January 03, 2009
Rate My Date!!!
Ok, so I went out with a guy for lunch a lil while ago. Interestingly enough, I came home and thought...."how did that go?" Well, my MMS family - I'll let YOU decide. Yes, I know - the only opinion that matters is mine and his, but don't you ever wonder whether your dates are typical/atypical, interesting/a snooze-fest? Well this time - you decide.
I'm going to tell this story as objectively as I possibly can, and let you - kind reader - let me know how it went. I'm curious to see if the responses will fall out along gender lines....without further ado, my date:
So, J calls me at 10:30 and asks me to meet him at Jason's Deli. Now, if you're unfamiliar, Jason's is definitely one-off from Mickey D's. I suggest a local sportsbar and he agrees to meet me at 12.
So, at 11:54 on the way there, I get a text "you're late", followed by a phone call. It's J, and he's there - and he's not feeling the location. He asks why I chose it, and I'm honest - I wanted a Smirnoff Ice with lunch. He says he doesn't drink, and doesn't go to bars...so I tell him to meet me in 3 minutes at Jason's deli.
We get there, and he's obviously nervous about the location change. "Are you okay with this...is this okay?" I smile sweetly and respond "it's fine", scanning the menuboard. No Smirnoff :-(. We ordered off the menu boards, then sat down to eat and talk.
Other highlights included:
* a discussion about how career-women approach dating, and how "career-women don't know how to act like women, dress like women and let a man be a man". He compliments me for dressing like a woman (I wore a wrap dress w/a lil cleavage, and boots).
* a discussion about who should/would wear the pants in the family (men v. women)
* a discussion about his frugality, and how he doesn't like to spend money (his words). Admittedly, he's opening biz and saving towards that effort.
* his tendency to ramble, talk for long periods and dominate the conversation (he's a litigator, so after he explained that I'll need to sometimes tap him to get him to shut up in his words, I teased him saying "it's ok - you're a litigator - it's what y'all do")
* how stakes are high for career minded professionals dating - the need to be selective about who you spend time with, etc
* how often each of us go out on dates (he's a 1-2 time/week person, me about once a week) vs. hanging out with friends (me again at once a week)
* his wanting to get to the eye doctor immediately after the date
* his plans to watch the game with his homeboy immediately after the date
* my plans to hit the bistro/club later this evening
exactly :58 minutes later, he asked "are you ready to go?" and walked me to my car.
So, I'll post my thoughts MUCH later. What do you think?
Posted by saga_30311 at 04:14 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
December 18, 2008
Dating PSA #12: Top 10 Fun, Creative Dates in Atlanta
So, I was trolling the internet trying to find something to do with a potential date, and I realized....people really aren't all that creative when it comes to dating, and guys in particular (sorry, guys) - are clueless when it comes to finding an outside-the-box date. No offense to Dave & Buster's or dinner & movie aficianados - but those activities are both on my top 5 list of boring dates, just because that's what everybody does on a date.
So, I put together my own Top 10 list. Note that my counting is horrible....it may be more than 10, or less. Let's say ten is approximate, shall we? Antywho, without further ado, and in no particular order....
- Ice skating/Fountain dipping in Centennial Olympic park:: depending on the season, the whether, the time of day, etc - Centennial Park can be one of the most romantic date destinations in Atlanta. And it's inexpensive. Skating's about $9, fountain dipping is free. They've always got events going on here, from Wind Down wWednesdays, to Fireworks. But for a great date IMHO, go when it's sorta late, the families/kiddies are in the bed, and just enjoy the lights, the scenery and the night with your special someone.
- Jazz at the High Museum:: Here again, the High always has events happening, from particpatory art classes, to High Tea. But the Friday nigh Jazz at the High is a sure winner. You can tour the museum in the evening, while sipping wine and taking in the featured musician's music - which changes with each event. Typically this is held the 3rd Friday of each month, but check their event calendar for details: High Museum of Art.
- Blues at Blind Willie's:: If the High is too Highbrow, this is for you. Yes, I said it. Blues at Blind Willie's. Now, before you break out some cheap whiskey and turn the blue light on - a date took me here on a Saturday night after martini's at Imax, and the crowd was more lively than rowdy, more couples than singles, and more...er....mature than otherwise. The band is tight, and given a whiskey with a beer back, you'll be singing along and dancing to the blues in no time. And honestly - wouldn't you like an excuse to put your head on his shoulder or your arm around her waist to pull her close?
- Martini's at Imax:: January 2, 2009 starts their new season, so if you're interested, you're in for a treat. Martini's at Imax features a 4 piece band playing sorta jazzy-swingy tunes, a bar, light hor d'oueurves and of couse, the Imax movies. So, you can do the Foxtrot, get a bite to eat/drink and watch a movie - all at the same venue. I guess this would fall at midbrow - somewhere between the High and Blind Willie's, so attire is definitely come-as-you-are, but bring your dancing shoes ;)
- Salsa at Havana: Need to get your sexy back? Then what could possibly be sexier than this? My first encounters with salsa were via Kaya in the 90's, but now people are returning to dance everywhere, and Salsa ATL is offering classes before their salsa night at Havana. This is held the 2nd Saturday of every month, but for more information you can head directly to the Salsa Havana Atlanta website, or just check for other events at Salsa Atlanta.
- the Georgia Aquarium:: Yeah, I know I know....kiddies. They're almost unavoidable during the day. Hows-n-ever, occasionally the Aquarium has events put together by grownups and for grownups, such as AquaVino. So keep an eye on the Aquarium's calendar for their next event.
- Paint By Numb3rs:: We came across Art on 5 one night after leaving a club (wack) and I really enjoyed their Paint By Numbers event. Here's the premise: in the Art on 5 gallery, an artist creates a huge canvas with a paint by numbers motif. For your $10 admission, you get music (hip-hop/r&b/neo-soul), ambiance (gallery) and the opportunity to help fill in the canvas. Pick a number, pick up your paint, and have at it. They also feature food vendors, a cash bar, and lots of fun people. This IMHO is hot, and I just hope people come out to support it.
- Play Date Atlanta:: My friends have been raving about this, so I'm looking for an opportunity to go. So, do you miss playing Connect Four, Twister and Scrabble. You want to be competitive alongside your date, or maybe find a new friend? Then Play Date Atlanta's your spot. It combines games, both boardgames and pool/card games with great food, great friends, great music - so you can have a great time. This is organized by the same folks as Paint By Numb3rs (creative folks, aren't they?) so I believe this is hot!
- Dinner, the Remix:: Ok, let's say you just GOTTA do dinner (and maybe a movie) but you want an off the beaten-path dining spot? How about the Imperial Fez for Morrocan food (extra spicey!), fire-breathing and belly dancing? Or Latin Black & White night at Amore Restaurant? Maybe dinner theater at Agatha's? Or dinner in the theater at Fork & Screen in Buckhead. There are plenty of venues that add an entertainment bonus that are more fun than dinner at Applebee's...
- Finally, Wine/Drinks and...:: I have some favorite sipping spots, and their favorites not just because the food/wine is good, but because they usually have some sort of entertainment - typically music or political action/intellectual discourse/spoken word events. So, the short list includes: Vino Libro, Apache Cafe, P'Cheen's, et. al.
- circling the want ad:: seeing that certain someone that catches your eye
- contacting the hiring manager:: exchanging contact information
- Pre-interview screening:: initial conversations
- 1st interview:: 1st date
- 2nd interview:: 2nd date
- Panel interview:: meeting the friends
- Meeting the management team:: meeting the family
- 90-day probation ends:: having "the" convo about where the relationship is heading
- getting tenure:: closing the deal <<<here's where the Target registration should begin
- my high standards - is it unrealistic for my educated (multi-degreed), ambitious, intelligent, beautiful behind to demand my equal?
- my weight/health - I need to work out, eat better and lose weight. To the tune of 100 lbs.
- my schedule - what brother's going to fight my unending list of roles for my attention?
- my insecurities - I fluctuate between complete diva and candidate for "Can't get a date" which seems a little schizo
- I'm intelligent, and savvy (street smart)
- I'm honest and open-minded
- I'm supportive - I have all my friend's backs (even though that list right now is pretty short)
- I'm sexy and sensual, and know the difference
- I'm content and very balanced...I like to live my life stress-lite.
- I'm beautiful
- I'm humble
Yeah, I'm bringing a lot of things that men want, and some bonus things (a lil financial stability, some book-knowlege, and some very ambitious goals that I'd like to achieve) as well. So...is the problem just me? Or them? Or both.
mrRight:: I remember now - it was the "Perfect" guy. The proverbial one that got away. He was the jump off as to why I wanted to throw in the towel. See, I met this guy...and he fulfilled every requirement on the mental list of requirements I keep and use to look for in a potential mate. Not just the ones that would make a date decent, but the ones that make for a potential life partner. Smart, funny, educated, intelligent, ambitious, goal-oriented, compassionate......and he wasn't interested in me at all. Well, a lil - but not enough to get to date #2.
I wasn't so much discouraged after this, as I was focused on getting myself together in preparation for meeting Mr. Right, part deaux. Because I wasn't ready for mrRight, and if I came across another guy like him...I wanted to be ready.
andNow:: Now I am discouraged. I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. I'm bitter. I'm jaded. And I'm disgusted. Both at myself for allowing certain men to treat me badly, but also at those men for being rude, disrespectful, demanding, controlling, and just...angry. Angry at me for every thing I've accomplished..pissed about my degrees, pissed at me about my job, and just trying their damnedest to minimize me, to turn down my shine, so that they could take advantage of me. Yes, this pissed me the *F* off. I love black men, don't get me wrong. But I'm really f*cking tired of searching for reasons to like them.
I'm done. F*ck them. I've been out here like Diogenes, searching for an honest man. But F*ck it, I'm done.
*licks thumb and fingers, and puts the light out*
ETA: more random thoughts on the matter......
The most common denominator is me, of course. But other than that - these men have issues with women and control, and issues with women who are independent. It's funny, because that seems to cut across education, intellect, background, regional differences, career, etc. There are exceptions, of course - but the one thing I'm finding most common is that they feel threatened/rejected/frustrated by black women who have their shyt together, and threatened/rejected/frustrated by the overall culture in which we all dwell. I hear them complain about marriage being a form of financial bondage, or that women in general are all confused by their financial independence and won't let a man "take his proper place as the head of the household", or that black women undermine men, or are always beating black men up, or are too busy for a "real" relationship or to be supportive to his goals, or ....they're just not interested in commitment, because there are "too many single women out here to just settle down with one". I think that sums up most of the generalities.
myExpectations:: I don't expect anything up front, other than to hang out and have a good time, and get treated with respect. But in a lot of cases, I get disrespect. Completely stood up, or attacked about my schedule and finishing school, accused of cheating (? I'm not in a committed relationship, so I don't even know how that's possible?) or lying about studying, attacked for being too headstrong / independent....etc. I've even argued (heatedly discussed) whether it's feasible for a woman "like me" (black, over 40, never married, with kids) to expect to get married, given the "statistics" about the number of black men in jail, on the DL, already married, etc.
I keep meeting men with ISSUES - gigantic, Louis Vuitton footlocker baggage, and their entire goal seems to be to meet women, denigrate them, then use their exposed insecurities to manipulate them. And when I call these men on their BS - I'm a bytch who will never find someone who lives up to my expectations.
Dating just isn't fun anymore. I don't have any desire to "cross over to the other side"....So - I'm taking some time off, before my frustration becomes a healthy dislike for the object of my affection - namely the black man.
Posted by saga_30311 at 01:28 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
July 25, 2007
Knowing when to let go....
It's hard sometimes, I know - but sometimes you just have to throw in the towel...
Ok, no - this is not about me ending the blog. Although, I've been so busy lately the thought has crossed my mind. But no - this isn't necessarily about me, although it applies. It just seems like we (as people) hold on to things/lovers/friends/family/connections much longer than we should. And sometimes we (as women) hold on even longer because we're nurturers. And beyond that we (as black women) stick around even beyond reason, because when faced with all the hardships that being a black woman presents to us in this world, holding on to 'something', even when that 'something' is toxic, provides the only sense of stability in an otherwise crazy world. So we keep things waaaay past their expiration date.
and why are we friends, again?:: I had this friend, let's call her Faith. Faith and I became friends because we had a common enemy: Drama. We confided in each other, talked about said Drama, and became each other's shoulder to cry on. When Faith needed help, I had her back. I kept her secrets, and she kept mine. Seems functional, yes? No. The problem was the only thing Faith and I had in common WAS Drama. Our values were different, and so were are backgrounds, our morals - the most important parts of our character were dramatically different. Faith was Yin and I was Yang, and it balanced....for a while. But after a while, her Yin started working my nerves, and my Yang started pissing her off, and we had disagreements about silly little things - silly little things that alluded to much bigger issues. Secrets not really kept. Reciprocity. A friendship that suddenly appeared to be a lot less valuable than it actually was. We finally had a blow out fight, and I told Faith what she could do with her Yin. But really...we both knew that our friendship was tenuous at best, and the fight was unnecessary. We should've moved on long before that....
theFamilyAffair:: I am so NOT the person to subscribe to the whole "but they're family" adage, but I'll try. We should expect our families to look out for one another. We should expect our morals, values and backgrounds to be similar. We should reasonally expect to be able to get along, and when we don't, we should reasonably expect to be able to resolve our differences without violence, and without creating family rifts. But - if you steal from me and my kids, all bets are off. If you're "on that stuff" and lying to me regularly - I'll holla at you when you work that out. I'm more than willing to give my family more leverage, to do some crazy shyt, but there's always a point where you have to draw the line, and then not cross it. I have a nephew that I grew up with, that I love DEARLY, and would love to see as we speak. However, his crack problem ended his relationship with his mom, and therefore - ended his relationship with his family. We'd welcome him with open arms when he recovers, but until then....you feel me.
theGig:: or what should be more commonly referred to as theDeadEndJob. This is the job that you HATE going to everyday, the one that makes you cringe/sneer/consider violent behavior on the way in to work; and the one that makes you drink/do drugs on the way home. Even if it pays, here again - it's not worth it if it makes you miserable. I should know. Hint, hint. But *ahem* back to the subject at hand, always have an exit strategy, and if you hate it - Just Bounce. And bounce with a plan, don't just bounce to the next DeadEndJob. I have too many friends to name that let their immediacy (need for $) dictate their long-term career goals. Yes, we all need to eat in the short-term, but meanwhile - we all need to also consider the long-term when working on the exit strategy. Don't make the job that you hate your career.
Mr. Wrong:: chile, why do we give the men in our lives more leverage than ANYBODY? If a friend lies to us, we bless them out. If a family member steals, we stop speaking to them. But if our MAN doggs us out, we may curse them out, throw things at them, even put them out of the house...all with the idea in mind that at some point, we will forgive them and move on. Why? Isn't the most important relationship we need to preserve (after the one with G'd) between us and our integrity? Why would we put some guy before that?
Kick that sorry brother completely to the curb. No "let's be friends" afterwards, no entertaining sorry excuses or dealing with post-breakup drama. If you're sure the relationship is over - then let it be over and leave it at that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm the weakest link as far as this is concerned. But I'm vowing to do/be better about this.
a postscript:: Black men think that black women are ridiculously hard on them, and that their standards are too high. You should already know my feelings about this, but let me say it again - it's because we want them to do better. So yes, dump the sorry dude, and maybe he'll learn a lesson and improve. Or maybe not. But it's not worth your love, health, sanity, children's lives, your life, your heart, your soul - to fix a broken spirit. That's G'd's work.
a postscript on family:: it's hard for me to talk subjectively about family, because not only am I the black sheep, but I'm perfectly fine with it. Let's just say we're estranged (my family and me). Maybe I should talk about that one day....
