I don't want my strap ons to take the place of a man or reduce the idea of what being a man really is. And I don't think I can live without men. I like being a girl, and I like men. Period.


• I can remove the strap on - given the aligning of certain planets. If I meet a man that is seemingly worthy of taking the helm. Worthy, meaning he has proven that he can steer, has some sense of direction and has the ability to hold the wheel. If I'm made to feel comfortable in relinquishing control to him. If he shows me he has our (collective) best interests at heart. If he promises to protect & support me when things go awry, as they inevitably always do (with the understanding that I'll do the same). I could go on, but here again - it's really like all the ducks showing up in a row, which rarely happens.


• don't be skurred of ma balls - and about that Pushing Away thing, if I ask you to prove that you're worthy, and yo hot a$$ balks and runs, that probably means that you aren't worthy. It doesn't mean I told you to "get-to-stepping", so stop using that phrase "black women are pushing their men away". That's not my intent - I just need you to show me that you "got this" - and that ain't no new shyt. Black women, hell all women have been asking that of their men since men were clubbing women and dragging them back to the cave. Blind faith isn't just overrated - it's foolish (when you know that the person you're investing this faith in - a Human - is flawed). Otherwise, I'm gonna assume that you're scared of ma balls, and if that's the case - you're not the man I need to steer anyway. Listen, these are the same balls that will have yo back when you get hemmed up, so you cannot have it both ways (strong when you want, but not strong when I want).

theEpiphany:: as I'm rambling on, I came to a realization, one that I wouldn't typically admit otherwise. Yeah, I'm a strong, intelligent, educated, financially stable, aggressive black woman. But I long to be vulnerable, and to show that vulnerability to the world. Yeah, I said it: long. I'd love to be perceived as soft, instead of rigid; sensitive, instead of impervious. I'd like to skip through the friggin' daisies, and arrange flowers, cook and decorate - and all that other crap that black men who seem to be obsessed with "traditional" western gender roles imagine comes along with being a woman/wife/significant other (despite the fact that for the greater part of the time that black people have existed in this country, black woman have never really been allowed to actually be that "typical" woman because of circumstances). Bottom line is, I'd love to be supportive and let a brother take the lead role. Love to lay down my reigns. But. I. dayum. can't.

So, if I'm running on type "A" gasoline 24X7, 365 and I come home tripping with my strap-on still strapped on, just try and understand. Stop expecting me to be able to make that transition - from balled Superwoman to June Cleaver - like putting the brakes on in a Ford Focus. We can't go from 60MPH to 0MPH in 0.03 seconds. We SBW's can't just stop on a friggin' dime, and frankly - I think the SBM's out there realize this.

The same way that the brethren want that feminine support (sounds like a Playtex jockstrap), we need the brethren to exercise control in kid gloves, not the iron fist. You want me to take the strap-on off? Fine - just whisper sweetly in my ear: "baby, I'mma need you to do something...I'mma need you to put away ya dyck, and ya balls". And I'll do it. Gladly.

Posted by saga_30311 at 02:54 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

July 15, 2006

The Myth of the Angry Black Woman

don't believe the hype?:: Somehow, I missed the memo that this was a hot topic. Apparently, that memo went out to many major media outlets, and particularly the blogosphere. I googled the words "Angry Black Woman" and got back 35,700 hits. Not a lot, but definitely not a little. You can see some of the results here. Some are a little dated, but the perception/stereotype still persists.

ok, technically I got the memo, but I ignored it. Being an admitted Strong Black Woman, from a lineage of SBW's, I knew there was a connotation signifying also being an Angry Black Woman, but I chose to not take on that role. However, for many reasons (including DP's prodding me into reading some things that pissed me completely off), it seems I have to visit this subject again.

Yes, I said again. I skirted this subject a while back, but I apparently need to look at it from a different angle.

