sagaciously is...

TheFinale

2010-02-11T17:02:21Z

It's an end of an era...

I've been blogging since November 24, 2001

Much of it has been personal. VERY personal. So personal, in fact, that it's become burdensome. If you're wondering why I'm stopping - that's it, in a nutshell. The joy I once felt in writing in this space is gone, for more reasons than I care to recount. But I am busy, things have changed - and I'd rather spend my time doing things, than talking about doing them.

My only goal when I started blogging/writing was to make some sense of what I was going through. And to tell the truth.

Blogging has evolved dramatically in the last 9 years, and with it....comes the time to ask myself if I need to evolve also. The answer is yes.

So, with that - it's time to go.

I want to thank you - those of you that have taken the time to read my stuff, and give me feedback, comments, email me, etc. I appreciate all that you've shared with me, positive and negative.

And no, I haven't stopped writing completely - it's just time for the journey to take a new direction.

This leg is over.

Now on to the next.....

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and the movement that will change the world......

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♥ ♥ ♥I love y'all - truly. Stay tuned....♥ ♥ ♥

Dating PSA #18: Why Am I Single?

2010-01-31T21:22:48Z

author's note: even as I did this, I noted to myself that this was either pretty brave, or really stupid. Jury's still out on which...

I hate this question. I really do. I mean, we all ask it - but what purpose does it serve, really? Do we think the person being asked is going to really be honest about their character flaws, or why their relationships ended?

But I, like many people, try to formulate a response that's both honest and flattering. That reveals enough of who we are, to gain the asker's interest. An answer like: "I wasn't ready to settle down...I haven't met the right person...." or something along those lines. Marginally honest, but ultimately generic enough to not be unflattering.

And then I thought to myself, do I even know the real answer? Would my "exes" agree? And really - isn't it more important that I know why and that my answer is honest with me, than me deluding myself with that same marginally honest answer?

So, I asked them directly. Their responses? Let's go to the tape...

Ex #1::You're going for it (a relationship) from a whole 'nother view - from an MBA position..and that's not a good look....you like to be in charge of the situation, men are not going to allow that. That's not gonna happen. No man wants to feel like a bitch, and if they do - they're settling. Eventually, they'll be Tiger Woods-ing it. A man needs a woman, he doesn't need a man. And he wants a woman that will play her position. You're a Taurus and you're stubborn, you have a bad temper, and when things get thick, you want to leave. And you leave. A man wants to be the protector, and when you pull out a shank to protect him, he ain't feeling it.

author's note: he really revelled in giving it to me straight, didn't he? Ouch. Okaay...let's press on, shall we....next....

Ex #2:: Well are u pushing peeps away? U did that with me. U said things that went to u not wanting a relationship...U said I didn't really love u....It made me say f*ck it.....Dude fa real I wanted u all to me.....u gotta stop....U may miss ya shit

author's note: yeah, I did do that....next....

Ex #3:: 'cause u want to be...

author's note: don't u hate an extra short response? Like dude - seriously? So, I asked him to go in....and he says....

Ex #3:: You are a person that is smart, attractive, well educated, good lover....it's just you. Your personality. You want a man to be every dayum bit of a man when he steps to you...you don't want a quarter of a man, he can't be a half a man...you want a man be a whole man. In Georgia, women spoil men, and take care of them so good, men are spoiled.....men aren't trying to be that old-skool, back in the day man....times have changed, and you aren't going to meet the types of men your mama met. Women tend to look for a man like their dad...and a lot of brothers now can't live up to that. And it's easier to deal with a woman who will settle. You have to take a man where he is. But you? You take one look at a man's potential....and if he doesn't live up to your standards? You fire them so fast, and so hard...he doesn't even know what hit him.....

author's note: ...and the last response from my exes.

Ex #4:: By choice....Better to be alone than in bad company.

So, there you have it. My thoughts weren't THAT far off....but I definitely learned a lil something...something.

My standards are high. I've known this for years, but - Ex #3 put that into perspective. My high standards alone aren't necessarily the hindrance, but combine them with dating in a market where demand is extremely high (lots of single women) and supply is iffy (quality men are in short supply)...and the idea that some of those single women are not only willing to settle, but also willing to spoil, nurture, or cater to a single man in ways that...well...I just haven't been equipped to....and my single-ness is not only completely explainable, but no longer surprising.

As for the other responses: Yes, as per Ex #1- I go hard (my nickname is Brooklyn) - and men don't find that attractive. Not surprising, duly noted - and I'm working on that. And as for Ex #2's comment, yes - I'm also a runner. Also working on that.

I'm a work in progress, obviously. I'm also painfully aware that if I want to end my single status - I CANNOT keep doing the same thing I've been doing for years (because doing the same thing and expecting different results is idiocy, isn't it?).

This was, definitely, enlightening. If any of my other exes respond...I'll post it accordingly.

Dating PSA # 17 - I want a man that wants me

2010-01-26T15:10:21Z

author's note: I really should take a break from discussion boards, because they color my vision of dating, relationships and men, greatly. But I like debate - hence my absence. But I digress...

Numerous postings, debates, discussions later....and I'm feeling like my already suppressed libido is dissipating in the wind, like smoke.

I don't know how to put this one eloquently or succinctly, so I'll just ramble along. Bear with me.

I want a man that wants me. Period.

So much of what I read finds me (as in me, the black woman) lacking. I'm too stubborn, too expressive, too aggressive, too shallow, too materialistic, too strong, too vocal about my strengths, too independent, too vocal about my independence, too big, too black focused, too ambitious, too manipulative, to the detriment of black men....yeah, I've said it before, here - It's not my fault and I'm not the enemy. But...all I keep hearing, reading, and the feedback I'm getting is....

Black men aren't feeling me (a black woman) exactly as I am.