Posted by saga_30311 at 01:56 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
June 18, 2007
The Value in Devalue
Yes, we've been on this topic before, but let me succinctly revisit it with a twist. But first a question - why do brothas so often try to devalue me?
myValue:: Here I am in a nutshell: 41 years old single mom of 2 kids. I have 2 degrees, and I'm working on a third. The MBA is rare in my community. Along with that, I'm a homeowner, with a decent job, financial stability and career potential. I'm attractive, intelligent, witty, passionate, and can write a lil sumthin' sumthin'. I can also cook, clean, sew and change a tire. I dress my behind off, have pretty good taste in music. I can carry a conversation, am comfortable in any environment, and am a sex-tigress in the bedroom. I'm a nurturer, supportive, a cheerleader/motivator and loyal to a fault.
theDeValue:: if I point our to a brother that he can't meet me as an equal (see the cut list of characteristics above), then the reaction is to get defensive. And come out swinging. I got indicted today as a matter of fact, for focusing too much on material things, because I decided I wanted to end one of my casual friendship. But here's the tale of the tape:
Me: Dude:
Employed Unemployed
Own Home Apartment - losing within 30 days
Avoiding jail 2 incarcerations within the last 30 days
Own car Trying to get unlimited Breeze card
2 ¾ degrees GED I don't really have to go on. What I couldn't make dude understand, is that he's not offering me a damn thing. There was so much lack there, that nothing's appealing. When I tried to explain this to the guy - I got called out as superficial, judgemental, and materialistic - like so many other black people "like me". Whatever.
No, all my material things don't hold me and keep me warm at night. No, the little cheese I have doesn't make me happy. My happiness lies elsewhere. However, I have worked hard for my job, to raise my kids, for my education, career, house, car, etc - and I'm not about to minimize that so that a brotha can feel his own shine, just so he'll step to me. I'm not diminishing myself, or lowering my standards, to empower a man. I need a man who's already empowered to step to me.
theMoral:: of this short story is: if you have to devalue me to get you & I to be at the same level, the problem isn't me. It's you.
Posted by saga_30311 at 10:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 02, 2007
the anti-devaluation rant
You know who it is...it's me, bitches!
LMAO - yes, I'm back. I want to drop a quick thank you to all those folks that emailed me, and checked on me - 'cause I really appreciate the support. I'm gonna thank y'all properly later, along with catch-up on what I've been up to, but first I've gotta get something off my formidable chest.I've been reading a lot, to overcome some writer's block, and to find some inspiration. Normally, my hiatuses are for one of two reasons: I'm too busy to post, or I'm too overwhelmed with stuff to come up with something decent to post about. So, when the blogger's block hits, I tend to read - anything I can come across. This hiatus, I've been overwhelmed and uninspired, so I figured I'd read about some things I'm passionate about: fashion and relationships. No books...well, there was The Pocket Stylist
, which does come in handy...but mostly message boards, popular articles, Blackplanet's forums, etc. I've also been swallowing a whole lot of bullshyt at work and in dating, which relates to my rant topic as well.
about this whole, black women are too _______, thing:: I know, I've probably belabored this topic, but I just don't understand this one, so I really need someone to break this down for me like I'm 5 years old, and it's the first day of school. The premise is that Black men are complaining that black women are too: independent, stanch, aggressive, bossy, demanding, self-sufficient, stubborn, argumentative, adamant, challenging, assertive, forceful, unyielding, domineering, smart-for-their-own-good, ________ (fill-in-the-blank with whatever adjective you can come up with to describe the stereotypical Sapphire black woman). And subsequently, emasculating. And so, because the black woman is just TOO, some of them (not all, by far) are turning to Becky. Or Kim Lee. Or Micaela. Or Mali. You get the idea.
The part I don't get is, when did _______ become a bad thing? I'll admit up front, that stubborn, argumentative, unyielding and domineering, ain't exactly sexy. Hows-n-ever, black women in America have historically been valued by their assertiveness, their tenacity, their aggressiveness, their self-sufficiency, their strength. When did that strength become a bad word? When the dollars showed up alongside it? No doubt imbalance is problematic in all people, regardless of color, race, religion, sexual orientation or gender. But there's an underlying assumption in this situation that if a black woman possesses any typically Sapphire traits, that the imbalance is present (based on the brother's past experiences, or whatever), and he proceeds/behaves accordingly. Whether that imbalance it truly present is kind of an aside.
You're stupid, therefore I'm smart:: Auuugh, I run into this one at work, and at school. As I told a good friend of mine who thinks I'm a Mensa candidate, smart is relative (just like speed, but ah - another post). I love that I'm semi-intelligent. Love it, so please do not get that twisted. But I'm also (as my graying hairs like to scream) old and wise enough to know, that I really don't know shyt. Really doe. In the grand scheme of knowledge, knowledge is much like the ocean, deep and endlessly expansive, evolving dynamically and sometimes overwhelming. And I'm just one lil miniscule atom of water (not even a whole drop) in that ocean. I really ain't all that friggin smart, ya dig?
But damnit, that doesn't stop my smart-ass colleagues, classmates, compatriots, coworkers, and collaborators en masse from trying to humiliate each other (and subsequently themselves) in order to make themselves appear smarter. In meetings, in one-on-one conversations, in class, in casual conversation, people love to expound on some shyt they think they know a thing or two about (bloggers too...as I'm doing rightch now). That part isn't the problem. The problem is that when these folks are challenged (or sometimes just to make themselves look smarter), they've got to enter "ChallengeLand", and pull out all the stops to mentally vanquish their perceived "opponent", to win the argument, prove their point, and subsequently prove themselves smart. Well, damn. I've been labeled "smart" for a while, so I've seen this happen for a while, but my "anti-smart-people" epiphany was in a Psych101 class, in watching a fellow student, a B+ student at that, literally murmer "under her breath", loud enough so that anyone else could hear, how "stupid" another classmate was for asking a question. Silly B+ student, isn't that why we're all there? And didn't you just make yourself a Psych101 example? (motivation: self-gratification, acceptance and validation. Now hand me my A+).
in all their ghetto-fabulous glory:: which may be a misnomer, but let's work with it for a bit. I live in the SWATS (South West Atlanta), the burbs of the SWATS (hallelujah, holla back - I LOVE John Brown), but the SWATS nevertheless. Ghetto Revival, y'all! (Ok, I'm back from my White Rapper moment). Anty-ways, regardless of me being in the burbs, I'm surrounded by my colored folks, which IMHO is as it should be. But my colored folks in my 'burbian hood, are er - semi-affluent. They got a lil sumthin', sumthin'. And some of them, look down at some of us, look down at some of them other ghetto-folks, who look down at the most fabulous of them, in all their ghetto-fabulous glory. (shouts to Hotghettomess.com for ghetto-inspiration).
But add on to all that, the NFATS (North Fulton Atliens), trying to divorce the SWATS. And Sandy Springs, Milton, Johns Creek et. al. trying to divorce Fulton County. And US Citizens trying to divorce immigrants, as well as terrorists, and racists trying to divorce anyone that's different, and it all begins to be just a bit much...
I know you're thinking: WTF does black men saying black women are emasculating have to do with N. Fulton kicking the SWATS to the curb, or smart people for that matter. Stay with me now, there is a common thread....and here it is....
devaluing me doesn't prove your value...:: ...or validate your value, or prove your worth, or (better yet) make you worthier. This is not a 0-sum game people. If I, a black woman, am aggressive as hell, and you, as a black man, state that isn't desirable, or that I'm less desirable as a result - that doesn't make you more desirable. So for the life of me, I can't figure out how me being aggressive is emasculating? How does making me more (or different) make you less? And how can I, as a US Citizen, (ultimately somewhere in my bloodline) borne of immigrants, say that Joe Immigrant is less, so therefore I deserve more, and he less? If I say you're dumb, that doesn't make me smart. If I say you're classless (or broke, or g-hetto), that doesn't make me sophisticated, rich or classy. Etc....etc...ad nauseum.for now, the brethren:: LMAO - I had a little, er - incident with a brother lately. We went out, things were cool, I got busy, stopped returning his calls, he got a lil PO'ed, etc. Par for the course. Where things really went south, was the ending. I blew him off (he was a little indecisive and passive for me) without explanation, he left me a tart voicemail, I responded with a tart email. Which should've been the end of story - us agreeing to disagree.
But no, homeboy subsequently responded with some 8th grade BS. He literally went from age 48 to age 11 in 0.06 seconds - via an email laced with vulgarities which was really over-the-top insulting. I can take a punch, but he tried to f*ck me with no vaseline, and that just ain't happening. So I told the principle (adminstrators for the site where his email address was registered - the abuse line). What I needed him, and those brethren of his ilk to understand, is that saying we're too ___________ or less _________ doesn't make you look shiny and new, so that the next chick will line up to get at you. You're really playing yourself, and any chick worth her salt knows that, no matter what color she is.
Posted by saga_30311 at 05:44 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
November 20, 2006
the swagger paradox
Hi. My name is saga, and I'm a swagger addict.
*crowd responds in unison* Hi, saga!
I've known for a long time that I had a problem with swagger, but I worked hard to handle it on my own. I've remade myself, donning a professional image. I've made it a point to stop hanging out with my gold-diggin, thug-loving friends. I've gone out of my way to meet, date and embrace "nice-guys". But the inner ride-or-die chick is still strong within me. Even though I'm completely over the whole "thug-love" paradigm, she still whispers in my ear, softly: "Let the swagger be with you".
swagger: (Pronunciation: 'swa-g&r) Etymology: perhaps of Scandinavian origin; akin to Norwegian svagga to sway (although Norwegian swagger is definitely wrong on so many levels), or rock; akin to Middle Low German swacken to rock - intransitive verb.
1. How one presents him or her self to the world. Swagger is shown from how the person handles a situation. It can also be shown in the person's walk. An appearance of self-confidence.
2. Prideful, Arrogant walk or stride.
I've always known I loved men with swagger. I've had a thing for too many street hustlas to not acknowledge it. Anyone from Ghostface (my next baby-daddy), to Method Man, to Antoine Fuqua, to to Dame Dash (yes, I said it) to Allen Rossum. Given a choice, I'm definitely picking Russell 'Stringer' Bell over Idris Elba, Alonzo over Denzel Washington, and Kareem Akbar over Christopher Williams. But I really though I'd gotten past it. Focused on "admirable" qualities, like ambition, honesty, integrity, ability to commit, and gotten past the whole "they gotta have some street hustla in them" stage. I'd made up my mind to get past "thug-love" to try to find a reformed hustla, who could appreciate the hustla in me.
Yo, I should've known when they started running Jay-Z's HP commercials, that the swagger addiction was still very strong. See, I have never been a huge Jay-Z fan. Truth be told, I always felt like his steez was Biggie's, borrowed while Big was with us, and completely jacked when Biggie passed on. Yeah, I liked his music, but I wasn't gonna co-sign the "he's kinda cute" bandwagon on some 'ole swagger addicted shyt. Not even as homie blew up completely, clothing line, baggin' Beyonce, and the whole nine. Just no. The Joe Camel analogy is just too close to home for adoration comfort. Besides, I'm obviously way too old for old dude. But when that cufflink-with-French-cuffs wearing headless body starts talking about his investments and stock portfolio in that Brooklyn accent, I'm just done. And don't even get me started about that new song. I ain't gone just blow homie up on some ole' "he's sexy as shyt" type BS, but on any given Sunday - he could get it. For real.Yes, I'm addicted - not to thug love, but to swagger. And I ain't even sure I want to work on it.
It was pointed out to me again recently, as I ran a comparison of two "hook-ups" that my friends are trying to put together for me. Two different friends, who know me really well, and given my qualities, personality, values, etc. - who are trying to find a "decent" guy for me. I met both guys, both are "nice", but my gut chose one distinct winner, based primarily on the swagger. Yeah, I know that's so wrong. So, I did a side by side comparison. Now, I ain't saying that I'm perfect (lawd knows, I don't know how I'd measure up in this type of comparison), but I gotta be real - my time is limited, and I ain't willing to 'waste' it on someone I know I'm not compatible with. The comparison is below. You decide.
+++++++++++++++ SWAGGER COMPARISON REMOVED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY - AND MY POTENTIAL TO CONTINUE TO DATE EITHER DUDE. BOTH HAD ISSUES, SOUTHERN GUY #1 WITH COMMITMENT AND NORTHEASTERN GUY #2 WITH FINANCES. YOU'D THINK I'D PICK THE COMMITMENT PHOBE TO WORK WITH, BUT THE DUDE WITH THE NORTHEASTERN SWAGGER WON +++++++++++++
Now, given the above tale-of-the-tape, I should put my own 'stats' up, right? Ok, I will (I ain't scared). And I ain't even putting up my own. Here are 10 things from a few friends that know me way too well.
*stootarded: combination of stoopid (derivative of stupid, only dumber) and retarded. **Overrated: cause her a$$ kept providing positive ones - methinks she kids about me being overrated...LMFAO.Saga's Line-Up The players: Friend #1's list Friend #2's list Pros: Witty
Stootarded*
{but fun-loving (entertaining)}
Blistfully Intelligent
Compassionate
Fashionable
Impeccable
Sophisticated
Versatile
MULTI-TALENTEDDDDDDDDDD
Glamourous
Ironic
JuicyDetermined
Boughetto
Generous
Nurturing
Ecclectic
Eccentric
Vibrant
BluntCons: Sensitive
Overrated**Insecure
WoundedAnd yes, I take both of those as compliments. To my Friends - thank you! Both lists are incredibly accurate. Honestly I'd have been way harder on myself than any of my friends, so I just have to thank God for them having my back, and indulging my (occasional) self-centered-ness. And I know that some of those things are questionably positive/negative (the blunt thing tends to get me into hot water). But yeah, that's me. So given my Line-Up, there are some qualities that damnit, I just ain't f*ckin' budging about, and the swagger thing is one of them. I got my own damn swagger, thank you very much - and my swagger knows exactly what it's attracted to.
So, you wondering what the draw is, right? What's attractive about that Northern swagger? Just like a brother wants a lady in the streets, mama in the kitchen, freak in the sheets - a woman wants a man who can be corporate in the boardroom, and blow her back out in the bedroom. But that just ain't it though. It's that rough Bronx whisper, saying sweet things in my ear. Telling me in that eternally nasal (from XX years of cold, wet winters) voice that say, "yeah, it's gonna be ok. I got you." And you know he means it. She also wants that brother that will mash shyt up if things ever get hectic, as they inevitably do. Who'll go hard after that $$$, knock some heads up for disrespecting her, or just hold her down if things get rough for her. Hustlas (at the end of the day) are leaders by nature, and that is naturally attractive. So yeah, I'm a swagger addict. And I'm not ready to put my addiction behind me. Not Quite Yet.
Posted by saga_30311 at 02:56 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack
October 05, 2006
SoulMate - film at 11
A friend of mine forwarded this movie trailer to me. Aside: I'm definitely not trying to promote the film, but I have some thoughts. Here's a basic synopsis:
Wiley’s fourth documentary, “Soulmate,” explores the personal challenges faced by African-American women experiencing prolonged singleness. The film looks at the national phenomenon, which has rendered 42.3% of all African-American women single according to recent United States Census Bureau figures, and reveals how many of these highly accomplished professional women have found both joy and purpose in their lives.
http://soulmatefilm.com/thetrailer.htmmy thoughts:: I know I easily qualify to fall into the category of women she's describing above (well, 'cept I don't attend their church, where it appears a lot of these women were assembled). And yeah, it's rough out here - and yeah - brothers need to gather.