Angry Black Woman - the definition:: there are as many, as there are opinions about the subject. I guess the best I can do is try to create an accurate characterization: it's a woman, who through self-definition or circumstance deems herself to be independent and/or self-reliant, who admittedly will not tolerate any bullshyt, and who voices her opinions (according to some, whether she's qualified to, or not) about black men to anyone willing to listen. She's attitudinal, and negative, and happy to voice both at the drop of a topic. And she's got a network of sisterfriends validating her feelings, further fueling the negativity. She's bitter and fearful, and the two are a lethal combination both on a micro scale (for her potential to meet a suitable mate) and a macro scale (destroying the black family and subsequently the black community).

Alrighty then.

yeah, I qualify:: on many counts, not the least of which is my self-reliance or willingness to declare the sweeping generalization to anyone that listens an opinion which restates the obvious: black men have issues. Now, having said that, let me drop a huge caveat here: that opinion doesn't exempt anyone else (black, white, other, man, woman, other) from also having the aforementioned issues/opinions. So, I'm guessing that white women, and black men are also Angry Black Women (as well as Kathy Griffin). But those of you who read this site regularly know that I have made that statement before, so I'd be foolish to deny it.

so, what now?:: ugh, it's this: I'm running across these intellectually "strong black men" and they're finding me to be, er - too much of a "challenge". Or too "complicated". Or too "masculine". Or too "aggressive". Or not ___ enough. And no, it's not just me, it's my cohorts, my contemporaries, my sisterfriends both online and offline. We're having encounters with brothas who basically find us to be "too" much or not enough, and are moving on to easier conquests or suitable mates. Or something along those lines.

It's almost as if, this Myth was just that at the time of it's re-emergence: a myth. A re-invention of the Sapphire stereotype, retooled to "fit" into a modern context, and promoted as a viable answer to the many questions of why black women and men cannot "get along". HOWS-N-EVER, it has now seeped surreptitiously into popular consciousness, so intrinsic that those that toss out the stereotype don't even realize what the original sterotype referred to. It's easy to chalk up a woman's contrary opinions to her 'negativity" and dismiss her as one of "those" chicks, the black b*tch, a certified member of the She-Woman Man Haterz club. So now, folks just toss it out there, and it seemingly sticks.

breakin' it down, so it can forever and consistently be broke:: DP put me on to this article, by an author who apparently has written a book related to this very subject. The original incensifier (fyi - I know that's not a word, it's a joke). Now, let me break down my problem with this article, and others similar to this:

• the Esteemed Authors references - it pains me when writers just throw out the name of someone "esteemed" to legitimize their opinion. I'm guessing that Zora Neale Hurston probably would've been characterized (unfairly) as an angry black woman, had she been born into this generation.


• the proverbial breakin' me down, first - is it necessary to insult my achievements, in order for us to have a conversation? I'll give the author some credit, the statements toward the end about self-examination and the need for love have merit. But you can't insult me, then expect me to hear much of what you're saying. Not without first responding to the insult.


• critical = angry? - if I'm critical (in general) about black men, based upon my experiences with them (dating, work, family, et. al.) does that equate to negativity? If so, does that then equate to anger? Or is it in the message receiver's colored perception?


• communication stategies - yes, I know messages are to be coded so that the receiver "gets it" but I also know that culturally this is just different in our community. Anyone versed in the "deep-seated pathologies" that plague our community will know that black women are much more critical about each other, than they are about black men. We're forward/honest. And we'd rather take our criticism to its source. Essence articles aside.


• about Essence and its ilk - theres a body of intellectual women who consciously forgo Essence, because like its white counterparts (glamour, cosmo, mademoiselle) it sells sensationalism. Not underestimating the sheeplike tendencies that may pervade women's collective thoughts, but just because Essence screams repeatedly "Men Are XXX", doesn't mean that ABW's collectively go "yeah, that's true!"


• the sisterfriend social club - despite this characterization in popular media (Something New, Stella Gets Her Groove, Mad Black Woman, etc.) this doesn't happen nearly as often, or as intensely as it's been reported. Although there is such a thing as the "sorry a$$ brotha" call.


• ABW advice - tied directly to the social club, women are NOT advising one another to cross social boundaries, and date interracially, or "extra"-sexually (lesbiaism, anyone?). My best girlfriends make it a point to tell me to relax my standards, give a brother a break, and 'get some' more often than not.