What I'm hearing is: my standards are too high. I focus on materialistic things instead of the content of a man's character. I fire men for the slightest, most trivial infraction. I mean, I could go on. I need to change if I want to get the relationship I deserve.

What I'm not hearing is that black men actually want, me.

I get no brownie points for anything. Not my character, because this is deemed lacking (I'm shallow). Not my appearance, because there are always more attractive women in the world, since beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not for my accomplishments, because men claim they don't care about anything I've accomplished. So what am I left with? I should appear to be "fun" and "happy" and then maybe - a black man will want me?

This brother, this generic black man, who (by their own definition/description) cannot live up to my "unreasonable" standards, isn't attractive. There's nothing remotely noble, or desirable about a male who, instead of striving to rise above their current circumstances or past experiences - chooses to, consistently and rather vocally, ask his mate to lower her expectations. These brothers find themselves, wanting. Then because of their self-analysis, self-reflection and their perception of my standards, they feel that they are "lacking" - and thus attack me and use their analysis to move on to a woman who has no standards. If my dream is to build a relationship foundation,by choosing a mate that is a reflection of those qualities that I value most about myself, who is this black man that's basically taking a dump on my dream? And why would I want that black man?

There's this study that was mentioned in a NY Times article, regarding women's sexual desires and the things that stimulate women. It's a long read,, but a good one. According to the article, one doctor in the field goes so far as to hook the nether region up to instruments that measure moistness (o_O) and genital responses, then gauges the effect certain stimuli has on a woman's arousal. One of the (somewhat) surprising findings? Women respond to being desired. Even in watching porn, when the act portrays the woman as desirable, or strongly attractive to the man in the movie, so that he acts as though he wants the woman strongly - women watching this become aroused.

And this explains why I'm feeling like my mojo has left the building. Who wants to be constantly bombarded, particularly by the object of your desire specifically, with the message that they're not desirable? Insufficient? Defective? Damaged? Given all that I've read, debated, discussed, etc - I'm more than a little surprised that I'm not trying to date interractially. Because I don't see THEM throwing me under the bus on a regular basis.

I want a man who is appreciative of more than my bigg butt and my smile. I want a man who can express that he admires all of me: my complexity, my intelligence, my strength, my ambition, my sex appeal, my resiliance, my passion, my accomplishments, my compassion, my spirituality, my morals, and my values. And everything about me that he has yet to know, but actually wants to discover.

I want a black man, but more importantly - a man that desires me. All of me.

Project Runway - Saga's NYE edition...

2010-01-02T19:37:11Z

Yeah, I've been MIA - but I've been busy, and that's a good thing ;)

So, my friends decided that they were coming to visit Atlanta for the holidays, and wanted to go on New Year's eve. Now, I haven't been out on NYE since the early 90's, so I wanted to look fabu and have a fabu time - cause it may be the last NYE that I'll be going out on the town.

So the question of the day for me was - what to wear? And the first answer that popped in my mind was that YSL Lurex jumpsuit that I talked about in the plus sized trend shopping post in November.

However, not only did I not have $1,690 laying around for an outfit, but to my knowledge, YSL doesn't make clothes for women my size. So what's a fashionista on a budget to do? Bust out that Singer (or in my case, Baby Lock), hit up the fabric store - and Tim Gunn it.

And just in case you all have a desire to DIY it, I'm providing details ;)

Patterns:: First, let's talk about finding the pattern. I stalk Butterick & Vogue Patterns' websites regularly, and I sorta doubted I'd find the exact jumpsuit I wanted, which was true. What I did end up finding (via Google) is a host of Vintage pattern and craft sites like Lanetzliving, along with Ebay and Ecrater. So, I ordered 2 jumpsuit patterns initially, both with sleeveless looks, but back variations. However, I really wanted a halter-back jumpsuit, so after hitting up all my previous sites, I found a vintage pattern on eBay, Butterick 3934:

Note that the pattern was NOT my size - it was actually a few sizes too small. So, although I really liked the style, I knew alterations were in my future. But I love a challenge!

Fabrics:: This actually took a LOT more effort than the pattern. As any seamstress, designer, or reality tv show will tell you - fabric selection is e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I could list all the websites and brick & mortar fabric stores I visited, and it would take up most of this post. So, the main point is, there are a ton of online fabric shops that have good selections in typical fabrics, like Denver Fabrics, Vogue Fabric Stores, and even exceptional, one-of-a-kind fabrics such as Emma One Sock. But they only came close, and I needed the fabric to be dead on.

So, we finally hit up local brick & mortar stores. My good friend Chelle pointed me to Peachtree Fabrics, but unfortunately although the selection is amazing, the only carry decorator fabrics. After hitting up a couple of other stores and asking tons of questions, the lovely ladies at Forsyth Fabrics (down to earth Jersey girls like Chelle) sent me to Gail K.

Cue the aww-AWW music, and let a gold halo shine on this store, m'kay?! The selection was amazing, I mean the store was overrun with stuff: sequins, prints, jacquards, lurex, organza, wools, heavyweight tweeds, etc. In other stores, when I said Lurex, the staff gave me that Scooby-doo "hunh" look. In Gail K, when I said Lurex, the staff pointed to a whole rack of bolts of fabric. Sweet!

Alterations:: As I said, the pattern was several sizes too small. So, I had to consult several sources to figure out how to resize it. I came across several techniques, including the splitter techique and the pivot & slide technique. However, I found a book that details the pivot & slide technique:

Pattern Fitting with Confidence by Nancy Zieman. Given my measurements, the pattern measurements, etc, I felt confident I could resize and get it done....

...except I made the pattern about 4 sizes too big. What to do?!