I dunno. I'm truly torn.
Part of me feels their pain. Literally. Like the sista who says she's devastated coming home to an empty house - 'cause I've felt that too. Literally. And the sista who is 52, unmarried (and, btw - gorgeous, not that that matters, I'm jes sayin') - who talks about being single & satisfied being a process - oh how I understand that one as well.
*sighs* Hows-n-ever....the DL thang, the Gay thing, the statistical %'s quoted, etc. - all seem very sensationalized.
And let me qualify that by saying that I've looked at the numbers as well (unmarried, divorce rates, etc in US black communities) census data, not the manipulated numbers published in some media outlets (note: you can see it too, just go to census.gov, and you can create your own queries to pull out the numbers you want to see). Ok yes, black women lag white women in getting married, across age ranges. And yes, black women also lag in getting married as they get older, this is true. And yes, these numbers have been increasing over the last few years. And yes, it is a problem. But, Black women have always lagged white women in marriage rates...and this has always increased as women get older (less likely to marry, etc.)
These phrases: "record numbers"? "Dramatically increasing"? Combine that with the soundtrack, the references to the DL, and you've got yourself a topic worthy of an Essence article: "How to find satisfaction in your singleness". Less documentary, more gospel play. Alls I'm saying is, I'm taking this as more for entertainment purposes, or to pull out some positive emotional responses to being an unmarried, older black woman, etc. All that drama embedded in this - I just pray (truly pray - don't take that one lightly, because I'm sincere in this) that my sistren don't take the "dramaticized" portions of this as facts, focus on the negative - and use this as another topic to throw at our men, and continue to write our men off.
I heard someone discussing this, and (as usual) the convo turned to their being "no good men out here" and "crossing the color line". Hmph - that's exactly what old boy was referring to. Now, I can't even blame him for ranting...
Posted by saga_30311 at 11:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
October 04, 2006
Dating PSA #6 - The Declaration of InterDependence
aside about that title:: I know that's a loaded title, but I'm feeling a creative plug rightch about now, so that's the closest title I could come up with to get this subject out of my system. Warning: there's a little piece of this post that's Rated R for mature language.
So I've been dating again. No particular person, so it's nothing serious. Just a few guys, and a few giggles, with no strings attached. And no sex - but that's a whole other post.
The theme, and the twist:: Well, there seems to be a recurring theme on all my dates of late: the "Problem with the Independent Black Woman". Ya think the brethren are trying to tell a sister something? Anywho, the summary is the same story that the media (black outlets as well as national outlets) have been saying for a while: black women are just "too" {independent/strong-willed/aggressive/smart/financially secure/educated/__________ fill in the blank with whatever else comes to mind} and they're pushing black men away. Pushing Away. More on that in a sec.
The twist is: the brothers are using this as a reason {excuse} to opt out of the race. Call it fragginackle bull if you like (which I have), but the brothers are making it a valid one, by buying into it. In other words, instead of stepping up their game - they're searching for easier/more willing targets {prey/victims/partners/_____ - again fill in the blank with your choosing}.
Scenario A - the tired guy:: I'm on the phone with one of said brethren, discussing work/school or something along those lines and how I was competing with a classmate to answer one of my professor's question. "See, that's what's wrong with y'all..." were the beginning words of a 15-minute tirade on the subject of independent black women. Wait, that's a low-estimate - for those of you familiar with Atlanta, he ranted from the Grady Curve all the way to the intersection of 85S @ 285 - about 25 miles? He ranted on everything from the Color Purple to Waiting to Exhale to Oprah to Something New. He ranted so long, I lost interest in the conversation, and used my dying cellphone as an excuse to extricate myself from the call. I haven't heard from him since.
Now, this is a college-educated, professional brother, with a couple of degrees. I'd love to say he was intimidated, but - hell, I don't know that he was. He sounded fed up. Not validating his feelings at all, but objectively - he sounded more tired than pissed off.
Scenario B - puttin' away ya dick...and ya balls:: This other guy (entrepreneur, owns several of his own businesses, etc.) is talking to me about something related to one of his businesses. He's telling me a story, and states something IT-related, some minutiae that I can't even recall now. I do, however, remember that what he said was technically incorrect. So I interrupted him to correct the minutiae, and he stops, sighs and says: "ok, I'mma need you to do something for me." What's that? "I'mma need you to put away ya dick...and ya balls." Now, being that I have a gutter sense of humor and this guy and I have traded barbs for some time now, I knew he was joking, so I fell out laughing...for two days. I literally had the giggles about that line for 48 hours.
Hows-n-ever, DP reminded me (and I love him for this, despite the sting associated with it) that that line is telling...possibly indicating a pattern of behavior, where said brethren prolly has a problem with assertive women correcting him, and that this line (funny or not) could be the tip of an iceberg - an iceberg that I don't want to run across the Titanic that is my life. 'Cause I bee's real independent/assertive rightch about now, and I prolly won't take direction well when it comes to steering that particular ship. Point well taken, noted, and acted upon, DP. Even if that is still a funny line to me.
about ma dyck...and ma balls:: Mr. Entrepreneur & I proceeded later to have a loooong conversation about that statement, which is the whole point of this post. I won't quote verbatim for you, but there were a few salient points that I think I'd like to share:- I have them for a reason - I don't think most "independent" woman collectively just suddenly choose (or chose) to "grow" them, but they sprouted up necessarily, to let us cope in a dyck & balled environment. So really, brethren - you can stop beating us up for having them. We ain't trying to be men. We're just trying to live/work/breathe like everyone else.
- They perform vital functions - allowing me to be independent/strong-willed/aggressive/smart/financially secure/educated when required without necessarily being labelled a attitudinal bytch. Or maybe just allowing us to be assetive - we may still get labeled an AB, regardless.
- I use them most of the time - at work, at school, while driving in rush-hour traffic as other dyck & ball wearing folks of both sexes try to run me slap off the road, when negotiating car prices, or bartering for services...ok, you get the drift.
- I like being a girl - don't let the strap-on fool you. I'm not a lesbian, or have lesbian fantasies (ok, maybe I do, but again - another post - I need you to focus), I don't want to be a man, or want to emasculate men of color by "putting their business on the street". If I had a choice, I'd spend my free time sewing, painting my nails and getting my hair did, in lieu of mowing the lawn, changing my tires, and taking the garbage out. I don't want my strap ons to take the place of a man or reduce the idea of what being a man really is. And I don't think I can live without men. I like being a girl, and I like men. Period.
- I can remove the strap on - given the aligning of certain planets. If I meet a man that is seemingly worthy of taking the helm. Worthy, meaning he has proven that he can steer, has some sense of direction and has the ability to hold the wheel. If I'm made to feel comfortable in relinquishing control to him. If he shows me he has our (collective) best interests at heart. If he promises to protect & support me when things go awry, as they inevitably always do (with the understanding that I'll do the same). I could go on, but here again - it's really like all the ducks showing up in a row, which rarely happens.
- don't be skurred of ma balls - and about that Pushing Away thing, if I ask you to prove that you're worthy, and yo hot a$$ balks and runs, that probably means that you aren't worthy. It doesn't mean I told you to "get-to-stepping", so stop using that phrase "black women are pushing their men away". That's not my intent - I just need you to show me that you "got this" - and that ain't no new shyt. Black women, hell all women have been asking that of their men since men were clubbing women and dragging them back to the cave. Blind faith isn't just overrated - it's foolish (when you know that the person you're investing this faith in - a Human - is flawed). Otherwise, I'm gonna assume that you're scared of ma balls, and if that's the case - you're not the man I need to steer anyway. Listen, these are the same balls that will have yo back when you get hemmed up, so you cannot have it both ways (strong when you want, but not strong when I want).
theEpiphany:: as I'm rambling on, I came to a realization, one that I wouldn't typically admit otherwise. Yeah, I'm a strong, intelligent, educated, financially stable, aggressive black woman. But I long to be vulnerable, and to show that vulnerability to the world. Yeah, I said it: long. I'd love to be perceived as soft, instead of rigid; sensitive, instead of impervious. I'd like to skip through the friggin' daisies, and arrange flowers, cook and decorate - and all that other crap that black men who seem to be obsessed with "traditional" western gender roles imagine comes along with being a woman/wife/significant other (despite the fact that for the greater part of the time that black people have existed in this country, black woman have never really been allowed to actually be that "typical" woman because of circumstances). Bottom line is, I'd love to be supportive and let a brother take the lead role. Love to lay down my reigns. But. I. dayum. can't.
So, if I'm running on type "A" gasoline 24X7, 365 and I come home tripping with my strap-on still strapped on, just try and understand. Stop expecting me to be able to make that transition - from balled Superwoman to June Cleaver - like putting the brakes on in a Ford Focus. We can't go from 60MPH to 0MPH in 0.03 seconds. We SBW's can't just stop on a friggin' dime, and frankly - I think the SBM's out there realize this.
The same way that the brethren want that feminine support (sounds like a Playtex jockstrap), we need the brethren to exercise control in kid gloves, not the iron fist. You want me to take the strap-on off? Fine - just whisper sweetly in my ear: "baby, I'mma need you to do something...I'mma need you to put away ya dyck, and ya balls". And I'll do it. Gladly.
Posted by saga_30311 at 02:54 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
July 15, 2006
The Myth of the Angry Black Woman
don't believe the hype?:: Somehow, I missed the memo that this was a hot topic. Apparently, that memo went out to many major media outlets, and particularly the blogosphere. I googled the words "Angry Black Woman" and got back 35,700 hits. Not a lot, but definitely not a little. You can see some of the results here. Some are a little dated, but the perception/stereotype still persists.ok, technically I got the memo, but I ignored it. Being an admitted Strong Black Woman, from a lineage of SBW's, I knew there was a connotation signifying also being an Angry Black Woman, but I chose to not take on that role. However, for many reasons (including DP's prodding me into reading some things that pissed me completely off), it seems I have to visit this subject again.
Yes, I said again. I skirted this subject a while back, but I apparently need to look at it from a different angle.
Angry Black Woman - the definition:: there are as many, as there are opinions about the subject. I guess the best I can do is try to create an accurate characterization: it's a woman, who through self-definition or circumstance deems herself to be independent and/or self-reliant, who admittedly will not tolerate any bullshyt, and who voices her opinions (according to some, whether she's qualified to, or not) about black men to anyone willing to listen. She's attitudinal, and negative, and happy to voice both at the drop of a topic. And she's got a network of sisterfriends validating her feelings, further fueling the negativity. She's bitter and fearful, and the two are a lethal combination both on a micro scale (for her potential to meet a suitable mate) and a macro scale (destroying the black family and subsequently the black community).
Alrighty then.
yeah, I qualify:: on many counts, not the least of which is my self-reliance or willingness to declare the sweeping generalization to anyone that listens an opinion which restates the obvious: black men have issues. Now, having said that, let me drop a huge caveat here: that opinion doesn't exempt anyone else (black, white, other, man, woman, other) from also having the aforementioned issues/opinions. So, I'm guessing that white women, and black men are also Angry Black Women (as well as Kathy Griffin). But those of you who read this site regularly know that I have made that statement before, so I'd be foolish to deny it.
so, what now?:: ugh, it's this: I'm running across these intellectually "strong black men" and they're finding me to be, er - too much of a "challenge". Or too "complicated". Or too "masculine". Or too "aggressive". Or not ___ enough. And no, it's not just me, it's my cohorts, my contemporaries, my sisterfriends both online and offline. We're having encounters with brothas who basically find us to be "too" much or not enough, and are moving on to easier conquests or suitable mates. Or something along those lines.It's almost as if, this Myth was just that at the time of it's re-emergence: a myth. A re-invention of the Sapphire stereotype, retooled to "fit" into a modern context, and promoted as a viable answer to the many questions of why black women and men cannot "get along". HOWS-N-EVER, it has now seeped surreptitiously into popular consciousness, so intrinsic that those that toss out the stereotype don't even realize what the original sterotype referred to. It's easy to chalk up a woman's contrary opinions to her 'negativity" and dismiss her as one of "those" chicks, the black b*tch, a certified member of the She-Woman Man Haterz club. So now, folks just toss it out there, and it seemingly sticks.
breakin' it down, so it can forever and consistently be broke:: DP put me on to this article, by an author who apparently has written a book related to this very subject. The original incensifier (fyi - I know that's not a word, it's a joke). Now, let me break down my problem with this article, and others similar to this:
- the Esteemed Authors references - it pains me when writers just throw out the name of someone "esteemed" to legitimize their opinion. I'm guessing that Zora Neale Hurston probably would've been characterized (unfairly) as an angry black woman, had she been born into this generation.
- the proverbial breakin' me down, first - is it necessary to insult my achievements, in order for us to have a conversation? I'll give the author some credit, the statements toward the end about self-examination and the need for love have merit. But you can't insult me, then expect me to hear much of what you're saying. Not without first responding to the insult.
- critical = angry? - if I'm critical (in general) about black men, based upon my experiences with them (dating, work, family, et. al.) does that equate to negativity? If so, does that then equate to anger? Or is it in the message receiver's colored perception?
- communication stategies - yes, I know messages are to be coded so that the receiver "gets it" but I also know that culturally this is just different in our community. Anyone versed in the "deep-seated pathologies" that plague our community will know that black women are much more critical about each other, than they are about black men. We're forward/honest. And we'd rather take our criticism to its source. Essence articles aside.
- about Essence and its ilk - theres a body of intellectual women who consciously forgo Essence, because like its white counterparts (glamour, cosmo, mademoiselle) it sells sensationalism. Not underestimating the sheeplike tendencies that may pervade women's collective thoughts, but just because Essence screams repeatedly "Men Are XXX", doesn't mean that ABW's collectively go "yeah, that's true!"
- the sisterfriend social club - despite this characterization in popular media (Something New, Stella Gets Her Groove, Mad Black Woman, etc.) this doesn't happen nearly as often, or as intensely as it's been reported. Although there is such a thing as the "sorry a$$ brotha" call.
- ABW advice - tied directly to the social club, women are NOT advising one another to cross social boundaries, and date interracially, or "extra"-sexually (lesbiaism, anyone?). My best girlfriends make it a point to tell me to relax my standards, give a brother a break, and 'get some' more often than not.
- the implied rejection - this characterization is dismissive, is it any wonder that a dialogue is impossible? So black men aren't trying to hear ABW's criticism, and ABW's are allegedly either forcing them away, or turning to greener grass. Meanwhile, the stereotype persists.
more on rejection:: see, it's almost as if there's a bevy of ABW's out here, calling brothers sorry, and turning their backs on them. Refusing to deal with them, angrily sitting in front of the computer (am I telling on myself?), lashing back out, shouting with their actions, their high-paid/high-profile jobs, incomes and lifestyles:
WE DON'T NEED YOU! WE CAN DO FINE BY OURSELVES!