• the implied rejection - this characterization is dismissive, is it any wonder that a dialogue is impossible? So black men aren't trying to hear ABW's criticism, and ABW's are allegedly either forcing them away, or turning to greener grass. Meanwhile, the stereotype persists.

more on rejection:: see, it's almost as if there's a bevy of ABW's out here, calling brothers sorry, and turning their backs on them. Refusing to deal with them, angrily sitting in front of the computer (am I telling on myself?), lashing back out, shouting with their actions, their high-paid/high-profile jobs, incomes and lifestyles:

WE DON'T NEED YOU! WE CAN DO FINE BY OURSELVES!

*giggles* That's definitely not what's happening though. What's happening is brothers are using this stereotype as an excuse to engage in unmanly, uncivil, disrespectful, infantile and non-nurturing behaviors. And sisters are becoming more accepting of them, because - newsflash - the black community is in shambles, and black men have issues. Sisters are buying into this, and helping to perpetuate the ABW myth. So they go out of their way to prove they're not an ABW, and accept brothers that are "sorry". It's an updated case of the victim being blamed, and accepting responsibility for being victimized, yes. But it's also an updated case of long-held stereotypes being perpetuated. Alls I'm saying is, be concious of what you bring to life. If you go into a situation prepared for a sister to be "negative" and she shares her experience, and that experience is negative, it's pretty easy to make the leap that she's an ABW. It's so much harder to say, "you know, your concerns are legitimate, but that's not me" - and then prove it. Which is why I disliked Diary of a Mad Black Woman (and its ilk) so much, because it was so farfetched. Most brothers, given a perceived ABW (even if she was legitimately angry) would cut tail and run in the other direction.

some real-life dating examples: I'm dating er, a few different people. Not sexing, just dating, trying to get to know them better. In the last 2 weeks:
~ a first-dater suggested that he wanted to see me naked. Right then.
~ a dater "interviewed" me, and suggested I was a challenge, but he figured I was "tameable"
~ a dater no-showed (no call, nothing)
~ a dater lied about his current state of employment

I've love to say these are exceptions, but they're not. My sisterfriends share similar stories with me. So if a sister comes at you outta pocket (as I know many women do) don't just dismiss her, but at least ponder the reasons why.

I love black men. Love them like I love my left arm, because frankly, I couldn't do much without it. And when I (and my sistren) are critical, it's because I/we still care. But fellas, for real, y'all got to do better. And when you do, only then will we become less "angry". Not that I'm admitting we are.

Posted by saga_30311 at 01:57 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 21, 2006

Dating PSA #5 - The Interview (or, What Not to Say)

So, I'm listening to WVEE this morning (pst, er - no judgement!). Frank, Wanda & Sophia were talking about the Car & Bike Show at the International Convention Center this Saturday, and a debate ensued. So I'd like to pose their question to y'all. Today's dating question was: What are the Top 3/First 3 questions women should ask men when they meet them?

What Not to Say:: So let's start out with the top questions women called in to share. There were way more than 3, but most were common:

1. Are you single?


2. Are you gay?


3. Do you go to church?


4. Have you ever been in jail?


5. Do you have a job? What do you do?


6. Do you have children? How many?


7. Are you under court-ordered child support?


8. When was the last time you had a full STD screening?


9. Do you have decent credit?


10. What are your living arrangements? Do you own your own house?

Aside:: the woman who called about #8 apparently had some "dirty potato salad" and got burned. They put her straight on the short bus for that question...

You ain't got to lie, Craig:: Let me hip you to some game: men lie. Men don't even tell little white lies. They tell big a$$ earth-shaking lies, just hoping they can get to their "goal" (whatever that may be, it ain't just p*$$y) before they get found out.

Preface: bro-in-law, forgive me for this next part. I luv ya, I really do, but the sistas need a heads up, for real.

A lil story: my bro-in-law and I took a road trip a coupla weeks ago. Right before we departed, he'd met a sista he was kinda feeling. So as I drove, him & homegirl were engaging in the initial "just-kicking-it" conversation. I tried hard not to eavesdrop, but since he turned my radio down to hear, it was hard. He's a pretty straight-forward guy, so it made for an interesting listen.