Tim Gunn-ing in this piece:: the interesting thing about committing to something is that, under the gun, when the resources are depleted (read: you're broke) and time is short...you will MAKE IT WORK. Which is what I did. I mean, I was clipping, resewing, trimming, reclipping, trying on, starting over....I think a person with less patience would have given up. But this chick was c.o.m.m.i.t.t.e.d. I kept at it, until it started looking like the picture in my head, and like a sculpture, it eventually, with more whittling and slicing, started looking like I wanted it to....and eventually:

Not bad, hm? I'm rather proud of myself....it might not be an exact replica, but I think it's pretty good for a first (after a long non-sewing hiatus) attempt.

Aight, gotta go...I have a ton of back-in-the-day fabrics/projects to now tackle. Project Saga continues....lol

Dressing my A$$ets Off - A Guide for the Plus Sized Woman, part II

2009-11-17T16:58:14Z

As promised & threatened - I'm back to tackle those trends I couldn't find ;)

So there have been a lot of hot trends this year (similar to previous years). One thing I've found particularly compelling this year is that these trends can be very flattering to us curvy chicks.

1940's pencil skirts, pegged suits and feminine dresses accentuate our curves, and can re-define (nee create) curves where curves may be ill-defined (or missing). Red is just a sexy color and gives you that boost of confidence that makes you channel fierceness. Jumpsuits are very on-trend, and given the right cut and fabrics, can grace curves. And Fur has been reinvented, in touches that says luxury without screaming bulky or expensive.

So, how do you find trendy clothes in your size? Well - we talked about some of the where, so here I'll show you some examples and talk about how I found them. Even if you don't necessarily want to channel Rita Hayworth or Audrey Hepburn circa 1942, hopefully the tips can help you update your look with trendy finds ;)

Jumpsuits: I literally fell in love with the Anthracite Lurex halter jumpsuit created by YSL for Fall '09 (the picture above). So much so, in fact - that I'm ordering the fabric myself, and I found a suitable pattern. Because I knew that I wouldn't find the exact jumpsuit in my size, I'm sucking this one up - and sewing it myself. Don't sew? Well, find a good seamstress (we all should have a good seamstress in our fashion network for alterations et. al.) and have her make it for you. If you buy the fabric and search for the patterns, you can reduce her legwork (and your costs) in the process.

But if that's totally aus, then here are a few good suggestions for you. The deep v-neck, long sleeve Charlie jumpsuit by Monif C. is sexy, and flattering. Lane Bryant has several to choose from, including some strapless and halter styles. I've also seen a few at some of the department store chains made by various RTW lines, but honestly: the fit of a jumpsuit is so crucial, that I'd leave this to the retailers who take pains to fit curvy folks, vs. RTW folks who are "sizing up", if you know what I mean ;)

1940's:: I think I found my new favorite dress. This Raquel dress from B & Lu is extremely fitted, extremely curvy, and is screaming 1940's to me. Add a fur stole, killer stillettos and some soft curly/wavy hair, and you've travelled back to another era. I really, and I mean REALLY like the embedded self belt waistline which will whittle your waist. It creates the figure 8, without some of the bulk that a jacket & skirt combination can sometimes creates. So, are you an Hourglass? Hour and 1/2 glass (like me)? This dress should work for anyone whose curves approach dangerous. I was searching for the jumpsuit above, and stumbled across this one in the process - yay me!

Not quite your cup of tea? Kiyonna.com has some lovely plus sized skirts, Igigi's Limited Collection includes the Michelle Suit (my fave), the Milano Suit and the Marcela suit which are all quite 40's & pretty fab. Also, check out Bloomie's, Nordie's & Macy's for separates to create that pencil skirt & pinched waist jacket silhouette. I found most of these by searching on these websites directly - and as I mentioned, I do love boutiques for trendy wear.

Red:: I originally considered red as purely a makeup trend - a rebellion after years of MAC Oh Baby & Beaux. But after I started seeing is used in fresh ways and new shades, combined with the resurgence of both the Vampire movies and 40's glamour - Red is now a statement color to bring the fire to an outfit.

And perfect for the holidays. Along with the Marilyn convertible dress from Monif C. (pictured at left, it's like 10 dresses in one) consider the following Red options: the Traditional Tunic from Gayla Bentley at Neiman Marcus (cute, with a pair of leggings ;), this double-breasted funnel neck coat from Style & Co at Macy's, the Tapestry Sweater Dress by Melissa Masse or this one-shoulder maxi dress from Lane Bryant.

Oh yes - and this little red suede fringe vest from Berek @ Neiman Marcus. Fierce, no?

Fur:: faux fur to be exact. The Faux Fur Gilet is very on-trend this year, and this one by Rachel by Rachel Roy for Macy's apparently sold out in about .00009 seconds. What's a fashionista to do? Well, I broke out my sewing machine (again) and found some fabu fur at I'm Stuffed Fur.com, so I could get my gilet just right ;)

More options?: how about the coffee-colored faux fur vest at Avenue, this fur-trimmed cardigan from Lane Bryant, or this Fox Faux Fur Vest from FabulousFurs.com? BTW, Fabulous Furs sells all kinds of faux fur in various sizes, from full coats to wraps & stoles, and they're wonderful because they're pelted - so they look real ;)

Aight, so we've got some on-trend options. Now I'm thinking - what about the other trends? Sequins? Leggings? Rocker looks? 1980's? All out there, with a little Googling and searching...lol. Oh, you might want to click those links for a peek ;)

Next up....Shopping for your body type, and finding clothes in your size. Stay tuned...

Dating PSA #16 - What a Woman Wants

2009-11-08T16:58:12Z

Speak life into existence.

So, I've found myself over the last few years, wondering why dating basically *sucks* so much, and why I've been noticing my growing dislike for it. I couldn't really come up with an answer that makes sense. Until I got back from Switzerland, and this guy who was interested in me asked me how my trip was...

a lil context: as you may well know, I've been a little frustrated with dating (er, ya think?). Most of what I've been doing the last few years consists of meet & greets, coffee dates, or low-brow haphanded attempts at my goodies, and me firing another candidate. very sterile, very guarded, very safe. fun, wow.