*giggles* That's definitely not what's happening though. What's happening is brothers are using this stereotype as an excuse to engage in unmanly, uncivil, disrespectful, infantile and non-nurturing behaviors. And sisters are becoming more accepting of them, because - newsflash - the black community is in shambles, and black men have issues. Sisters are buying into this, and helping to perpetuate the ABW myth. So they go out of their way to prove they're not an ABW, and accept brothers that are "sorry". It's an updated case of the victim being blamed, and accepting responsibility for being victimized, yes. But it's also an updated case of long-held stereotypes being perpetuated. Alls I'm saying is, be concious of what you bring to life. If you go into a situation prepared for a sister to be "negative" and she shares her experience, and that experience is negative, it's pretty easy to make the leap that she's an ABW. It's so much harder to say, "you know, your concerns are legitimate, but that's not me" - and then prove it. Which is why I disliked Diary of a Mad Black Woman (and its ilk) so much, because it was so farfetched. Most brothers, given a perceived ABW (even if she was legitimately angry) would cut tail and run in the other direction.
some real-life dating examples: I'm dating er, a few different people. Not sexing, just dating, trying to get to know them better. In the last 2 weeks:
~ a first-dater suggested that he wanted to see me naked. Right then.
~ a dater "interviewed" me, and suggested I was a challenge, but he figured I was "tameable"
~ a dater no-showed (no call, nothing)
~ a dater lied about his current state of employmentI've love to say these are exceptions, but they're not. My sisterfriends share similar stories with me. So if a sister comes at you outta pocket (as I know many women do) don't just dismiss her, but at least ponder the reasons why.
I love black men. Love them like I love my left arm, because frankly, I couldn't do much without it. And when I (and my sistren) are critical, it's because I/we still care. But fellas, for real, y'all got to do better. And when you do, only then will we become less "angry". Not that I'm admitting we are.
Posted by saga_30311 at 01:57 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
June 21, 2006
Dating PSA #5 - The Interview (or, What Not to Say)
So, I'm listening to WVEE this morning (pst, er - no judgement!). Frank, Wanda & Sophia were talking about the Car & Bike Show at the International Convention Center this Saturday, and a debate ensued. So I'd like to pose their question to y'all. Today's dating question was: What are the Top 3/First 3 questions women should ask men when they meet them?What Not to Say:: So let's start out with the top questions women called in to share. There were way more than 3, but most were common:
- Are you single?
- Are you gay?
- Do you go to church?
- Have you ever been in jail?
- Do you have a job? What do you do?
- Do you have children? How many?
- Are you under court-ordered child support?
- When was the last time you had a full STD screening?
- Do you have decent credit?
- What are your living arrangements? Do you own your own house?
Aside:: the woman who called about #8 apparently had some "dirty potato salad" and got burned. They put her straight on the short bus for that question...You ain't got to lie, Craig:: Let me hip you to some game: men lie. Men don't even tell little white lies. They tell big a$$ earth-shaking lies, just hoping they can get to their "goal" (whatever that may be, it ain't just p*$$y) before they get found out.
Preface: bro-in-law, forgive me for this next part. I luv ya, I really do, but the sistas need a heads up, for real.
A lil story: my bro-in-law and I took a road trip a coupla weeks ago. Right before we departed, he'd met a sista he was kinda feeling. So as I drove, him & homegirl were engaging in the initial "just-kicking-it" conversation. I tried hard not to eavesdrop, but since he turned my radio down to hear, it was hard. He's a pretty straight-forward guy, so it made for an interesting listen.
His half of the convo had so many ommissions, exaggerations and generalizations, I wanted to yell "Edit!" just so I could submit it for rewrites, to make it factual. Oh my friggin goodness. And it was little insignificant stuff, as well as major deal-breaker stuff. Like where he grew up: Buckhead. How many single black native Atlantans over 30 do you know that can actually claim that? Yeah, riiiight. Whether he got his degree, and what the degree was in. Number of children and/or baby-mamas. Yes, ommission is a lie! What he did for a living. Yes, exaggeration is also a lie. What he's looking for in a relationship. Ok, the jury may be out, but if you're only looking for some a$$ from the person asking the question, answering marriage is a lot deceitful.
Aside: homegirl was just as bad, telling him she lived in Buckhead, when she was about 1/4 mile away from Vine City. Oh and didn't know who Lisa Leslie was. Ok, back to the pernt...
So as for that list above, you can cancel out Numbers 1-10, because a brother will pass a court-ordered lie detector answering those. Without so much as breaking a sweat. But don't feel bad, I've asked those too. Recently, matter of fact. Even wrote a short javascript about it, wanna see it? - here it go. Sshhh, again - no judgement. I was still in school, did it for a class...
But if you've gotta ask:: there's gotta be a way to broach these topics, without being so, I dunnno. Obvious? Well, there were a few decent conversational questions mentioned that open the floor up for discussion:
- Tell me about your family? What your relationship between/with your parents? Your mom?
- What's your relationship with your ex?
- What are your goals and/or life ambitions?
- Tell me about your spirituality and/or values? What's important to you?
There's a lot to be said about open-ended questions, but the idea here is to open up the floor for conversation. The more a brother talks, the more you can read whether his responses, his body language and his knowledge of his subject matter, match what he's actually saying. Does his eye start twitching as he tells you how well he and his ex get along? Does he start scratching his neck when he's talking about his mom? Does he change the subject when the discussion of his life ambitions comes up? Or does he light up at the question, and disclose not only his career aspirations, but also his personal, financial and romantic aspirations, and how all these things fit together? Ok, you feel me.
Ok, um, aside: Sophia's questions involved stinky feet, moms with gold teeth, and the handling of jail-house soap. Next!
Don't ask, he'll tell?:: First, I've gotta say that I just find Frank Ski to be extra and a know-it-all. And people who are extra tend to irk me. Like this chick in my neighborhood, who happens to be a local HBCU grad (all girls school, you know which one, and this is relevant), who picked a fight with the cashier at my local Publix at 7:10 AM. A fight about not wanting to scan her ATM card, because the person next to her (who wasn't me, and whose appearance was a little unkempt) was standing too close. Calling the cashier rude, threatening to never shop there again, holding up the rest of the line, loudly complaining about how she doesn't get treated like this elsewhere. As she finally scanned her pink and leopard-print ATM card, I had to just tell her: "You are so extra! It is way too early in the morning for all that extra-ness. It's completely unnecessary." I have this thing about XXXXX-college girls, they irk me constantly. I'm working on it. Ok, I digress.But, with all Frank's extra-ness, he made a good point. "People shouldn't ask questions. They should be friends first, and then find out all those things as they're getting to know a person. Those first few questions are about deceit - and no one who's being deceitful will answer them honestly. So they're pointless. And if it's about sex (particularly for the DL/GAY/STD/MARITAL STATUS questions) you're not supposed to be giving it up that easily anyway. Women go into dating looking for a boyfriend, which is wrong. You should go into it looking for a friend, and see what happens. Most married women will tell you, the guy they married was their friend first, and the relationship developed..." He may have something here...
No questions. And a que sera, sera attitude. Sounds easy, right? Ok, maybe for you, but for an analytical control freak such as myself, this is Mission Impossiblé
Well, that dayum dating survey never did me any good, so I'm willing to try it. Your thoughts?
Posted by saga_30311 at 10:59 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
June 01, 2006
Dating PSA #4 - Stakes Is High
It's become interesting watching the whole dating game play out, particularly as I've gotten older. And through periods of complete abstinence, dating time-outs and objectively watching the dating goings-on around me, I keep trying to figure out how things got so damn complicated.
"Simplicity defines the fine line between eloquence and plain-ness ...": but does it also define the fine line between painful and painless? See, I'm yearning for those old days, when we were young and naive enough to believe that if we simply told someone "I like you", they'd either respond "I like you too", or "well, I don't like you". And we could all keep it moving, accordingly.
Exactly when did things get so damned hard?
According to "E":: "by the time we reach a certain age - 30's and 40's, we become magicians. We're all smoke and mirrors. All we do is work on creating illusions. We reflect exactly what we want the other person to see. We're afraid when we reveal our true selves, this person will not feel us at all. Problem is, as most of us eventually find out - time reveals all...It's the QuasiModo in all of us that we fear the most."
Yeah, there's some truth there ( a whole lotta truth for a whole lotta folks actually). People conceal so much, so habitually that it becomes hard to actual reveal, which is one of those cornerstones fundamental to building something meaningful. Or, they reveal just enough to draw the other person in, without sharing anything that's actually important to them. And they're left wondering why all their relationships are superficial.
But, I like my inner QuasiModo. So much so, that (according to my good girlfriends) I tend to show her to any brother who spends more than 2.5 seconds in my presence. I figure, if he likes me, he'll like me regardless. They figure, he needs to like me, before he meets Quasi. Hmph..
stakes is high, though:: see, my problem IMHO, isn't that I'm scared of what most guys think. My problem is that I've got a lot to lose. As one blind date told me, after our establishing we have a lot in common: "We've got a lot to lose. Nice careers, nice cars, financial stability, sanity, a drama-free llife that we worked very hard to create. We can't date just any-ole-body...". aside: there was no second date, btw. But factor in my anticipating what an equally-yoked-to-me brotha would anticipate in a woman (hm, killer body - which is always subjective, easy on the eyes - again, subjective, and with men being aesthetic creatures, my guesses are never far off), and the field gets even narrower. I'd love to entertain a decent date with the brothers I run into at the gas station, supermarket, bank, etc.
theReal:: but experience tells me I can't. Experience tells me these encounters rarely rate a second conversation. See, those wack conversations I whined about occurring in da club? Yeah, they occur outside the club, too. So, to avoid awkward pauses after I say what I do, or what I'm studying, etc...well, I stopped entertaining these chance encounters. I refuse to settle, because in practicality settling has never worked well for me. So, I chill, and expect that extraordinary brother to pierce my hard candy shell.
I'm the girl in the plastic bubble. Literally.
I'd love to just put it all out there, but the reality is that most guys I meet can't take all of it. Truth is, they want the least of me, and when I raise that bar, most bolt. And it's cool, but it's also not. I'm coming quickly on my 6 month anniversary in my new crib, and through many dates, I've only allowed one person I was dating into the new spot. He asked within 10 minutes of arrival, how much I paid for my house. I haven't invited him back. Stakes is high, y'all.
to my sistahs:: It's hard, trust me - I know. But know that you're extraordinary, so he's gotta be extraordinary. And thus a little challenging to find. Meanwhile, you really don't have to kiss (or entertain) every frog you meet in the process.
Sometimes though, I wish we could just go back to "will you go with me....?"
Posted by saga_30311 at 08:36 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
May 15, 2006
Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right-Now?
Did I ever share with y'all the real reason I went back to school at aged 33? Well, along with my overwhelming need to gather myself (life was one-hot-ghetto-mess at the time), I had an ulterior motive.I wanted a decent husband.
And since most of my married (or formerly married) friends met their hubbies in/around/right after college, I figured it was a semi-decent first step. Now, I won't say "boy, was I wrong...", but I will say that it made me incredibly analytical about what I'm looking for in a man, and what the whole nine yards really means to me...
making a list:: 3 years of celibacy gives you plenty of time for soul-searching, and analysis. (sidenote: giving up celibacy is a tricky matter, and can send you down a slippery slope, but that's another post). So, having done both, I made a checklist of the top 10 qualities that I desired in Mr. Right: honest, educated (intelligent, or both) witty, stylish, passionate, ambitious, financially stable, strong, attractive, liberated. Sound familiar, right? yeah, that pretty much sums up what most women say they're looking for. At the time, I had a few materialistic things in mind: a type of Car, a type of House, and a level of salary. Oh yeah, ya girl had a whole lotta gold-digga in her.
WIIFT: yeah you're wondering, exactly what's in it for them? Well, that was definitely the question. As a college
dropkick-out, with 2 babies and 2 different baby-daddy's, I couldn't claim a lot of those qualities. So, back to school I went, to work on a few of those. I was a gold-digga with a dream, and my theory was: "ain't no way I'd meet a lawyer, and the lawyer would actually entertain dating my broke-no_degree-apartment-living-a$$..." Needless to say, I managed to accomplish a few of those things (2 degrees, working on #3 now), and a few are still questionable (stylish? witty? depends on the day of the week, and who you're asking). But I knew, to get a "package" deal - I had to offer the "package" deal, and that I managed to do......'cept the wrapping, which I while I understand is trés importanté since men are visual creatures, I'm not done fixin' yet. With everything on my plate, it's low on my list of priorities. Digressing again...my point is, that my value-prop (and the goal) was to meet my equal. Not my soulmate, or someone to complete me, but someone who is...
equally yoked:: but what does that mean? Not being one to quote scripture (my Bible has been gathering dust in lieu of the cult-of-the-corporate-whore's required WSJ readings), I can however summarize my pastor's interpretation. It means that you share values, and common goals. It means that opposites, while attracting, don't necessarily manage to remain together. It means that your lifestyles should be similar. It means that when you imagine the rest-of-your-life with someone, and the things you want to do during the dash, that the other person, frankly fits. And fits well. Like a pair of Earnest Sewn jeans.
A funny thing happened on my way to degree #2. I took an African studies class on Male-Female relationships; and I got a decent-paying gig, that afforded me the things I'd had in mind: the type of Car, the type of house, and the level of salary. Got an A, and learned in the process, that the car & house mattered a hell of a lot less than true compatibility (and not that e.Harmony bullshyt either - even though I am a member, lol). But the thing that stood out most in the class, is that the self-analysis part - where we as individuals look at what we bring to the table, and then decide what we deserve (not desire) based on that? Yeah that - it doesn't happen a whole lot in my community. Particularly not on the female side of the equation. My gold-diggin friends (still have a couple, who remain single) notwithstanding, I overstand exactly that my preternatual single-ness is at my own hands. I should've been more analytical much earlier. We all should've. Oh yeah, I also learned that while the marriage rate in my community is declining, the divorce rate is level, and has been ever since it peaked in the 80's. But anywayz - about that guy...
Mr. Right:: I'm still trying to connect the dots in a lot of respects, but I've got a pretty vivid/vague description of what Mr. Right-for-Me is like:
yes, he is a renaissance man. And he's probably pretty complicated. He has his own circle of friends, and his own social habits. And sometimes, they will definitely (hopefully) exclude me. He has kids, and doesn't want any more. He's highly intelligent, educated (streets or academe - doesn't matter). He's well read, and knowledgeable about a whole lot of topics. He enjoys a healthy debate. He's competitive, while keeping his "Type-A-ness" at a minimum. He's confident and secure, without being arrogant. He knows the difference between Via Spiga and Montego Bay Club. He's honest to a fault, and forthright - almost to his own detriment. He's a closet "freak" - but that closet door only swings one-way. He loves the arts, music and anything considered "cultural": knows the latest plays, movies, hottest poets, etc. He has had a love affair with hip-hop, that may/may-not be over. He's masculine, without being overtly steroidal. And he's strong/secure enough, to embrace his feminine side, while not being threatened by my masculinity. Because he knows the short path to my vulnerability. He used to read comic books, still eats cereal late at night, and is comfortable telling me his deep, dark secret ______, since he trusts that since he knows that I _____, that I'll never tell.Yeah, Mr. Right is clear as fog. However, defining Mr. Right helped me to find me, so I'm okay with that foggy definition. I'm not done growing yet. And not that the list is completely blown - it's just that I can now see the forest through the sleaze. Even when a guy doesn't exactly meet the Top 10, I appreciate his beauty as an individual tree regardless. Which is probably why I have so many single, male friends...
Mr. Right-Now:: I bitch & moan a lot about this dude, too much even. To the point where I almost don't want to write about him anymore. Here's the thing though: I've gotten to the point where if I know he's missing something key (like the education, or the honesty), I put him down like an unclaimed Pit Bull on day 2.5 in the shelter. He may be right for someone, but it just ain't me. He gets kicked to the curb, or perpetual "friend status". There is no "Mr. Right Now" for me anymore.