His half of the convo had so many ommissions, exaggerations and generalizations, I wanted to yell "Edit!" just so I could submit it for rewrites, to make it factual. Oh my friggin goodness. And it was little insignificant stuff, as well as major deal-breaker stuff. Like where he grew up: Buckhead. How many single black native Atlantans over 30 do you know that can actually claim that? Yeah, riiiight. Whether he got his degree, and what the degree was in. Number of children and/or baby-mamas. Yes, ommission is a lie! What he did for a living. Yes, exaggeration is also a lie. What he's looking for in a relationship. Ok, the jury may be out, but if you're only looking for some a$$ from the person asking the question, answering marriage is a lot deceitful.

Aside: homegirl was just as bad, telling him she lived in Buckhead, when she was about 1/4 mile away from Vine City. Oh and didn't know who Lisa Leslie was. Ok, back to the pernt...

So as for that list above, you can cancel out Numbers 1-10, because a brother will pass a court-ordered lie detector answering those. Without so much as breaking a sweat. But don't feel bad, I've asked those too. Recently, matter of fact. Even wrote a short javascript about it, wanna see it? - here it go. Sshhh, again - no judgement. I was still in school, did it for a class...

But if you've gotta ask:: there's gotta be a way to broach these topics, without being so, I dunnno. Obvious? Well, there were a few decent conversational questions mentioned that open the floor up for discussion:

1. Tell me about your family? What your relationship between/with your parents? Your mom?


2. What's your relationship with your ex?


3. What are your goals and/or life ambitions?


4. Tell me about your spirituality and/or values? What's important to you?

There's a lot to be said about open-ended questions, but the idea here is to open up the floor for conversation. The more a brother talks, the more you can read whether his responses, his body language and his knowledge of his subject matter, match what he's actually saying. Does his eye start twitching as he tells you how well he and his ex get along? Does he start scratching his neck when he's talking about his mom? Does he change the subject when the discussion of his life ambitions comes up? Or does he light up at the question, and disclose not only his career aspirations, but also his personal, financial and romantic aspirations, and how all these things fit together? Ok, you feel me.

Ok, um, aside: Sophia's questions involved stinky feet, moms with gold teeth, and the handling of jail-house soap. Next!

Don't ask, he'll tell?:: First, I've gotta say that I just find Frank Ski to be extra and a know-it-all. And people who are extra tend to irk me. Like this chick in my neighborhood, who happens to be a local HBCU grad (all girls school, you know which one, and this is relevant), who picked a fight with the cashier at my local Publix at 7:10 AM. A fight about not wanting to scan her ATM card, because the person next to her (who wasn't me, and whose appearance was a little unkempt) was standing too close. Calling the cashier rude, threatening to never shop there again, holding up the rest of the line, loudly complaining about how she doesn't get treated like this elsewhere. As she finally scanned her pink and leopard-print ATM card, I had to just tell her: "You are so extra! It is way too early in the morning for all that extra-ness. It's completely unnecessary." I have this thing about XXXXX-college girls, they irk me constantly. I'm working on it. Ok, I digress.

But, with all Frank's extra-ness, he made a good point. "People shouldn't ask questions. They should be friends first, and then find out all those things as they're getting to know a person. Those first few questions are about deceit - and no one who's being deceitful will answer them honestly. So they're pointless. And if it's about sex (particularly for the DL/GAY/STD/MARITAL STATUS questions) you're not supposed to be giving it up that easily anyway. Women go into dating looking for a boyfriend, which is wrong. You should go into it looking for a friend, and see what happens. Most married women will tell you, the guy they married was their friend first, and the relationship developed..." He may have something here...

No questions. And a que sera, sera attitude. Sounds easy, right? Ok, maybe for you, but for an analytical control freak such as myself, this is Mission Impossiblé

Well, that dayum dating survey never did me any good, so I'm willing to try it. Your thoughts?

Posted by saga_30311 at 10:59 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

June 01, 2006