Well, we were discussing whether "vanilla" dates - meet & greets, coffee dates, etc had value. I know they have their place, but for me - they're a turn off. And then I recounted for him a particular part of my trip to illustrate.

the following is my portion of the conversation...

me: A___ & Tasha....we're friends, yanno? and when I'm with them, I feel good
me: REALLY good

me: I haven't felt like that...that same feeling, with or about a man...in years
me: LOL
me: when I'm with them, I can securely be myself, talk about whatever and feel great
me: light hearted
me: smart
me: free spirited
me: adventurous
me: what I'm saying is....that I want to be able to feel that same way around a man
me: free-spirited
me: adventurous
me: light hearted
me: happy
intelligent
sexy
me: without feeling fearful...or guarded...or having to dumb down for him, yanno?
me: we sat at the Rheinefall, under candlelight...and drank proseco and ate schnitzel or some other swiss meal....and talked about family, and community, and activism...and work....and traveling....and how we can put our families back together
me: and men...and how much we love black men, and how it hurts sometimes that they're not loving us back the way we deserve
me: I want the man...wherever he may be.....in GA, or NY...or hell...London...that is motivated to not let challenges become major obstacles....that will figure out a way to overcome then, yanno?

I keep thinking this isn't a lot to ask for. A date with a man who actually admires, adores, is interested in, respects, and/or wants to get to know, me. Not just poke me on the shoulder and ask for punani. Interested. In me.

...Am I asking too much?

from Modelinia: How to Walk in High Heels

2009-11-06T14:36:39Z

Do you ♥ stillettos like I do? But stillettos don't ♥ you in return? You're not the only one!

I've been wearing heels literally since I was about 13 (do NOT judge me, there's a very good reason) and stillettos since I was about 15/16. But 20+ years (again, no judgement! :-P) and after taking a break from them, I needed a refresher.

I came across this great video clip from Modelinia - it's pretty helpful. Enjoy!

See more videos on modelinia.com

My latest obsession: Alexander Wang Skyline Dress for FNO09

2009-11-04T16:30:33Z

Sometimes it pays to not be "average".

...'cause God knows my heart, and if I was average (read: skinny) chick - I'd be the most fashionably dressed, homeless chick on earth. When I get obsessed - truly obsessed - nothing (not even blogging) will stop me from hunting and capturing my fashion prey.

Yes, it's that serious.

My latest? (Click the pics to view larger/detailed)

But more specifically:

It's the Skyline Print Long Dress that Alexander Wang designed for Fashion Night Out 2009 (@FNO09) recently. Find more about Fashion Night Out by clicking here.

I have boots that are perfect, and I can make myself a leather Obi Sash (or some other urban dominatrix appropriate waist cincage). But that dress... *sighs* was limitedly available at Bergdorf Goodman's in NYC, and the sizing wasn't for me :-(

...don't underestimate the power of a true fashionista. Me, American Apparel and my favorite screenprinter are going to have a pow-wow, real talk. That dress will be mine...

p.s. if you know where I can find a white, long, and (preferably) fine-grade t-shirt dress, holla at ya girl ;)

Dressing my A$$ets Off - A Guide for the Plus Sized Woman, part I

2009-11-03T13:28:43Z

So, my good friend Miss Princess Dominique asked me to write an article for her blog, Princess Dominique Dishes Fashion . Of course, I opted to write about fashion (our shared obsession). And I chose to write an article about plus sized styling, because frankly - my friends say I dress like I'm the business. And because I'm sick of seeing plus sized women as poster children for you know you dead a$$ wrong, looking like their halloween costume is a linebacker for Team Glowstick, or they're doing an impression of a funnel.

I had the perfect ideas in mind - I wanted to touch on my favorite trends for Fall 2009, and link women to their plus-sized alternatives. With that in mind, I was thinking: 1940's, Red, Fur, Shoes, Jumpsuits, etc. Like so....

Except - yanno what? I couldn't find the clothes in plus sizes....lol.

And there's the rub. Even the most fashionable of us, that know where to find stylish clothes, at great prices...run into problems with plus size styling/fitting and actually FINDING the clothes.

So, with that...I still will post my best finds for Fall 2009. Here's the plan:

Part 1: the best places to find plus size fashion, in my not-so-humble opinion
Part 2: finding trendy clothes in your size (yes, I will find those trends above in plus sizes!)
Part 3: how to shop for your body type (and buy clothes in your size)
Part 4: Shoes!

So, before we get into my favorite shopping destinations, some things I try to avoid:

I'm not particularly loyal to any store/brand/label/destination. I shop where I find things that suit me well, or move me...or call me (y'all know I get obsessed, right?).

I do avoid clothes that look like I could be a member of the church mother board/usher board like the plague.

As well as clothes that literally look as if they s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d the largest Misses size to make it plus.

Also, cheap fabrics or manufacturing. Typically, in plus size, these slight anomalies or faults tend to be much easier to spot and note.

Other than that...I do try to break every fashion rule ever made, because that (IMHO) is what fashionistas do. Break the rules, and wear what looks good on you, despite playing the numbers game (see part 3 for more on those numbers).

With that, my fave destinations (in no particular order):

Department Stores:: Macy's, Nordstrom, Neimans, Saks et. al. Click those links to head straight to the plus size online shops. Now I know what you're about to say: "they're pricey!" Yes, I know, but quality shows, and they all run sales regularly. If you're a valued customer (read: credit card holder) you also get additional discounts. And they designers, incl. couture designers, finally woke up and smelled the $: the average woman is a size 14. They know there's a lot of money in this niche, and Ralph Lauren, Adrienne Vittadini, Jones New York, Tahari, Tadashi, Melissa Mase, Calvin Klein, Kenneth Cole, Michael Kors, Rachel Pally, and Suzie Chin (amongst others) are designing accordingly.