So, it seems like I'm on an endless array of first dates. And I rarely get to date 2. Date 3 is an impossibility. The celibacy has gotten easy to maintain. I can't fathom just dealing with someone on a strictly physical level anymore. Yeah, sex has its merits, but in my quest for intimacy and "the whole nine", I've raised my standards and gotten really spoiled.
I simply want more. And as De La once said "Stakes is High...."
Posted by saga_30311 at 03:36 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
May 05, 2006
Dating PSA #3 - Where the Guys Are
So, I got to thinking about why it's so hard for "us" to connect (and why I'm a candidate for Can't Get a Date). In response to Xquizzyt1's post about where to find fine single men, I asked the fine single men I know, and we came up with a Top XX list of places to meet single black men (can't speak to any other group, and this is the demographic I chose to informally poll). Note: I started with 10, but the list is growing. Fine is, er - subjective, but I've seen plenty of cuties in these spots.
In no particular order, Top XX Places to Find Fine, Single Black Men :
- Urban Lunch Spots: anything from your local Mickey D's to Copeland's, or the Cheesecake Factory. However, you'll probably want to focus on the ones near male-dominated offices/industries. For example, I work with mostly guys, so when they/we go to lunch, they travel in packs. Your local IT office, Law Firm, Architecture firm, Army base etc.
- Sporting Events: when I was much younger, I was a bit of a basketball-player-fanatic, so I'd walk/jog around parks where there were courts. Along with going to games, or hanging out at sports bars (think Fox Grill vs. ESPN Zone) - this is a great way to strike up a conversation: "yanno, I'm really thirsty - do you have an extra bottle of water?" You don't have to drop next weeks gas bill to watch your fave team lose (go Hawks!), just to meet a guy...but it doesn't hurt! Oh yeah, and don't forget college and/or high school games either (might meet a coach, parent, alumni, etc).
- events at your local park: maybe I'm just blessed to live in Atlanta, but there are so many cheap cultural events over the summer in our parks, and guys do tend to come out k-solo: the Atlanta jazz fest in Piedmont Park, free concerts in Wolf Creek park as well as Centennial Park. Hell - don't sleep on the eating contests either ('specially if you're scarfing down wings in Buffalo). Check your local parks & recreation department for schedules.
- Church: yes, this one has been said before, many many times, and some say it's overrated. Some guys go to the church just to pick up women, and well - there will always be sinners in the spirit house. But, don't throw the babies out with the bathwater - you don't want that smooth talking brother that asks you to attend bible study as soon as you hit the door. Lay back and peep the (sorta) shy brother, who is really there for the Word - that's the brother you need to look for. Oh, and try the church singles events as well.
- Art Openings/Lectures/Spoken Words: too many to list all, but some of my local faves: Jazz at the High Museum of Art, open mic nights at Apache Cafe or , Gallery 253 and the entire set of galleries in the Castleberry Hill neighborhood. Also, there are a number of colleges that offer lectures series from acclaimed folks - just contact them directly, or look for your local Loaf.
- Men's Clothing Stores: Ok, you're thinking what I was thinking: OB-VI-OUS. Well, men don't think like that, or don't care (as long as they like you):"Act like you looking for stuff for your brother, cuz, bro-in-law...then ask for help with the sizing"Just give them some bait, and wait....
- In da club: but it really depends on where you go. It's really more in the club, since you probably aren't looking for a guy dat talks like dis. I like grown & sexy clubs (g&s) that host/sponsor g&s events, like jazz sets or local independent artists. Comedy clubs are pretty good too, but pick the performer well, and the crowd will reflect it (if I want an intellectual, I'm looking for a satirist, and not a pratfall/gag comic). I'm feeling South Beach Bistro a lot, and Harlem Bar, but still have to check out 750.
- Your neighborhood associations: aight, maybe it's just because I'm a new home owner, or because my old neighborhood was always having events, but they can point to local events in your area. The new hood is sponsoring Movie picnics on our common area lawn (no clubhouse yet), and outdoor parties. Check out my old neighborhood's HOA calendar for ideas, or check out yours.
- Exercising: I have a whole contingent of friends that hit the gym solely to meet men. That's cool and all, but what about exercising in your own hood? Walking paths/trails in the nearest park, jogging around your block. I even got an email on that myXXXXX (shudder the thought that I haven't unjoined yet) about a co-ed, weekend outdoor bootcamp. How sexy is that?
- car spa: notice I didn't say car wash? Now, there are single men at the (self-serve)car wash, but er - not the kind you'd actually wanna meet. Think Gator Purify. (note to fave: oh just shut it up, I'm an elitist, I've already admitted that). However, the car spa is a fave, since brothas like to keep the ride clean.
- PAC/Association events: ok, this isn't your mama's networking event. I get bombarded with invites for networking events, which really aren't much more than a party for a cause, and most times are about too much hype. Hows-n-ever, I got an invite to a birthday party for a local politico...an all black party at the W. Can you say FOINE?! Whew, it was testosterone heavy, and c-uute. I mentioned before my realtor's client appreciation party was similarly cute-testosterone heavy as well. I'm thinking that fine men draw fine women, which draws more fine men, so they show up to some of these things in droves. Anyway, check out your political action committee, political party events, voter registration drives, career association events (when does the society of black engineers meet again?) etc...etc.
The dumbing-down disclaimer: men, particularly decent men, like to have an opening. The opportunity to er - "help out" (refuse to say rescue on the grounds that y'all may incriminate me) a sista is the perfect opening. Not saying you have to act completely helpless, but if you're in a men's clothing store picking out a shirt for your dad (brother, uncle, etc) and need help with sizing, ask the cute guy, not the salesclerk. If you're at the car spa, and aren't sure whether the $15 r.im-job (hahahaha - I couldn't resist that pun) is worth the price, let a brotha help you out ;-)
...hey, I need to try a few of these...lol.
Posted by saga_30311 at 01:19 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
May 01, 2006
Dating PSA#2 - learning to punt
All jokes aside: Click here first - you need background music
Sometimes, you just have to know when to punt... ~ sagaWhen it comes to romantic relationships, I've been through the wringer, y'all (or at least some of y'all) know this. And I don't profess to know how to get them right. Y'all know that I'm preternaturally single.
However, I do know a lot about getting it wrong. I've got some experience with that.And I've gotten better at knowing when to throw in the relationship towel. Oh yeah, 'specially after FL (if you don't know what FL is, it's not the state, reading is fundamental, and searching is key. Go start a quest). So...this post is dedicated to knowing when to say - enuff.
Sometimes you just have to know when to punt...
S is the reason that I moved to Atlanta. We dated, off & on for years, and I was madly in love with S. S was funny, attractive, street-smart, protective, strong - everything I thought I wanted in a man. So when S moved to the Atl, I knew I had to follow him. I loved the city, no doubt; but I loved S much, much more.S was honest, to a fault, and I loved that about him. S would verbally put a foot in my a$$, to tell me how much better I was than my job, and situation. S had faith in the fact that I'd do "big things", finish my education, have a career. S knew even when I didn't, that I'd one day "blow up".
I adored him in a way that I'd never allowed myself to adore another human being, not even my kids. I revelled in everything that S was, good, bad or other. It was all love, in my eyes. I loved the way his eyelashed dusted his cheeks when he slept, and the curve of his a$$cheeks on the upstroke. I even loved the smell of his armpits (even after he'd played basketball). Yes, I know that is utterly disgusting. But that's how much I felt for this man. I loved that he was always brutally honest with me, and wanted to so much for me.
So, when he came to me and told me he wanted to end our relationship, I was blindsided. How could he, after all we'd been through together, the sacrifices I'd made, and knowing how we felt about each other? Well, S told me that he honestly knew that he wasn't good enough for me. He knew what I wanted, where my life was headed, and knew that he didn't fit into that plan. He didn't want to hold me back. He thought I deserved better, smarter, more educated.I tried to hold on to what we had...well I did hold on, for a while. Through his cheating, my cheating, plenty of arguments, a pregnancy, a death...through far too many things for me to recount. But one day, S came back to me and told me it was over. And I...
I agreed. He was right, had been right the first time, and all the things we did after that were destroying the love that we'd once shared. To keep what we had, we both had to walk away. I had to punt. Sometimes, that's all you can/should do.
And don't get it twisted. Sometimes letting someone go, or giving up a relationship you really want hurts. Man, we'd have to come up with a new word to capture that kind of pain, cause it hurts like a mother-f&*%er to find someone who you truly care about, and then figure out that you're just not right or good for each other. That's a white hot searing pain that just stays with you, like getting hit with hot grits laced with lye, but it is what it is, and it happens. The shyt hurts, but you have to deal with it eventually to make it stop hurting.
Sometimes love isn't about happily ever after...
I am a fighter by nature. I don't have to really tell you that, but it's important to note. I could give you tons of reason: my handicapped son who was a preeemie, and a very sick baby, my overcoming negative circumstances, being a single teenage mom, forging a new career after age 35, going back to school after a 15 year hiatus, and being a grown a$$ woman who despite acknowledging her OCD when it comes to loving black men, continues to love them regardless. I know a lot about putting in a good fight.
And love is worth fighting for. Hell, there's so much tragedy and negativity in the world, if two people can carve out a little happiness for themselves amidst all the obstacles that stand in the way of that - including themselves - then gaht damnit you'd better work really f*&^ing hard to hold on to that.But sometimes, love isn't just about that.
The one really good thing that came out of all the relationship drama I've experienced, is that I've learned that sometimes - love is just a lesson. We come into the world knowing how to love, and then life teaches us how not to, and sometimes God sends us someone that teaches us through both thru negativity and positivity, what love really means.
Sometimes love is being a lesson to someone else. And sometimes love is being able to receive that lesson.
Sometimes love means that if you come out of a bad relationship where you made mistakes, and jump right smack into the next relationship, you'll probably make the exact same mistakes all over again. Because you didn't learn the lesson, and until you do - God will make sure you repeat the class, until you get it. That's love ultimately - getting your potty mouth washed out with soap, until you stop cursing.
Sometimes love means being alone, figuring out who you are, and what you want. And getting yourself together before you try to love someone else. Loving yourself enough to say "damn, that relationship was some DEEP-FRIED bullshyt, and my ex is a complete a$$, but what part did I play in that? And what in myself do I need to fix to make dayum sure that I don't have to go through that again?" See, I've asked myself that question a whole lot, and then made sure that the a$$hole-drawing DNA strand in me was, if not removed, at least dampened so that the most heinous of a$$holes didn't see it.
Sometimes love is just about learning to love yourself, and appreciating yourself for who you are, without complicating matters with a relationship that you just plain are not ready for. And then sometimes love is, loving yourself enough to not settle for just any old love that walks up and knocks on your door and says "hello, is anybody home?". Love is knowing your own value, and then asking for that same value in a partner.
Most of us will experience love many times in our lives. We like to think that there's just this one soulmate for every person on earth, and if you miss your chance, love is gone for ever. I refuse to entertain that bullshyt any longer.
Love is a consistent choice, one that we all make every day. It's best to make it wisely.lowered expectations:
Now, I'm sure at least 2-3 of you are going to read this and think, this is some Stuart Smalley bullshyt if I've ever read it. Ok, yes - there is that. Hell, I've rolled my eyes many a time at some of the shyt I've written, like "da hell do you think you are, single woman? How can you give anyone relationship advice? And isn't writing a how-to post on giving oral pleasure for women (the orig subject for this post) way more entertaining than this straight-off-Dr.-Phil's-blog bullshyt?!" Realism/shmealism - get back to the marginal humor, will'ya?But right now as we speak, someone is going through it. They're catching sheer hell, for the sake of love - or what they perceive love to be.
Life is short, people. Too short to spend time/energy on drama, unnecessarily. And (I gotta say it) with all the dysfunction in the black community, with relationships & families, it's too f*cking risky to give drama life. Too many times, I see my people treating each other like absolute shyt, and then invoking the name of love to try and justify their abhorrent behavior. We're capable of so much more than this, and I for one ain't survived all that I've survived, to disgrace myself and my ancestors by settling for shyt, and calling it love.In the spirit of love, for real. Know when to say: f*ck it, it's just not worth it anymore. And learn when to move on.
Dating giggles tomorrow. Maybe. For today, learn when/how to punt.
Posted by saga_30311 at 11:53 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBack
April 27, 2006
the ABW ep - a dating PSA
This goes out to all my ABW's (angry black women), and the men who love them.
An anonymous friend told me this story, and in the WTH moment (see story below), we tried to decipher her motives...I have my opinion, but I'll save it for after.... Ladies & gents, I'm definitely looking for your thoughts as well. Mine follow.
Without further ado: the ABW episode
I met “Brandy” a week ago through a mutual friend. She works in my friend’s office building where I occasionally visit. I said “hello” and she shot back “I’m fine” and pretty much ignored me. I came back the following day, to meet my friend for lunch, and she continued to be very dry.“Good afternoon,” I smiled.
“Hi,” she fired back.
“How are you doing today?”
She sighed, “I’m tired. My feet and my head hurt. Why?”
“Just asking,” I answered. “I hope you feel better.”
“Ummm Hmmm.”
Initially, I thought she wasn’t feeling me—until the mutual friend gave her my number and she called. We talked briefly and it wasn’t a bad conversation at all. Brandy was a 25-year old receptionist/part-time college student/single mother finishing up her degree.
This woman is extremely attractive from head to toe: 5’5”, size 8-10 with caramel skin. Her body is very voluptuous and she has thick, black shoulder-length hair. She got a little “street” in her that came out in her relaxed vernacular; but hey, I could appreciate her keeping it real with me.
That weekend, she came over to my house and we talked until the sun came up. When she left at 6am, she kissed me goodbye. It was one of those soft, innocent kisses indicative of two people who share a budding attraction.
A few days later, I was driving home from out of town. Brandy called me on my cell phone and we chatted away until I reached the city limits. She told me that she was “waiting” for me outside my house and she was excited to see me. I admit, it did wonders for my male ego.
I pulled up to my house and Brandy was leaning against her car in a form-fitting butterscotch blouse and low-riding cream slacks that revealed a hint of a fuschia thong. She looked good. I got out of the car and she immediately greeted me with a kiss on the lips.
“I missed you,” she said.
“It’s good to see you too,” I replied. “C’mon, let’s go in the house. It’s hot out here!”
We walked into the house and I turned on the A/C. She helped bring my bags in before going into my bedroom and sitting on the edge of the bed. I took a quick shower while she watched television. I told her I was sore from working out and she offered to give me a back massage. I laid across the bed and she did her thing- all the while, we’re talking, laughing and joking. After about 15 minutes of massage therapy, we found ourselves making out on my bed.
“I want you,” Brandy whispering within her panting. “I want you, baby.”
It didn’t take long for that butterscotch outfit to hit the floor along with her panties and bra. We took a brief pause for me to locate a condom and put it on. Brandy and I were having mind blowing sex on top of the covers. If I were to take my most vivid fantasy of she and I intertwined in a session, it wouldn’t even come close to reality.
“Baby, I wanna ride,” she said.
“That’s cool,” I whispered. By now, I could feel the sweat running off the sides of my back.
Brandy gets on top and starts riding me like she was qualifying at the national rodeo. Her breasts were swinging against my face and the room was saturated with screams and moans. That’s when it happened.
“Oh shit!” she yelled before going into a panting, pouty voice. “Baby, please take the condom off, I wanna feel you…please just take it off so I can feel just you!”
My brain, my dick, my entire body went…”HUNH?” We were going at it a mile a minute and, in the heat of passion, you request that I remove the only thing that stood between me and child support court/visitation rights hearings? It all made sense though: good guy + good job = steady check; Brandy must have thought I came from the Booboodafool tribe. The loving was off the chain, but we’re talking about my life! Most guys would have slid off the rubber in midstroke, but what happened next was a thing of beauty.
“Listen,” I said in between rhythms. “I really like you…I mean, I’m really digging you and everything. But I’m not ready to have any more kids. You feelin’ me?”
This was my intuitive reaction and it impressed the hell out of me. It wasn’t so much that I had said it, but the fact that it was my FIRST thought/reaction.
Brandy kept on riding me and, a few moments later, she responded, “Okay…I feel you.” This is where she started bucking and gripping until she came all over me. Suddenly, as if she had just come out of a hypnotic trance, she looked down at me. Sweat was dripping from her big breasts onto my stomach. You could see the feeling of shame and embarrassment cover her face like an emotional veil.
“I can’t believe what I said to you,” she covered her mouth. “Oh my God. I am such a ho! I can’t believe I said that!”
“It’s cool, Brandy. I mean, I’m not judging you.” I assured her.
“But I can’t believe I said that! I’m disgusted with myself.” Brandy slid herself off of me and took a deep breath. “I gotta go home.”
Now, why is it AFTER she has an orgasm- she has this revelation and is ready to bounce? I kind of had to respect her gangsta in the situation…but not before she respected mine. I asked her to lay back down on the bed and pause for a minute. She obliged.
“Look, Brandy. Sometimes we say crazy shit in the heat of the moment. I can’t fault you for that.”
“But I don’t even know you to be going there!” she blurted.
“Which is why I said what I said,” I replied. “Now you know, any other brother would’ve taken that condom off with the quickness…or at least thought about it.”
“You’re right.”
“So that should at least let you know that I give a damn about you and me.” I concluded.
“But what does that say about me?” she asked.
“It says that I put it on yo’ ass!” I laughed. “And I’m not done.”
“Oh, you’re not?” she smirked.
“Hell nawl…”
We went at again for another hour or so until the comforter was just a damp, sweaty mess. I could tell that she was still feeling weird about what happened earlier, but whatever. Afterwards, she got dressed and I walked her to the car. She drove off. I walked back into my house. Only three words described the whole experience…what.the.hell…
My thoughts: note that Colonel Abrams song "I'm trapped" is playing in the background.
My gut reaction - this is a hood-rat-come-up. My friend has a decent job, makes decent money, and is the proverbial "package" - he's a good guy, with potential. This chick is trying to get a brotha caught-up, for real. My other guy friends have told me hole-in-condom stories before, so it doesn't really surprise me. Don't let a degree, career, house or car fool ya - this is an older trick, and some women must figure that that book apparently hasn't gone out of style, yet. Even PhD's have some hood-rat in them.But the more I think about it, the more I'm like "da hell is she thinking?!!!" I mean come on, this is 2006 - getting pregnant isn't the only concern here, and like my friend said when we were talking about it - that piece of a$$ wasn't worth his life, and it certainly shouldn't have been worth hers.
Sisters, sistas, sistahs - I ain't trying to be condescending, patronizing or holier-than-thou when I say we have to do better than this. But COME ON...at the minimum, why put up the whole ABW defense, like you aren't taking any BS or prisoners, to (in less than a month) be throwing the raw goodies at a relative stranger. RAW. Wait, did you hear me? I said RAW. This, my good girlfriends, is part of the problem. My friend here is nice, a virtual sweetheart and has sense. He sees her as a person, and not an object, even if she put herself out there. Some brothas wouldn't have been this nice, or entertained her again.
*SMH* dayum.
Posted by saga_30311 at 11:51 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
April 24, 2006
The Low-Hanging Fruit Theory of Dating
pre-epiphany context:: I had a date, which the jury is still out on whether it did/didn't go well. However, since I refuse to blog about the mundane, I won't share the gory details of said date until, well...until they become gory.However, a friend of mine asked me how it went, and since I couldn't answer, I wanted to capture why I couldn't tell whether it went well. And in doing that - had the epiphany. And the epiphany is my application of the Low Hanging Fruit Theory.
the theory:: ...isn't originally mine, and if you Google it, you'll find all kinds of analogies and uses, that vary from the application of the Theory to Application Development, all the way to social behavior and advance immunization methods. However I'll spare you the search, and provide (IMHO) a decent analogy (cribbed from the IT Toolbox):
The example that my teacher used was the giraffe. Giraffes came in all sizes, short and tall. The short ones competed with each other and other similar sized animals for the low hanging food. The taller giraffes could eat both the low hanging food and also the higher hanging food where there wasn't any competition. Over the course of time, the smaller giraffes died out while the taller giraffes were the only ones left to breed. My apologies in advance for any over-simplification of the Darwinian theory, they are mine and do not reflect my 9th grade teacher. But that brings me back to any concept that encourages focusing on "low hanging fruit" to gain momentum suggest that there isn't a long term thoughts around how to eat the higher hanging fruit.
The quick & dirty version: some fruit is really easy to eat, and sometimes that's the fruit you want to focus on. Conversely, since you know that fruit is easily picked, and soon to be gone, you may (at some point) want to figure out a way to get to the harder to reach fruit. And here again, chances are that low hanging fruit isn't as sweet, juicy or colorful as the higher hanging fruit, but...it's easy.
geek philosophy:: epiphany, thy name is yeOryios. Remember a WHILE back, I blogged about a certain geek I was going out with? Let's call him yeOryios. Well, yeOryios shared some insight with me about the whole "quest to find a decent guy" experience. Paraphrasing: "dogs will bark at EVERYTHING: good, bad, cute, ugly etc. So, chances are - they'll be the first thing to holla at a woman. And from a woman's perspective, there will be a whole bunch of dogs trying to talk to her. aside: like Sara's saying "it's hard to see the forest for the sleaze..." And go rent Hitch, while you're at it - but back to yeOryios: Meanwhile, the decent guy - not the player who thinks he's the shiznit, and is trying to date models, but the really decent, good guy - is chillin, waiting for her to fend those dogs off, so he can find his opening. He won't approach her while she's fending off dogs, because he doesn't want to get shooed off with the rest of the losers. Hell, chances are - he may wait for her to approach him instead, just so he doesn't get lumped in with the rest of the bunch. And in the meantime, those good guys, are alone as well.the desperate housewife theory:: Did I mention most of my closest friends are male? Well one of them, who shall remain nameless, provided me with this dating philospophy, the desperate housewife theory: "Men are aesthetic creatures, we all know this. However, some men, 'specially guys who ain't really trying to commit, want to expend the least amount of $ and energy to get the goodies. So, this really handsome kid hipped me to what he looks for in a woman. It boils down to two things: low-self-esteem, and/or fat/ugly chicks. He calls 'em 'desperate housewives', because a) they're looking to settle down and b) they don't ask for much in return, beyond some attention. Chances are - they're an easy target. That's what I look for - the desperate housewife."
jezebel said what?:: You heard there's a man-shortage, right? Oh girl - it was in: Essence, Ebony, Mademoiselle, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, jane...heck, I think they talked about the impact for working mothers in Ms.Magazine. And there was a related story in Newsweek that the bloggers picked up and ran with. Mm-hm, they talked about it this morning on Today. Matter of fact I just got an email, that included a link to Rev. Wilhelm Wilson's sermon about it, that Jill Johnson wrote about in the Washington Post. Oh yeah, I know you saw her on Opraah, it was Wednesday, just two days after D.L. King was on there. Mm-hm, yeah - I heard he's got a play about it, starring Malic Yeoba. No not that one, that one was written by Teyeler Perry, and Malic ain't in that. But I did hear they were going to talk about that one tomorrow on Micheael Baasden. Girl, you know I'm going to tune in, I can't miss a day without my Micheael Baasden.<sigh> don't email. misspellings intentional.
It's amazing that all women aren't out here, dangling at the bottom of the tree, considering. Okokokokok, I'm getting to the pernt now.
the low hanging fruit theory:: I've been selling myself short, based on the behavior of the dogs barking at the bottom of that fruit tree. And, I think a lot of women do. We settle, we work with a brother, we make lists of exactly what we want knowing full well we are so gonna concede items, as we're writing that list. And sometimes, we put up with behavior that we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy.
And we start looking at ourselves differently, allowing our view to be colored by the dogs barking a the bottom of that tree (oh, that analogy is painful, even if it's accurate). I think about S & F, and the whole Fabulous Incident, and yeah - only a sistah whose head is really f***'ed up would actually allow her escort to hit on other women in front of her, during their "non-date" date. And that would never be me, right?Wrong. In my head, I've allowed the barking dogs change my view. I don't think I'm low hanging fruit, but I think that the average brother will probably think I'm low hanging fruit. The average brother (in my subconscious) is a barking dog. The average brother (in my head) will think that because of _______ (fill in the blank: hair, size, stature, day of the week, last night's basketball game, weather), that I've got low hanging fruit potential, and will try and take a swab at me, to see if I'll fall off the tree.
The problem is that it didn't matter whether I think I'm low hanging fruit, or I think that he thinks I'm low hanging fruit, as long as I act like it, I'll get treated like it.
back to the date:: He's a nice guy. He approached me like a gentleman, we've had some interesting phone conversations, he's witty, a snappy dresser, financially stable, and good company. We had lunch, had good conversation, ended the date weel, and have chatted briefly since.
However, I pointed some negative things about myself that he probably never would've noticed had I not told him. They were minor, but still unnecessary. And at the end of the day, because he acted like a perfect gentleman, I didn't know how to react. Still don't. So, was it a good date? Yes, I had a good time. Does he actually like me? I think he did, before I inserted foot in said mouth. Will anything come of this? da hell if I know.I learned a valuable lesson from this: that I'm only a peach at the top of the tree if I put enough confidence in that to convince someone else the same thing. And if I talk to him again, I'll be sure to show him that.
aside: someone told me that I'm complex. I just hope that I'm not as hard to pick and eat as a pom.
Posted by saga_30311 at 02:27 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
April 21, 2006
Dating PSA #1 - 10 Romance Tips
True love. In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say 'l was adored once, too.' ~ Gareth, Four Weddings and a Funeral
In the spirit of my colleague's PSA - btw, thanks Fave for the inspiration - I'm officially done complaining about dating. It only sucks if you give the suckiness air (or insert some other sort of "breeding negativity" cliche here). In the interim, and while my chastity belt is still semi-intact, I'd like to offer a few tips for folks who (like myself) have been out of the game for a while, and are trying to get back in the swing. 'Specially men. 'Particularly the G & S crowd.
10 Easy Ways to Put the 'man' back in the word Romance- Creative dissonance: Dinner and a movie? Trip to Dave & Busters? Please - horrîblé! Grab your date, your local cultural newspaper, and pick the furthest thing from your "normal" dating routine. A scenic drive to pick fresh fruit, a picnic on the beach, grilling in a local park, a free concert featuring your new undiscovered artist, or all of the above can be the ticket to relax, relate, reveal...
- relax, relate, reveal: Yes, putting your best foot forward is important. But don't choke while hiding those brontosaurus bones in the back of your conversation. To gain a little, you have to share a little (note the emphasis). You don't need to reveal your penile record, but telling them about that time at band camp is endearing.
- Frugal can be fun: dates don't have to be pricey, and you don't have to look like a jerk for saving money. That beach picnic? Most grocers sell low-cost cold/hot food to go you can pack your basket with, and your local L.I.Q. will happily choose an inexpensive wine for you. Even more frugal: wine, cheese, fruit, park, free concert. Bam ~ that's that Essence of Inexpensive. Ok, dead broke? Date needs a service? Offer to hook them up (detail their car, hem their pants, redesign their website...oops, I digress). That may include a free pass to their domicile as a bonus (caution: more on that later).
- The cart before the horse: Knowing what you (ultimately) want is cool. Focusing more on this, than the experience is so not. So, you want the punani/paymaster? Yeah - you and a gazillion other folks that hit on them. Today. The word for today is subtle. Enjoy his/her company, for this is the entrée. Anything else is icing...
- Fun in a can: The cool things you did with the ex? Probably not the cool thing you want to make sure the pre-future-ex does. Don't take her to the restaurant where the maître d' knows you by name and asks you where your ex is. Do take her to a new spot, charm the waitstaff, and impress her by having the maître d' ask you when you'll be back.
- Presumptive familiarity: don't put your feet on their couch, invite them over or invite yourself over before Date #1 (see #4). Even if you're "hooking them up" (see #3). This is the dating equivalent of introducing yourself, and then saying "I'd like to bang your back out, with as little financial impact as possible. Does that work for you?" It may work, but is this the person you really want to be hanging around for more than the 3-4 minutes it takes to reach fruition? 'Specially in your crib?
- Presumptive intimacy: don't ruin a perfectly good date, by thinking that it has to/should end in physical contact. I'm guilty of this one. Used to figure if I didn't at least get a hug, the guy wasn't interested. Maybe he's interested in more than just a hug, and is being a gentleman...
- Gentlemen finish first & manners matter: the quickest way to impress a woman (even if you're trying hard to rip her panties off with your teeth) is to be nice. Pick her up (in a car, not literally - sheesh). Open her door. Pull out her chair (not from under her, even to make the waitstaff chuckle). And ladies - act like one. If he offers to pick up the tab, hold the door, pull out your chair or detail your car - it's not a threat to your independence. Graciously accept and thank him profusely.
- Honesty really is...: ok, you know the rest. Seems obvious, but I'm amazed at the energy people will expend to hide what they want. If you want to be married - say that. If you're not ready for a commitment, say that. If you're just looking to be naked, covered with honey and feathers, as an automatic camera posts pictures of you and your date on YouTube.com ...ok, you probably want to keep that under your hat for a really rainy day. Just tell her you own webcam, she'll get the hint.
- Flowers are a man's best friend: When you're passing by a flower shop on the way to meet her, by her 3 orchids, and find out what kind they are. They're less expensive and more impressive than a dozen roses - because you exerted some effort to obtain them. Wildflowers, white, yellow or pink roses, a small African violet - all $10 or less, and she's left with a sparkle in her eye. Ladies, a boutonnière, perhaps?
...ok naysayers, yes Gareth dies about 3-4 minutes after that quote, but didn't he live fabulously for those 3-4 minutes? That's all I want y'all to do. Date fabulously. Ok, now go - it's Friday night. Man/Woman-Up!
Posted by saga_30311 at 08:39 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
These are just ideas. I date, a lot (this is an unfortunate truth, although I have fun, I'm looking forward to being homeward bound with a special boo. but I digress...) so I've been inundated with the dinner & a movie/D&B proposal. But to me, dating should be about sharing parts of yourself with someone else, and vice versa. It's impossible to do that if you're always doing the same drab routine stuff with the potential partner. So...get off that beaten path. Teach your date some things about you and allow them to share things with you....it's SO much more fun....
...and then you can move on to weekends at Tybee Island, or a getaway to Puerto Rico....but that's another post...
Posted by saga_30311 at 12:48 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
November 14, 2008
dating psa# 11 - Frostbite....
Yep, this is the companion piece to dating PSA #9 - Be Cool. Go back and read it if you haven't.
Ok, y'all know I'm an MBA, right?