Plus Sized RTW chain retailers:: I have a love-hate relationship with Lane Bryant, Avenue and Ashley Stewart. Why? Because they're all great on occasion, and in very small doses. LB does well with career wear and occasionally in the trendy space, but after 2-3 seasonal hits, they come back with some left fieldness. But right now I ♥ Lane Bryant's Icon Collection. For both Avenue and Ashley Stuart, they suffer from costing/trendiness issues: cheap manufacturing + trendy clothing = consistent fashion don'ts. Although I've found the occasional piece or two here, just be wary of the quality. Oh, and Torrid? Only for incredibly short-lived trendy pieces, and not entire outfits. Just my humble opinion...

Discount retailers:: I ♥ Target and Walmart! Ok, before you go there...I truly respect designers who do lower ends lines for the fashionable on a budget. Isaac Mizrahi, Mossimo and Norma Kamali have been putting some very workable pieces in Target and Walmart. And before you complain about the sizing, each has gone up to a size 20 (XXL or 18//20) which can be generous depending on your height/body type. I'm a big, juicy pear and I have quite a few Mossimo and Kamali pieces (Isaac's not as forgiving :-( ) Don't just peruse the plus size area though, shop the Juniors and Women's sizes, and look for lines that extend through XXL or size 20). Oh, and don't forget Ross, and T.J. Maxx, as they buy consistently from all the other retailers I've mentioned.

Lastly, the plus size online-only designers:: I've checked out Igigi.com, Kiyonna.com, Monif C. , B &Lu, and others. And while I ♥ some a LOT (and ♥ some less) - they're pricey without the semi-annual sales, without the quality (in some cases) and without consistency. So, I check them out and find stand out pieces (again!), but are generally wary about price and quality.

So, lot's of resources, yes? If there's a lesson here, it's definitely that we do have a lot to choose from, and this niche is growing, which is nice for us p.h.a.t., plus size, bbw "fluffy", plush women. But with that, it is work - the same as it is for "junior" or "women's" sizes. But if you're a shopper like me - I like!

There ya go! Hope that helps, but if you have other destinations - please share! Happy Hunting! (and save some bargains for me!)

Vamos a Switzerland!

2009-11-03T01:06:24Z

(yeah, I know they don't speak Spanish. Pero, voy mundial! )

I climbed a mountain, y'all!

I climbed a mountain, took a horsedrawn carriage up to a castle, danced on a table top with a rather femme Hulk Hogan look-alike, watched paragliders sail over mountains, drank Proseco at the base of a waterfall, ate curry-wurst in the town square, viewed some of the most beautiful stained glass in the world, and ate sushi. (I hate seafood, so my friends know that last part is truly amazing.)

And all of the above (and more) answers the question that you haven't asked (but want to) - Why Switzerland?

Well, there is this... (refresh to change the pics below - they change randomly with page refreshes)

www.flickr.com

The main reason, however, is because my friend A___ is an expat. She's been living in Switzerland for about 18 months, and invited Tash and I to come visit. This is our second major trip abroad together, having done a tour of Buenos Aires & Rio for the Study Abroad program where we met. And where the term "Vamos a Chile" was born. We will Vamos a Thailand sometime in 2010.

But for now - Switzerland.

Or more specifically, Schaffhausen, Zurich, Glarus, Klöntal, and Schwammhöhe (I could not make up that name if I wanted to). As well as Füssen, Germany, and many points in between. Schaffhausen, where we stayed, is both a quaint little Swiss town 32 miles from Zurich, and a balls-out (literally - the mascot is a ram with golden balls) canton, boasting a beautiful waterfall (the Rheinfall) an old canton fortress about 300 steps from the street (the Munot - I counted these as we climbed them...lol) and a historic town square. We ate great cheese (or course), yogurt (Bio yogurt is amazing!), ice cream and of course - chocolate! We also indulged in the shopping (I love European shoe stores) and eateries, including tasty pastries, nut tortes and good dairy. Oh, and the ever-present jamon y queso (schinken und käse). Who knew ham & cheese sandwiches were a universal food?

A____ also indulged us by giving us tours of nearby attractions. We climbed a mountain (well, via car, but still) through Glarus, Klöntal, and Schwammhöhe, to see one of the most amazing mountain views I think I've ever seen in my life. Along with the countryside, and valleys, the sun breaking through the clouds was (corny as it sounds) breathtaking. And the oxen, cows, and horses we passed along the way, as well as driving through a "no-bombing" zone, on a 2-way mountain road barely 8 feet wide wasn't too bad either!

I bought a banging pair of grey over-the-knee boots for a steal in Zurich, and ate great roasted poulet aux champignons (chicken with mushrooms) at the Brasserie Lipp. We even shook our groove thangs at Kaufleuten Lounge, with the Hulk Hogan look-alike, and a bunch of very flirty European, house, reggae and all things musically funky-loving men. Slight aside: they (apparently) either LOVE black women, or think American women make quite a flirty target. The attention we got was divine AND a lil weird (who licks a stranger's face?...lol).

thing is...it's about experiences:: because at the end of the day, life is short, so we should all play hard. And despite my friends assuring me that cruises, and the caribbean are amazing (I don't disagree) - I want to see the entire world. And even though I used to think travel was expensive, anything worth having is worth planning & saving for. With a little planning & savings, other destinations are definitely within reach. From Cozumel to Costa Rica, from Antartica to Asia. Every time I step completely out of my comfort zone, I have the most amazing, memorable experiences - that I truly can never recreate. I'm thankful that I realized this at a relatively young age ;) , so I can keep adding stamps to my passport.

So, yes - Switzerland. And Rio. And Buenos Aires. And Thailand. And London. And Paris. And Johannesberg. And Morocco. And Lima....

Are you still sitting there? Get your passport up. Seriously.

Dating PSA #15: o_O rlly?

2009-11-02T18:00:32Z

author's note: this started as a tweet, but warrants more than 140 chars.

So, I met a guy. An attractive, employed, reasonably sane guy who seemed keenly interested. Interested enough, in fact, to spend 5+ minutes convincing me that I should take his number, despite the fact that I told him I'm not dating (more on that later).

We chatted on occasion, both before and after my trip to Switzerland. General stuff, work, marital status, kids, etc. Nothing heavy, but with my trip and subsequent illness, we never got past small pleasantries. But I was still curious. I called him this weekend to let him know I'd finally recovered enough to actually go on the date he'd talked me into.

Why did this guy ask me: "can we kick it at the place where we met?"

The place in question?

View Larger Map

I can't with this dude.

What the f*ck would we do? Would he buy me a 20 oz soda and a Slim Jim? Would we share casual repartee while splitting a bag of Fritos? Would he then buy me a coupla gallons of gas, and send me on my way? Da hell?

Okay, let me be really honest. I'm honestly feeling like I can't with ANY dude. The level of bullshyt has gotten too high. From the dudes asking me to split a $20 tab (that I felt some kind of way about and posted accordingly), to the guys that don't even make it to this page, being so completely full of shyt that I deem un-blog-worthy, or too crazily out there that you won't believe they really happened. Like the guy that asked me to prove that I liked him by giving him head on the first date. OR the guy who after a 45 minute interview where he bombarded me with questions (literally a barrage of question after question without allowing me to interject: What are my politics? religion? educational background? career aspirations? last sexual partners?) declared that I'm worthy of another date. Or the 50-11 guys who ask me out on meet & greets.

Does any of that seem like fun? And, without giving details on their appearance or resume, does that seem remotely appealling?

I'm a healthy, red-bloody, 99% heterosexual (there was that one awesome unrequited girl crush in college...), african-american woman, reasonably intelligent, moderately cultured, relatively open-minded. And I've gotta say...

I keep telling myself this is the last straw, and I'm out. And someone convinces me NOT to throw in the towel. So, I give another guy a shot, and he f*cks up more than the last guy did.

I mean, it's a slippery, downhill slope. After that last bit - I'm scared to meet the next bad date.

So, this is it, hm? Really? This is what dating in our community consists of? Someone please, tell me this is rock bottom, cause I don't want to know what's next.

I'm SO done.

(a self-indulgent) random ten about me

2009-09-24T12:36:08Z

this excerpt of my Twittascope:

Your current interest in philosophy might have you believing that you are discovering the meaning of life. But others may think that you are evading the real issues by throwing around complex ideas and using too many big words. Although you could be trying to find truth, you can appear more cavalier in your approach than you realize. There's no need to change what you are doing as long as you are sensitive to the reactions of those around you.

along with last night's blog post, have moved me. So I'm admitting a few things:

I spend more time watching reality shows than reading. No,I'm not junkie. Ok, I like them, but I can quit wheneva I get ready...

I frequent gossip sites, which normally inhibit my desire to write - cause some of them are SO much better than me. My favorite is http://crunktastical.net. F*ckery deserves snark, and they do it so well.

I finally got those Red Christian Louboutin Rolando's, but I bought the knockoffs (b*tch please - I ain't crazy,and they sold out before they got marked down). And. They. Are. Fierce. And I don't care who judges me :-P

Me and My best friend E spend as much time grossing each other out with poo jokes (blame it on aging and an appreciation for a good dump) or topping each other's dating horror stories (trust, what I post is only the tip of the iceberg) as we spend talking about trying to change the world...

I know I'm not that deep. Really I'm mad shallow & elitist (like Chris Rock said, I hate n*ggas). But I force myself to have balance.

My steaks on a good day are medium, but mostly medium rare, and occasionally bloody.

I'm a pack-rat, not that I like clutter, but always feel like I have better things to do.

The vocab is only cause my daddy taught me to, and I loved that about him.

I enjoy dropping the f-bomb heartily, not because it's shocking or my vocab isn't extensive, but because it just works well.

I had to look up what my twittscope meant about me being cavalier (and I'm not haughty :-P )

an alien idea(l): an American collective social concsious

2009-09-24T02:07:19Z

I've stayed away from politics/economics/social theories for a while - because honestly I twitter (see twitter box at right) - and the people I follow, both via blogs/twitter do politics so much better than I. But this is truly sticking in my craw.

I was...ok, let me be honest...I believe I was watching the True Blood season finale on 9/18, and left HBO on because I was in shock, lol. But I caught Real Time with Bill Maher, as his guests were: Journalist Matthew Continetti (editor of The Weekly Standard, contributing writer to the Washington Post and the LA Times); historian Annette Gordon-Reed (The Hemingses of Monticello, Harvard Professor); author Jeffrey Toobin (staff writer at The New Yorker since 1993 and the senior legal analyst for CNN); former health insurance executive Wendell Potter; and comic David Cross.

And (of course) the first topic of discussion was Obama's health reform efforts, debates regarding it, etc....and the following discussion snapped me back to reality:

Bill Maher: Are we (Americans) a good people? ......what is it about the American character that allows us to do what no other nation in the world does, which is make a buck off of breast cancer?
Matthew Continetti: I don't think it's the American character...I think it's the American political system.

Bill Maher: But doesn't one lead to the other?

Matthew Continetti: No, not at all...you can have....

note: this is where Bill & I both simultaneous pumped the brakes

Bill Maher: Our political system is not the outgrowth of our character?

Matthew Continetti: Well, our political system was created 200 years ago, so it's not going to reflect the characters of people.

Bill Maher: The system we have now does not reflect the system we had 200 years ago.

Matthew Continetti: Well, it's also the case that as government grows, and lobbyists are able to get their way, what the lobbyists want is to protect the status quo......I want a competitive marketplace....I want to go in another direction, where you have a free market.