What you don't know is that my MBA is from a really good Business school (as part-time public B-schools go). Which means that there are some personal traits/characteristics that have to be present (and are heightened while pursuing the MBA) in that student in order to even make it into the B-school, let alone be successful.
And you're wondering what those are...?
Excellent analytical abilities, creativity and IMHO the ability and ambition to look at things from a high-level perspective - to see outside your own immediacy and take an objective view - which is in essence the ability to distance yourself from people/things...amongst other qualities....
...which makes me the ultimate in aloof and critical when it comes to relationships, n'est pas?
Yep. Cold.
So, I was comparing notes with a bachelor friend of mine who is, er, struggling with commitment (that's probably putting it mildly). He's not afraid of commitment per se, but more wondering (like me) - er - why commitment, given so many dating options? And the thing we have in common is that we're aloof. Cool, even. And maybe actually Cold - as in Arctic Tundra. Brrrrr......
I'm not gonna go over why commitment is good again - I talked about the benefits of marriage a while ago. Let's talk about being TOO cool....
being the dumper:: it's hard, because I meet a lot of perfectly nice, chivalrous guys who are a decent catch for some women, but just not right for me. Now, we still live in Atlanta, and I'm still 40+, so getting dumped by a black woman, when there are eons of black women just waiting to be chosen (let the men in Atlanta tell it) doesn't sit well with the average guy. At all. I hate to hurt a guy's feelings and I try not to intentionally pick them apart, but it does make things uncomfortable. Specially when they have gold teeth...but that's a whole other episode...
So, yeah - when ur dating a guy and suddenly he stops calling or stops acting interested and nothing "happened" - chances are, he probably just "wasn't that into you".
being the dumpee:: I truly struggle with getting into anyone, so usually this one is 'easy' - more like "Next!" But that, my friends, is a problem. Because it feels like with every ____ (insert date/relationship/episode) that goes nowhere, I'm even less likely to get emotionally involved than I was the last time. So even MORE arctic breezes here.
That ISH has gotten old, fast.
But wait, there's more - when I DO find someone that I like, that gets past the initial phases, etc - and THAT person dumps me, I take it really hard. REALLY hard. As in: "does he NOT know what he just gave up?" And rebuild the ice walls around my heart.
Note: I really should take my own advice more often, but let's get to the point....
and the cheese stands alone:: even if you're the ultimate playa, there's a whole host of things that random dating doesn't allow/nurture. Like, traveling to exotic locations with a SO (significant other). Or, having a shoulder to cry on when things fall apart. Or, relying on your SO's benefits plan, or having 2 incomes, or the support system that an SO brings to the table.
The honest truth is Mr. Freeze-like. It gets lonely out here. Even if your dance card is constantly full, you're still constantly swimming in the shallow end of the pool. And sometimes you're gonna look longingly at the deep end. Floating is cool, but so is deep sea diving. And lap swimming. And surfing, and para-sailing. And that's impossible to do in 3 ft of water.
I've had frostbite. I have been/can be the coldest, most aloof person. People accuse me of being anti-social, or saditty, or conceited, etc, but honestly - I'm numb. Aloof. But I've also realized that's not a good thing. At all.
I'm just beginning to thaw out. It's painful. Cold water stings a little (superficial relationships do tend to leave a little pain behind - no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise). Warm air stings a lot ('cause if you let the ice that surrounds your heart melt even a little, that leaves the heart exposed to the elements, right?). Warm/Hot water flat out hurts like no other...and no amount of blankets, hot cocoa, or compresses really alleviates that pain. They're simply a distraction, temporarily.
You can choose the hot water, sure - but that's your choice. I'm choosing cool, and slowly turning up the heat, both to minimize the pain, and ensure that whatever it is that's melting my ice is worthy of the pain/effort.
Oh yes - I intend to remain thawed out.
Posted by saga_30311 at 11:06 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
October 29, 2008
Dating PSA #10 - Me First
d'ya think Joan of Ark had a boyfriend? Yanno, before she got burned alive at 19 yrs old?
I want you to repeat after me, and say this out loud: "Me, first."
Not "me, too' or "me, eventually." Say it again: "Me, first."
Yes, I take my own advice:: Now let me just preface this by saying that some of these posts are directed squarely back at me...lol. I stay busy. I/m the proverbial type-A-er, with too much on my plate, and always running 100mph. Cup overfloweth, plate stays full. But I've learned, by trial and error, to put myself first. Despite my child's special needs, the demanding job, the non-profit work, my grown child's request, the friend's demands, and the random stuff that pops up in everyday life. Even as I'm making moves, I still remember that I come first.
motherhood != selflessness:: (wow that was the geek version, for laymen motherhood does not equal selflessness)...even though a lot of us come with that kind of baggage. I used to be that kind of mom....that thought they only way I could be a good mom was to continuously sacrifice, and basically always put my child first, no matter what. But no child should be subjected to thinking that motherhood runs on guilt/angst alone. And that's exactly what I was teaching my child. I mean really - selflessness does incur a lot of debt in the person/people you're sacrificing for (unless they're really heartless). It's a heavy burden to bear. A better lesson is to teach a child about balance and to understand that they're truly loved, without martyring (yes, that is a word now) yourself as a parent.....
speaking of martyrs:: isn't this sorta the anti-sexy? I mean really - let's think about them for a second. Was Ghandi married? Did Joan have a suitor? Did Mother Theresa have a secret admirer we weren't aware of? Yes, I know that's shallow (and marginally disrespectful - sorry) - but the point has to be made. If you're dating, and you're constantly putting EVERYTHING ahead of you, martyr-syndrome may be affecting you. Perception is everything, and if you make yourself appear selfless and low-priority, then anyone interested in you will follow suit.
Wondering why you got stood up? Or why that guy isn't asking you out? Well - you appear to be sacrificing yourself and everything that's important to you, to be with this person. Is that even remotely appealing?
a concrete example: when I was involved with the drama with FL, I sacrificed EVERYTHING to try and make things work. Friends, family, social circle, activities. Everything. And the more selfless I became, the more he walked all over me. And when I hit bottom, when I was literally LACKING self, he resented me.
Me, first:: Isn't just about putting yourself first, though. That is a start. But you also have to take care of yourself, first. You have to know who you are, first. You have to get yourself together (inside and out) first. To truly find endless love and eternal happiness (or even a Sunday morning love, and fleeting happiness) - you have to be very VERY comfortable with you, first.
I looked at a picture of a colleague of mine, and she just beams, yanno? Highbeams constantly. She glows, not just because she's beautiful (she is) but also because she is cool with herself. (note to self: i really should tell her that. no homo.)
So, yes. Have-it-all, and do-it-all. Be Superwomen/Supermen. Save the earth, cure cancer, be a role model for your children and the best parents you can be. Do all those things that improve your schools, your community, and your lives. Leave your mark on the world. But don't forget.....
Take care of yourself, first. And that One (if they truly are the one) will love and appreciate you all the more for it.
Posted by saga_30311 at 07:08 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
October 26, 2008
Dating PSA #9 - Be Cool
If u weren't aware, Hitch is one of my favorite movies. Against my will, I am a fan of romantic comedies - particularly since my dating life provides so much comedic fodder. So if I reference some obscure Hitch-ism you're unfamiliar with, take a look at movies quotes from Hitch.
cool: \ˈkül\ - marked by steady dispassionate calmness and self-control; marked by restrained emotion and the frequent use of counterpoint; very good, excellent, fashionable, hip.
Sometimes we as women just want to jump in, face first.
I mean, honestly - the dating situation can be challenging. And depending on which magazines you read, or media BS you buy into, dating times are hard, and the situation is well-f@#ked. So really - who can blame a chick for being a little, er - frantic? But let's not all wild out here and act desperate.
I cannot tell you how many of my guy friends complain about women getting too into them too early in the dating game. One great date, one excellent conversation, or a random orgasm between friends, and they're registering at Target. Or, more often, getting VERY demanding about time spent together, other women, or full disclosure.
Here's some tough love - one great date only equals one great date.
Be cool...just relax....let it marinate for a second.
Dating is a process, much like getting a job. If your ultimate goal is to find someone special, then it should be just as painful, and more lengthy,than finding a really great job....
Now, I'm not saying the timeline should necessarily be long - some folks get to number 9 quicker than others. But I am suggesting that skipping a few steps could lead to you being stuck in a dead-end job that's going nowhere or working with someone who is unbearable.
To quote Steve Harvey, women should really date like men. (In my best Steve Harvey voice) "Spend time gettting to know this person. Figure out if this person even wants a relationship. Find out if this person really even likes you and not just your cookies. Women will spend countless hours doing investigative work to determine whether there's some other chick on the side, but then they won't spend any time figurin' out if they're compatible with the person they're dating. Women kill me with that..."
Yeah Steve - they kill me too. But we should really embrace this Hitch-ism right here: Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away. We should really take some time to enjoy those moments when they come.
My lil anecdote:: I've been having some Hitch-like dates/days. So, I met a guy (#1), and he is great. On paper, the resume is tight. In person, he's intelligent and charming. Hows-n-ever, we're just hanging out, so it's SO not serious and I refuse to fast track this dude against his will, yanno?
So - I'm seeing other people. I went out with Guy #2, and we had a good time. He's a decent guy. But on the way home, I stopped by a local bistro/club to hang out a bit. Some wine, some music, some conversations with guys I'm not dating...and who did I run into there? .....Yes, Guy #1. And much as I wanted to plant one on him in the middle of the club when he hugged me....
Be cool.
...I hugged him back. Engaged his brothers charmingly. And exited gracefully when I noticed his eye lingering on another chick in the club. Far be it from me to undermine my own elegance by calling him on it.
Classic. It couldn't have been any more Hitch-y if I had written it. And I'm patting myself on the back (a lil) for being cool.
Note To E: much love. You know why ;).
Posted by saga_30311 at 01:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 10, 2008
the .5 percentile
...And here I am.
I know I'm completely shot out for being gone so long. I have a gazilion excuses. Almost 700 billion to be exact (pun intended), and a lot of them are legitimate. But the most accurate reason is that the blogging adrenaline (for me) comes and goes. It went for a long time. It's back for the moment. I'm hoping it has returned for a while.
Meanwhile, I am dating, and dating more successfully than I have in years. Why, you ask? Because I now understand the .5 pecentile.
everyone that's ever taken a statistics class recognizes this, but for those of you who don't - it's a normal distribution. It's the graphical representation of the probability of something occurring.
And in this case, I'm applying it to the probability that you, I or any of us single folks out here will meet "someone" we actually like, let alone that "One".
I was chatting with a friend - who happens to be someone I dated - but our date evolved into something much better. Antywho, we were talking about our rosters - dating lineups - and who's shaking out to be more than just Bachelor/Bachelorette # 2 (or in my case, 2,849).
After talking a bit, mostly sharing lil vignettes about the qualities our daters possessed that will get them beyond an initial meeting, we compared notes. And even though we're looking for different things, and dating very different people - it all boiled down to one thing. The .5 percentile, and the number in the middle.
That number in the middle - the 68% or 95% or 99.7%, represents the confidence interval - which is an estimation of a population parameter. In layman's terms - it's a guesstimation on how many people do/do not qualify to be included in the estimate of that something occurring.
Applying this to dating, it's how many people will NOT qualify to be the "One" or a special someone. In other words - it's the number of frogs you have to kiss to get to the Prince....if you decide to kiss them all. If you're not very picky, and are okay with dating frogs, then maybe 68% of folks won't qualify, and 32% may have a shot at you. Hence those larger areas at the end of the spectrum.
However, if you're picky? Yah, like me...and like my friend...lol. If you're picky, then 99.5% of the people you meet will not qualify to be that "One". Matter of fact, they won't even come close. See those teeny little areas at each end of the spectrum? Yes, that would be the .5 percentile.
That's a WHOLE lot of minnows that get thrown back into the dating pool. Depressing? No! Seriously - not at all. It just makes it easier to toss folks. Dating isn't just about finding the "one" - it's about figuring out all the 'not-the-ones' so we don't waste time on someone we're clearly not compatible with. It's really about getting to know someone, to see if you two are compatible.
Ok, so yes - I am casting my net wider and faster - and eliminating folks faster. Because most guys ain't ready for all this complexity, yanno? It might seem harsh or cold - but it's the truth, Ruth - and it's working for me.
Posted by saga_30311 at 01:39 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
April 12, 2008
Dating PSA #7: Equally Yoked
Frankly, I've been a hopeful romantic for years. A love-conquers-all, fanatic of Eros style love romantic. In the past, I've been a big believer in the idea that opposites attract, and that "chemistry" is some undefinable "X" factor that just happens.
Then I grew up, and learned that all of that is BS. Love is a choice, and we choose who to love.
Ok, okay - yes, the milkman can marry the lawyer - that's not what I'm talking about. I guess I need to define what I think equally yoked means.
what doesn't equally yoked mean?:: most discussions about being equally yoked that I've come across or have been involved in, reference religious beliefs and Christianity. They reference 2 Corinthians 6:14, which follows:
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
I can't speak to the theological implications (me being a card-carrying member of Bedside Baptist and all), but I can understand the logic, even if I don't agree with it. If you're a holy-rolling bible-thumper, chance are you will have major issues with an atheist. If you're strict Muslim, you're probably gonna have issues with a Jainist.
But this assumes that religious beliefs are the deal-breaker, and I don't necessarily agree with that. In love, as in life, everyone has priorities. Religion may not be #1 on that list. But what is on that list? And what is #1 on that list? How do you decide? I just find the religious definition restrictive, since it doesn't address priorities.
morals, values and cultural mores - oh my?!:: Opposites attract? Hm...it's easy to look at an artist and a scientist and think they're diametrically opposed. She's creative, he's analytical; she's free-spirited, and he's anal-retentive. Stereotypically. But is that accurate? Is that even important?
I took an African-American studies class a while ago, and it helped me examine what's important in building a healthy relationship. One of the principles we discussed was looking beyond the superficial reasons people typically get together, such as appearance, money, sexual attraction, and shared religious practices (ooooooo!). The idea was to focus on things that were more deeply ingrained in our personalities, that influence the life decisions we make: our morals, our values, our cultural mores and character traits.
An example: I have a friend who's in an industry that demands that he be very social. Networking is key to his business, so he interacts with a lot of people, and a lot of those people happen to be female. It's not necessarily part of his moral fiber, but it is part of the industry he chose to be in, so he does it - and does it very well. For a time, he was involved with a woman who was insecure. Very insecure. So much so that his job became a topic of ongoing arguments. He didn't have to be so social....he didn't have to allegedly flirt with every woman he meets at work. I had to have a heart-to-heart with him, and tell him - she's not the chick that's going to help you get where you're trying to go, no matter how much you love other things about her. They just weren't equally yoked.