Jeffrey Toobin: This is why we don't have....why we have the system we do. Because people like Matthew genuinely believe that the market is the answer to virtually all problems...and that is a well established view in this country across the board...

...and I totally agree with Jeffrey. And I find this both maddening and terrifying.

I zoned out as they debated the Healthcare public option vs. single payer systems, and whether or not a "free market" could work in the health insurance industry. I zone out - because I couldn't get past Matthew's awkward marginal response to Bill Maher's original question: "Are we a good people?" It was almost as if the idea of a collective "us" (i.e. Americans) being a good people was antithetical to him.

"Good? Pssshaw - America is soulless. The free market should step in, to avoid us making moral decisions, and the government being charged to execute/implement them."

The conversation continued, with some discussion about whether compassion should be expressed by the government spending money, whether Bush was compassionate (!), etc. And as it continued, the only thought that crossed my mind was that Matthew had no experience or frame of reference with America's collective social conscious, so his responses shouldn't be surprising.

See, Matthew, like so many people now, is a product of the 1980's, and their collective consciousness is capitalist; their guru is Gordon Gecko:
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Greed, indeed, is good.And the free market defines/clarifies/purifies it all. (and if it wasn't clear, yes - that is sarcasm).

what's a collective social conscious you ask?:: I can remember being a kid in the 1970's, and being held captive in class watching movie reels of public service announcements ranging from the benefits of nuclear energy, why littering is bad for the environment, why it's good to eat breakfast, why you should listen to your parents (Timmy was forever making bad decisions, wasn't he?)... to not drinking the stash of brightly colored liquids underneath mom's sink:

But also, I can remember PSA's about the role of government in our lives, and the 3 branches of government, and how bills are passed, and why (as good American citizens) we're required to participate in the voting process. Now, mind you - it was all propoganda, granted. But it did create a spirit of collectivism (well that, and those air raid drills which were terrifying). We were in this together. And together, we knew (from these movie reels) what was important to us: family, values, taking care of each other, participating, making a difference. Oh, and brushing our teeth.

the decline:: whose idea was it to take all this out of the minds of our youth? Out of the classroom, and off Saturday morning tv? I can remember watching cartoon's in the 1990's with my daughter, and it seemed like most of them were geared toward combating our declining moral values, than instilling any values in us, they talked about STD's, and not smoking, internet safety, and not being prejudiced. Ok, I get it - I know what NOT to do. But when did we teach the kids what they SHOULD do?

We took values out of the classroom, off of popular media, and left it strictly to parents, even as we said "it takes a village". And what happened? We created a nation of Matthews. The idea of a collective social conscious totally escapes them. Then we wonder why the idea of socialism is completely abhorent to them. But someone should've created a PSA about Socialism, Communism, Democracy and other socio-economic/political ideologies, so they'd truly understand the concepts they so freel bandy about.

But back to the original question:: Are we a good people? Matthew's answer seemed like deflection. It was a classic non sequitor, or if not that - at least an appeal to common practice, which in this case is free market capitalism, which obviously is the only solution to our nations' problems.

This premise that capitalism/free markets is the only solution is flawed. We haven't taught our children that there may possibly be other options that are not only applicable, but viable, in certain applications. We haven't taught them that those other options may have value. Don't get me wrong - I couldn't live in a purely socialist country. But universal health care is far from socialist. And we never taught our children that. Hell, a lot of us know this, but are willfully ignorant because it serves us well to promote Capitalism.

How to turn this around? I don't know. And even though Michael Moore's movie "Capitalism: A Love Story" opens next weekend, his reputation will prevent the audience that needs to hear a different perspective, from going to see it. It's preaching to the choir, IMHO.

Right now, I've love a SchoolHouse Rock remix, that illustrates our insurance system for the masses. And an animated Supernews explanation of Socialism/Capitalism/Deomcracy and social consciousness for Matthew. Not that I think he'd actually watch it. SMH

the problem isn't us... (a repost)

2009-09-23T01:01:38Z

I'm reposting this because...well...frankly....I'm tired of men, in the guise of being pseudo-relationship experts or doling out advice to women about how to be in a relationship like to blame the women, black women in particular...without using those other four fingers of the hand to point back at themselves. And because - even 5 years later, it's still relevant, maybe even more relevant, since it seems we bought into the hype these articles started....but that's w whole 'Nother post. From August, 2005:

---------- the original post follows ----------

Disclaimer:: Despite her use of fancy-a$$ words, or socio-political/psychological context, the following IS intended to be saga's RANT. Take from it what you will.

I've been reading more articles than I care to recount, and a good amount of message board responses, to the whole "The Problem with Black Women is..." jawn. Since March 2003 (and probably before), when Newsweek graced news stands with some theories on the dysfunction in African-American relationships, recounting the divorce & marriage rate statistics, and with notable African-American women debating whether our expectations were reasonable, and whether we should "settle", this topic has been floating up to the pop-culture surface in the African-American community, like a turd that just won't flush. And then there's:
~ Jill Jones piece for the Washington Post
~ Rev. Willie Wilson's comments cited in the Washington Blade. Note: click here for a bio on Rev. Willie Wilson.
~ Blacktown.net (note: I won't even try to preface that one with an explanation).

< sigh >

I happen to be one of "those" women. The kind that makes a decent wage, is preternaturally single, and can't seem to find a decent man. Now, don't get me wrong - I will be the first one to shine a light on my emotional baggage. But can an intelligent black woman get a break?

The problem isn't that the black woman "abandoned" or subverted the structure of the African-American family with our attempts to achieve professional success or financial stability. The problem is that black women responded, as well as we could, to changes in our environment, and now we're being lambasted for it.

I, personally, was raised in a two-parent household, where both parents HAD to work in order for the household to survive. Now, who was the larger wage-earner wasn't the issue with my family. The issue was whether or not the wages being earned were enough to sustain us.

Jump to now, and I'm working within cultural constraints that prevent me from creating that same two-parent household. Misogyny has become rampant and almost acceptable as the news media has propagated the "decent black man shortage" and popular media (think: music videos & popular TV shows) has continued to propagate negative images of black women almost exponentially. There are factors on a macro-level that inhibit my ability to find a suitable mate, such as the declining economy, declining marriage rates, and the divorce rate that hit a record high plateau.

And let's talk about the DL for just a second, shall we? I've mentioned my feelings about this before in this space, but just so we're all clear - the DL is media-propaganda, designed to perpetuate paranoia, to sell more books, more videos, and more cd's. There has been a closet for years. AIDS & HIV has been around for years. Promiscuous sexual behavior has been around FOR YEARS. These issues are loosely correlated, one of these things doesn't necessarily "predict" the other, so if you address just one, it won't automatically fix the others. The paranoia related to the DL hasn't and will never correct any of these issues, so frankly I for one feel as if the topic had it's time. The DL is not why I can't find a decent man, but the paranoia related to the DL is.

I've been forced, almost against my will, to economically empower myself, in order to survive. I've been forced, much to my own chagrin, to create a more appealing package (physically, mentally, emotionally and financially) to stay competitive in the hyper-competitive market that dating within the African-American community has become. I've been forced, again without my consent, to become the Alpha-Black-Female, in response to these societal, economic & cultural pressures.

And at the end of all this, what do I get as my reward? I get to be the root of all African-American dysfunctional family evil. Great.

At the end of this post, what would I like to happen? What would I like you to take away from this? That we (yes, I'll speak briefly for the myriad black women who are catching hell right now) tried as hard as we could to keep our families together. We tried, as hard as we could, to support our black men. We tried, as hard as we could, to understand that yes - they had & have it harder than we do. We tried, as hard as we could, to not only understand that they're emasculated in the media daily, but to also strengthen them and help ease their burden. And we tried, as hard as we could, not to be hurt when they turned their backs on us.

So.

I'm taking back my right to not be dehumanized or objectified. I'm taking back my right to not settle for just any man, and my right to have Standards and Expectations. I'm restoring my right to be selective about whom I date. I'm rejecting the theory that if I didn't demand equal opportunities, the black family would still be intact. I'm refusing to let the "DL" force me to look cross-eyed at every man I meet. I've worked dayum hard to create who I am as a black woman, and I will not allow pop-culture theorists turn that into some desperate-workaholic spinster, in order to explain why my community is in shambles. ENOUGH ALREADY.

It's not my gaht dayum fault.

Brooklyn, the MBA - I go hard.

2009-09-15T14:29:28Z

A new nickname that explains it all.

Bestowed during a business meeting with some uptop colleagues about a collective venture, some marginally unpleasant tasks thrown at me that I got done quickly and efficiently, and me gnarling over the bones of those tasks, chewing gristle aggressively while asking "so what's next?"

Even as I'm floundering careerwise or transitioning from one role to another, I get it in.

So, I'm an MBA. I don't know how/when this happened, but it changed my life outlook in a very pragmatic way. I tend to look at anything/everything in life based on the perceived Return On Investment (ROI) and according to the bottom line (profit/what are you getting out of the deal?). And as driven toward a target as a bullet train toward its intended destination. I will run you over. You've been warned.

So it's sometimes hard for me to sign up for ISH, or co-sign ISH, if it's patently a losing proposition. I can be the ultimate naysayer, just because I don't see the margin. Or because an idea is not "sexy". For example, you think that personalized backpacks are going to be the hottest thing in 2010? "How much will they cost to produce?" "How much can we charge for them?" "Do you really think that we'll want to work THIS hard to make $1/bag? Really?!" I know I go hard. So, I tend to prep for the ride up front, to make it less bumpy and remove stops, before I fully commit. Sorta explains why dating in these crazy times is so unappealing to me, no?

My friends still consult me, and at times I barely know why, because I'm the hole-finder...the pinprick in their idea bubble. Call it pessimistic, cynical, fatalistic - or pragmatic (which is how I'd like to think of it) - the MBA-colored glasses rarely come off.

And in friendships/relationships - that would be a problem. A HUGE problem.

I come across as dour or too blunt. Negative. Dull (vs. vibrant). Although I'm fairly attractive, and as most people that know me say, I bring a lot to the table in friendship, relationships, business associations, partnerships, etc. Still - I'm a hard pill to swallow. I'm hard on my friends. I'm hard on the brothers. And as anyone knows me knows, I'm extremely hard on myself.

And I cannot BUY a date. Men rarely approach me, and those who do seem more than a little scared. And most people's feedback from initial meetings with me declares me aloof. Colleagues may respect me, but admiration? They'd state they never knew me well enough for that. While I can be "personable", right now I subconsciously find it a less-than-efficient use of my time. Not a good look.

So, I'm reading Hill Harper's new book "The Conversation". (I'm both enjoying it and rushing to finish so I can write a glowing review - so more on the book itself later). And I got a wake-up call...

The Unbearable Lightness of Being:: the fact is, that I lack a "lightness" of personality. I'm not bubbly. Based on my experiences with people (not just men) and my suspicions of the true nature of most humans - my subconsious assumption that "everybody uses everybody, don't they" - I'm not generating positivity, so I'm definitely not attracting positivity. Right around pages 96-98, Hill points out that those of us who have had baggage and think we've put our baggage behind us, may have "gotten over" whatever hurts we have suffered, while being indelibly changed by them - and not even realizing it. But he also suggests, it's completely within out power to do something about that.

In everything in life including business, there is a balance. "Going hard" is not a bad thing, but must be tempered by socialness, passion, creativity, innovativeness, grace, tolerance, patience and persuasiveness. And yeah, those better all be words...lol.

Yeah. I go hard. It explains so much, and yet I still have work to do.