The point here is that this is very subjective, and completely defined by the individuals involved. His job was important to him, and the socializing was a part of who he was. Her insecurities were diametrically opposed to this. So in this case - opposites repel. They broke up for other reasons, but IMHO - they just weren't on the same page.
equally yoked:: So...you have to really know "who you are", and what's important to you - in order to find someone that you want to spend time with. Your morals, your values, the cultural mores/norms that influence you and the way you live - all make up your personality. These, IMHO, are what's important, and what cannot conflict in a relationship. An ambitious person won't mesh well with someone who lacks ambition. Someone who's compassionate won't connect with someone who's aloof. This is what it means to be equally yoked. It doesn't guarantee a conflict-free relationship - I don't think such a thing exists. But these are things that are deal-breakers, so when we're making our list - these are the things that should be at the top.
my "list"::I've had the opportunity to interact with some really interesting men. Educated and street-educated, intelligent, honest, culturally aware - as well as followers of pop culture. And I've engaged in really interesting conversations that have ranged from music and the merits of a pop-music Amerie vs. a neo-soul Erykah Badu, to furniture design and where to find a good Eames chair, to Friedman, Stiglitz and whether most economic theorists have their head up their a$$. I like hanging out with people who think Will Ferrell is hilarious, but can also laugh at Dave Chappelle as well as Steve Carrell & Romany Malco. Or Adult Swim. Who choose to vote for Obama because of his platform on issues, not just because he's black and they're not feeling Hilary. Who think that owning their own business is vital to long-term wealth building, and won't rely on government bail-outs (that are few and far between) but will wholeheartedly exploit every possible government subsidy and program that exists to help them start and run their own businesses. And who feel a solid set of foreign and trade policies are as important to the US coming out of our recession as domestic economic policies.
You see, I understand what's important to me. My list includes intelligence, ambition, open-mindedness, a strong sense of self (confidence/self-assurance), witty, fashionable, a passion for learning, culturally aware, sensual, spiritual, financially "making moves", social, politically knowledgeable and possessing not only a vision that includes both L-T and S-T goals, but also has a real plan to get them from point A to point B (and beyond). Oh, and possesses a passport. ;)
Does that make me elitist? Maybe - but it neither negates my parents' working class with no HS diplomas backgrounds, nor my 3 degrees. A college education (from a pedigreed school) isn't a deal-breaker, but snarky comments regarding my education is - since my education is important to me.
Does this sound like a rant? It partially is - after a less-than-amicable encounter with a potential dater that I wasn't feeling, and a nastygram from a few other brothas telling me that I'm way too "picky" or that I, like a lot of other "black women" am a "bitch, who thinks that they're as good as white women, but in reality is just a nigger".
If me declaring what I want in a potential mate is my being a "bitch" then so be it - I'll be that. I know who I am, and what I'm worth, and subsequently am not willing to settle for anything less than someone deserving of a woman as special as me. And if my declaration somehow emasculates you, or incenses you to the point that you feel the overwhelming need to denigrate me - then we're definitely not equally yoked.
Posted by saga_30311 at 05:25 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
February 23, 2008
state of the {black} union
or what i'd like to term as why we can't just get along?
pre-post disclaimer: this has nothing whatsoever to do with "The Covenant with Black America" or the Tavis Smiley's impending State of the Black Union conference.
This does have a whole lot to do with the black union - marriage that is. Marriage, our communities and one of the things that I think is fatally flawed and working to our collective detriment.
We just don't seem to get along anymore. At all.
I spend a lot of time surfing. A LOT of time. I troll on a lot of "african-american" portals, skimming what's foremost in our minds and what hot topics are burning in our online communities. I also skim website outside our community, to see what we're presenting to the world. So what's hot in the streets you ask?:
Black women are the biggest hoes on earth times 3000000Where are the NORMAL brotha's at???
ARE BLACK WOMEN THE MOST SHALLOW WOMEN OF ALL THE RACES?
why are you strong black women chasing strong black men to other races?
DO MEN REALLY WANT A WOMAN WHO HAS HIS BACK???
how do i get me a good white woman, like you other black brothers out there
Black men who went Barbie white now back to Quashanda or Barbie Black
*dryheaves* ok, sorry - but most of these 'forums' have that effect on me. I promise I didn't cherry pick those titles/topics.
More under the cut...
To say that this saddens me is a gross understatement. When I consider the "state of the black union" it's these titles that come foremost to my mind. What union? The more I read those titles, the more it seems like at least a compound fracture (mending is a challenge), and at most - a full blow secession.
We're divided as a community on many, many topics and in many, many areas (politics, social justice, unemployment, economic stability, class, education) - but this one area IMHO is fundamental to making progress.
The family:: as a unit - IMHO - is the building block upon which our community is founded. No family unit = community in disarray. Think about our history as a people - the family was the pillar of our financial strength. Pooled money = solution to a lack of financial instruments (credit) that we were denied as a people. Pooled resources = broadened access to resources that were unavailable to us. The support that this unit brings helped us overcome adversity, focused our efforts and strengthened our self-regard. Our families, immediate AND extended, where were we talked shop, ironed out our differences, determined our politics, goals, vision and where we turned when external forces either oppressed us, or failed us.
And now?:: we appear to truly hate us. Only a strong self-hatred embedded in a whole lot of us would fuel so MANY discussions about how sorry we as a people are. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of self-analysis and self-criticism, when done constructively. Calling black women "hoes", "shallow" and stating they're "forcing you to turn to white women" isn't constructive, obviously. Calling black men "trifling", "sorry" and "abnormal" isn't constructive either.
We pass around emails about the Willie Lynch letter, the purported speech that initiated our self-hate, based on color, caste and the emasculation/subjugation of black men. The truth of the letter (whether it's fact/fiction) remains a mystery. However, the letter, real or fake, is of little import, given what we continue to spread at this point. It's a disease. The cause is beyond significance now - now we need a treatment plan.
a non-Black perspective:: I asked a friend/colleague, who is from another country, what they thought about the topics above. His response had two main points: a) the person who'd start such a discussion probably has mental health issues, and b) the internet creates a lot of false courage and anonymous posturing. Both true and valid points, but what about the offline discussions that mirror these ideas? And the people who carry these ideas unspoken within? Same sickness, no cure? He mentioned that many countries have the same issues, but the solutions are different - but that in a "developed", "civil" country, he'd expect more.
My thoughts:: are that for all the discussion about progress, and demanding equality, we've got major healing to do in our own house. This may not be the sole starting point. In looking externally for justice, equality, rights, etc - are we overlooking the mess that's accumulating in our own backyards?
I've said this before, and I'll say it again - yes, Divorce rates climbed thru the 1970's - then they plateaued, and have remained pretty flat since. But the marriage rate in the african-american community is declining. You can find the stats from the Census bureau, or Google black marriage statistics, and find a whole slew of "chicken first of egg first?" discussions about why we're not getting married. Poverty? Unemployment? Crime & Jail Terms? Is it these reasons that cause the decline in marriage, or does not being married cause these? *shrugs* Both and either. I know I'm a lot less inclined to rob a bank and risk my good gub'ment job because I have a family.
The problem with our unions (at this point) isn't that we're getting divorced. The problem is that we're not even attempting to get married...not attempting to create that unit. Some of "us" are opting to not even associate with "us". We're throwing up our hands, throwing in the towel, not wanting to be bothered. There is a part of me that thinks: "g'on then - that's another brotha/sista that we don't need around muddying up the collective". But that's just me not "getting along" either.
The state of our union, my friends, isn't a problem that we can keep ignoring.
Posted by saga_30311 at 07:50 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 21, 2008
an unhappy partnership
I've been thinking about partnerships lately. About marriage, about work, about this country, our government and our responsibilities as individual American citizens. About how most relationships, business relationship or personal relationships, are all built on the foundations of a partnership.
By definition:1: the state of being a partner : participation2 a: a legal relation existing between two or more persons contractually associated as joint principals in a business b: the persons joined together in a partnership3: a relationship resembling a legal partnership and usually involving close cooperation between parties having specified and joint rights and responsibilities
Nicely done. Given that, we get who's involved, and some idea that a) there should be some agreement (contract) between the partners and b) the roles of each partner should be defined as well as c) there should be some cooperation between said partners as well. Think that's all well and good, and the average person could agree on that and extend all that to most relationships...here's where I think it gets tricky....
Joint rights. Joint responsibilities. Ugh - that means all partners must do something and be accountable for something, and are entitled to somethings, eh? Yah, methinks that's where the proverbial rubber hits the road.
In marriage:: I think generally people tend to forget about that last piece. A lot. I was talking with a friend about their recent divorce, and their "never again" attitude, and while I could understand it, I'm definitely a "never-say-never" kind of person. I have a few, er - friends (ex-dates, but let's not make this about me....lol) that have stated that whole "never-again" position. Typically, it's due to financial reasons. Understandable. Sometimes, it's due to a lack of a compelling reason. Hm.
As always, I have an ancedote: an extended late-night visit to the dentist (from 5:30PM to 5:00 AM. don't ask). But around 9PM-ish, the dentist's wife came in, put on some latex gloves, and played assistant, prepping rooms, checking to see if patients were comfortable, processing payments, making appointments and taking phone calls.
When I temporarily got the dentist outta my mouth, I had to tell her that I admired their partnership, how they worked together, the support, etc. She laughed, and we discussed it. She said "It wasn't always like this.....it's a second marriage for both of us....we're older now....our kids are grown....our reasons for getting married this time are definitely different than the first time, and our reasons for staying married are even slightly different than they were for getting married...." ....which I think is as it should be.
Marriage (and personal relationships between lovers) are at their core, a partnership. An agreement, with a contract - that can be modified as well as broken. But the terms of that partnership are completely up to the parties involved. It's their responsibility to define those terms, to define that contract and add/subtract whatever clauses are necessary.
In any partnership, even if one partner is ecstatic, and the other partner is miserable, the partnership alone isn't necessarily the compelling reason to remain. The MBA in me says as long as there's a valid ROI that's within expectations, the partnership's viable.The desire to retain the partnership, due to the other things derived from it (companionship, support, well-founded faith, financial reasons, lust, passion, spiritual reasons, agape love, or even desperation) as long as both partners are willing and agree, should be the reason to "stay in" and "work it out", whether it's a marriage, work relationship, or something else...
More under the cut....
Ah, work:: You may want to think this scenario is different, that your job/company/boss is huge, and you're just some little guy taking orders, but the same logic applies. My boss likes to say that to "do the right thing" we should be "good partners" with our company. We've allegedly got the same mission, goals, corporate values, etc. Sounds sorta like a partnership, yes? We have parties to it, there are agreements and contracts, and each has rights & responsibilities. Ha, I know you're wondering...? Yes, I have an anecdote ;)
A coworker got recruited to assist with an important presentation, at the 25th hour (not long before flights were departing, and long after hotels had been fully booked). Although his wife and 2 small (<5 yrs old) children weren't ecstatic, he's a "good partner" so he did what he had to do. Lots of last-minute rescheduling/cancellations and a few travel mishaps later, and he was at a pretty large conference of upper-level managers, including a whole slew of C-levels (that's MBAspeak for the CEO, CIO, CFO and the Board of Directors, amongst others).
Now, he's a geek, like I'm a geek - we both work on projects (software) that come from the business development folks. The presentation was a business development presentation. He was serving as tech support - ensuring that the C-levels got their presentation sans technical glitches. And, yes - technical glitches are somewhat unavoidable. So, he's really just mitigating risks (minimizing/avoiding). At hour 27 however, late the night before, with the C-levels sleeping peacefully, a major glitch occurred. He had to make a decision to minimize the risk, which he did. And went to sleep very late, and very fitfully that night.
The next day 5 minutes before the presentation, as the C-levels are sipping coffee in anteroom, he gets a call from his manager. His hiring/promotion/firing manager::
manager:: I heard we had a problem last night.
him:: We did, but I decided to do Action X. That should address the issue.
manager:: Why didn't you decide to do Action Y?
him:: Action Y was riskier and had less chance of a positive response than Action X. I didn't want to risk it.
manager:: Are you sure? Action Y is still possible....?
him, thinking risky Action Y will take at least 30 minutes (and more C-level delaying) and safe Action X is already available:: I considered the alternatives, and I'm sure.
manager:: Ok. It's your job on the line. *click*
him:: hunh?
business development dude next to him We're going to need you to talk through the intro to the presentation, and you've got about 3 minutes.
him:: *gulp*
Can you imagine?
I gotta give it to him for pulling it off, and not walking out. But it just demonstrates that work relationships are a partnership. It was/is his choice to stay and work at it. Even when the terms change. I'm glad it worked out for him, but it made me reexamine whether this partner is the right partner for me. And what I'd be willing to do to continue making it work.
The good 'ole USofA:: Our government is a partner, whether we believe it or not, are willing or not. We have tacit and implicit agreements with it, some which we condone, some that we do not. Many parties are involved, willing and unwilling. We both have (semi) defined roles, and (semi) defined responsibilities. And we have contracts.
The nice thing about it, however - is that those contracts with the government are formally renegotiated and renewed periodically. Every 2-4 years.
Yeah, there's a campaign going, and I'll comment on that later. For now, I believe that even the most resistant, most apathetic, most disenfranchised Americans need to examine this race, and the direction our country has been headed in, and determine where they'd like our leaders to take us. As a partner, is our government working for you, and is it taking you where you'd like to go? Are you happy with the current partners? The current contracts?
A quick story:: a good friend of mine refuses to vote. Refuses to "participate in a System of corruption between the oppressive and corrupt government and multi-national corporations that continues to propogate racist and classist behaviors" etc. I understand this. However, if you're really going to "not participate", you have to make a universal stand. Don't be a consumer. Don't pay taxes. Don't work, directly or indirectly, for any multi-national corporations. Don't drive. Don't buy gas. Don't be entertained. If you're going to secede, you have to secede from everything...otherwise you're still a participant, and the only thing you're abdicating is your right to potentially change things..
Don't get me wrong - I agree. The system has major issues. But we (as a partner) have rights and responsibilities. The right to voice our dissatisfaction in one way or another. Griping is one (ineffectual, but valid). Voting is another. Not voting gives a freebie on the plus side to everything that you stand against.
Partnerships. We all choose how we participate in them. We choose our role, we help define our responsibilities and the contracts, and we decide whether they will continue. Or not.
If you're in an unhappy partnership, isn't it time to leave? Or can you do what it take to work things out?
Posted by saga_30311 at 08:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 30, 2007
washing my hands of black men
That's a strong statement, isn't it? I wrote this about a 8/11/07 ago, with the following opening sentence:
I haven't written about my lovelife in a while, because there hasn't been a reason to. It's been pretty much non-existent.
I sat on this post for a while, as I tried to regain my train of thought on the matter. Why did I write this? And why am I revisiting it.
why I wrote it? My lovelife over the last 8-ish years has been a series of unfortunate events. Lots of first and second dates, followed by heavy-handed attempts at my goodies, which inevitably triggers my frustration and eventual dismissal of the applicant in question. Hm, no surprises there. And I've considered throwing in the towel on dating on many occasions. Matter of fact, I have thrown in the towel on a few of those. But I've never completely thrown in the towel on my brethren. So why now? What triggered my frustration to the point where I want to say F*ck the entire lot of them?
*thinking outloud* Hm, it couldn't have been that relationship I ended, because we're still friends. My cyber boyfriends have been treating me decent. There was that one needy brother that called me rude and ignorant, because I was too busy to answer his phone calls - but that shouldn't have been enough to warrant barring brothers completely.
Most of my exes or potential dates end up being friends. Not true anymore...I just had a friendship go down in huge flames this weekend. And he was as rude, ignorant and controlling as the other guy accused me of being.
But now that I think about it, what's my role in this whole equation? I mean, there are a whole LOT of frogs out there, but the problem's not always them. It could be me. I could be the princess sleeping wrong on the pea, yanno? Let's do a lil self-examination to see what I'm contributing to these unfortunate events.
My problem? Well - there's a list:
Let me just say, before you start refuting my short list, that I know my self-worth. I'm a realist, and an MBA after all - so I know that my value proposition has merit. My value prop (and the answer as to why I'm "washing my hands") is after the jump.
What I'm bringing to the table:: My proverbial value proposition: